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Critical Analysis #2
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serenity blaze
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0 posted 2006-10-12 01:54 PM


*Brad had said he thought "sacrament" should be longer, and I thought, that since both poems had the same source of inspiration, perhaps I just inadvertantly wrote two poems that might have worked better as one?*

dunno, but here's the other:

one for the piper


I see. This is your sign to me.
Upward in mobility
nice to see y'gotta goal
phalange phallically in bold
as you cross your eyes to see
volcanoes in reverse
contained
as you justify your nose
blistering the callouses
useful as a valve
and those
are blisters bubbling
beneath
the heroes of what used to be
values on a flute and keys;
dancing like a lephrachaun
in the woods and canopied
kicking at the autumn leaves
falling one by one by two
as you jazzed the point
of moot
as if you had them hypnotized
or strung upon some fishing twine
a trick
that they would dance in rhyme
of rhythm rocking like the girls
who did the dances of rockettes
somewhere in your mind...
a woman's selling cigarettes
in a tray beneath her breasts
enticing you and so sublime:

offering a flame and glitz
a single moment glance of bliss
empying your pockets is
rabid rabbits

preciousness

when she bends invitingly
and can-you-have-some-more?

Later I will hold your head
to the center of my chest
rocking you to comfortless
as y'suckle at my breasts
dead and dry and wiltedness:
I wince the pain of all your greed
as our eyes are entertained
by that fantasy of sweet
comfort and fulfillment freed
from the anger of the need
(release us)
anguish of the flesh--
and pipers do not pray the bead
but bend the reed to test
the test

as if someone were keeping score.

*  *  *

And some of ya'll have read "sacrament" but I'll repost it here so they might be viewed together more easily:

He spoke. He sang notation as was written by the angels.
His eyes were sad reprisal, glad, swallowing the angles
of the sky in points of light in cries of "why-oh-why-can't-I"
Life illumination died, fingered as a matchhead fried
bubbled in the spoon of sighs
like the bridge and sewerage
and death became romanticized
as ritual devotion.

"We ought to say a prayer," I  said.
I pulled the strap of that-is-that.
Savoring the taste of him
once more on a "spin again"
as all his friends were gathering
nodding
in agreement and
toasting him in memory-
witnessed by the drool.

*  *  *

It is of the same inspiration, sort of.

Um, the first poem has yet to be critiqued--and both are drug related, but two different drugs, and I was wondering, since my theme seems to be contradiction, should I fuse the two?

Or should the whole damned mess be scrapped?

And I'll be reading to return the favor. Thanks in advance.

And OH. One more question, as I think Pete has the same problem, when one critiques free verse--could someone please help me as to what construes a proper critique on a poem which maintains form as the poet's prerogative?

Thanks again.

© Copyright 2006 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved
moonbeam
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1 posted 2006-10-12 03:30 PM


Karen

I can't do these justice for a few days, and I'm sure in the interim you'll get lots of insightful replies.  Right now I'm struggling with my dim wits to understand your question here:

"One more question, as I think Pete has the same problem, when one critiques free verse--could someone please help me as to what construes a proper critique on a poem which maintains form as the poet's prerogative?"

Are you asking how to crit free verse?
Or are you asking how to crit formal poetry?
Or are you asking something else?

Sorry to be thick.

Btw I am not sure that there is such a thing as a "proper crit"

I thought Brad made a useful point in The Alley:

quote:
Oh, I think telling someone what you were thinking when you read their poem is more useful then simply telling them you liked it.

You don't have to say line 4 is awkward. You can say, "Hey, this reminded me of . . ." or "This popped into my head, I don't know why." kind of stuff too.


M

serenity blaze
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since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

2 posted 2006-10-12 04:40 PM


I was looking for suggestions on how to critique free verse.

Your wits ain't dim--I wasn't being clear.

And thanks for taking the time, MB.

I actually do appreciate your thoughtfulness to take the time.

moonbeam
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3 posted 2006-10-12 04:49 PM


Thanks for clarifying Karen.

Your poems are challenging and long, that's why I have to take time.  Plus I happen to be trying to finish three of my own before Monday.

On critiquing.  Go with the flow!  Did I say that flow word just then - geez.  Just say what you like and dislike and try and say why.  And also what Brad said.

If it helps to have a structure to "work to" maybe my guideline thingy might help.  It's not perfect but it's a start.  It's also pretty much a well trodden path for beginner (or even not so beginner) critics.  It's here

M



serenity blaze
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since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

4 posted 2006-10-12 05:13 PM


Thank you. I'll keep that as referral for future critiques. And my apologies for asking for a lengthy critique when I didn't have time to return the favor to rhia, too.

(I'm working on other stuff too. So thanks to those of you who do have the time for this one as I have managed to perplex MYSELF with these two. )

And? I have to put on a mommy suit and go cook supper. Or throw it out the back door.

Mom's moody lately.

JenniferMaxwell
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5 posted 2006-10-13 07:18 PM


I didn’t comment on “sacrament” when you first posted it  not because I didn’t like it, I really did, but because I don’t know enough yet to offer a meaningful critique and I didn’t want to offend by doing a fluff.  That said, my motto now is better a sincere comment light than no comment at all.  

The only problem I had with “sacrament”, and I’m sure it’s just me, is that I didn’t catch right off the fact that the dearly departed was a  preacher. My duh.

I find your poems to be a challenge in the best sort of way. They make me think, delve deep, and explore every word to get the meaning. I’d much rather do that than read something so obvious it’s boring. Your poems, at least the ones I’ve read are very intense and powerful.  Combining the two poems might result in something a little overwhelming except for the more experienced poetry reader, unless you did a lot of cutting.

I really do look forward to reading more of your work.

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