Symbol of a text message - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

0 posted 2006-10-21 05:36 PM

Bold ink spots formed to make intricate shapes
standing out on the flatness of a metal shell.
Jumbled words mixed with a bucket of feelings
let symbols carrying false clarity line the screen.

A stretched thin line hops from emblem to emblem.
Disappearing in an instant. Reappearing beside one conveyed tone.
Boring monosyllable sectors before the message.
Pre-crafting the images that erupt into mind.

Molding wavelengths of thought to one creation.
Concluding an idea to it finality. Birthing
hopes and pointless wishes, kindling to flame.
Closing a completed chapter to stain in ink a new page.

Text messaged into play, tiny little figures with imprinted smiles
jump out at wrinkled eyes. Trying to put emphasis
on written words. Just make it harder to truly realize
the outline of the plan. Almost emotionless,
A text message.

******
This isn't great I know even to ask for help on. Let me know if this is hopeless. I tried to make not as obvious here so it makes the reader want to read more. I had to do this in free verse though because in rhyming I would have not been able to have it rhyme and focus on that.

shatteredsilver
Member

since 2005-03-31

Posts 63
middle of nowhere

1 posted 2006-10-21 09:52 PM

I like the idea of a poem about text messaging, but I think there is a real challenge here. Text message - sparse, bare, poem - not so much. Maybe if you make this a very sparse poem rather thanalmost lyrical, it would connect subject and form better.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

2 posted 2006-10-22 07:49 AM

OK, but how do you mean?

shatteredsilver
Member

since 2005-03-31

Posts 63
middle of nowhere

3 posted 2006-10-23 12:58 PM

Ummm...

I guess part of that is breaking up the lines more:

Bold ink spots
formed
to make intricate shapes
standing out
on the flatness
of a metal shell.
Jumbled words
mixed
with a bucket of feelings
let symbols
carrying false clarity
line the screen.

Also, I think part of my question here is, do you like or dislike text messages? Because most of the poem seems to be creating this sense of it as somehting that can be beautiful, but the last lines seem to suggest that you don't like them - emotionless.

Sorry if it isn't clear what I'm trying to say.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

4 posted 2006-10-23 10:04 AM

Please explain any purpose in breaking it up into these 1-3 word lines. That just makes no sense at all and certainly does nothing to improve the original. The thing it does accomplish is to destroy any continuity of thought.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

5 posted 2006-10-23 11:35 AM

I think that Silver is trying to say by the breaking of the line the words emulate the usual short and broken nature of a text message. Thus, aligning the "formatting" and the subject to create cohesion. That being said, I would fear the read would feel very long. The reader may tend to "windowshade" the piece rather than read carefully. Interesting idea though.

CS

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

6 posted 2006-10-30 02:14 AM

At first I was skeptical, but I think I'm a convert to the idea of this poem at least.

'Bold ink spots formed to make intricate shapes
standing out on the flatness of a metal shell.'

I think the image is cool, although I'm not quite picturing a text message. I picture little pixellated squares forming an image in a plastic covered matrix, not ink on a metal shell.

'Almost emotionless,
A text message.'

This is way too heavy-handed. I think you are summarizing, not exploring. What is the signifigance of the text message? It's like the next step to instant messaging- people shortened words and created a whole new dimension of language (LOL, etc)- the text message takes it further by virtue of texting being a pain in the ass.

Why do we do it? We don't actually have to converse- you know, endure niceties and such. We just send a mass text (like a mass email) "meet me at X." We can do this while at work, in class, wherever we can't talk... It's amazing technology... what's gained? What's lost? I think you can go much deeper here.

Hope I helped.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.