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Passions in Poetry

"Your Hand in Mind"

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Khatharsis
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since 05-21-2006
Posts 32


0 posted 10-10-2006 11:44 AM       View Profile for Khatharsis   Email Khatharsis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Khatharsis

Your Hand in Mind
Chills rushing through me wit the touch of your kiss
As I wish this never end, in this descending rain of bliss…
Our embrace sparked the shelter between our arms
The fire lights our souls as stars shine through our hearts…
One with the God, Indra, we stand arm in arm, forever
Stirring into one as we live through the eyes of each other…
The rain pores onto our surface but soaked in our smiles
My admiration can’t be hidden, being cloaked through miles…
…As you stand here, Your Hand in Mine…

…Waking to the stars, its you I breathe in consistence
Inside it feels the same, but it makes me seethe in existence…
Living behind blue eyes, in skies above an fields below
I close my lids, but my eyes are open in the storms long ago…
Listen to every night’s storm, lightning recoils us back…
…back to the moment of a memorial we built as our plaque…
Closing my thoughts and back to the dream of a reality
As the clouds begin to roar and taste the droplets of mortality…
…As I stand here… with Your Hand in Mind/mine

© Copyright 2006 Khatharsis - All Rights Reserved
ChristianSpeaks
Member
since 05-18-2006
Posts 387
Iowa, USA


1 posted 10-16-2006 11:42 AM       View Profile for ChristianSpeaks   Email ChristianSpeaks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ChristianSpeaks

Since no one has commented on this one, I'll say something.

-Check your spelling
-Look at punctuation
-If you post in CA, you may want to change your profile adding a critique message and changing the answer to the "encourage critique" question.

CS
serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
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2 posted 10-16-2006 03:38 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

agreeing with CS here

and I think I would have to say I'd really lose the ellipses.

I am not totally against their usage, but only very sparingly.

I would sweep most of those away, if not all of them.

I also think there is a lot of phrasing that is common here. There's no shame in using a thesaurus--I do.

And please forgive us both if you wandered into Critical Analysis by accident. Some folks do, and if you have, it would explain why we seem to focus on the negative here.

But do consider tidying this one up a bit, and letting us have a go at it again.
Khatharsis
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since 05-21-2006
Posts 32


3 posted 10-17-2006 11:08 PM       View Profile for Khatharsis   Email Khatharsis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Khatharsis

i didnt see ne thing wrong with the spelling, if u maye refer to this  IE: "The rain pores onto our surface but soaked in our smiles" like standing in the rain... and how the moisture of the rain kinda sticks to ya and they look like lil pores

pores/pours =wordplay

I thought the vocab and word useage was fine in my eyes. But thats me. If i start throwing out words froma thesourus ot my ass.. it might loose what i was getting.. and that was the imagrey.

I do welcome the critique.... and thus far i havent seen ne sisgnificence that needs to be changed with this peice.
IE: the spelling was a probably most likley a misunderstanding of WORDPLAY, and that some peices dont ALWAYUS need a thesaurus. Thats my view and i welcome ur point of view, aswell.

point taken and maybe i'll surprise ya next time.
Midnitesun
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Gaia


4 posted 10-17-2006 11:59 PM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun


Have you simply chosen to ignore spelling conventions for the sake of effect? If so, I'm sorry, but the effect is it reads as if written by someone who doesn't have an solid handle on the English language. If the writer isn't a native speaker of English, that might explain some of the errors.
Most who post here take this forum seriously, and expect feedback such as the previous posters offered. Please do surprise us next time, with posts and replies that are tidier.
I always enjoy a good wordplay, but almost never enjoy blatant gross spelling errors in the CA forum unless they're part of an obvious colloquially expressive conversational write. Thank you for clarifying your intent with the pores/pours wordplay. When there aren't multiple spelling errors, it's actually easier to pick up on such intentional subtleties.
I did notice you've previously posted this in another forum, and you had some positive feedback on content and imagery. What kind of feedback are you seeking this time?


[This message has been edited by Midnitesun (10-18-2006 12:52 AM).]

rhia_5779
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since 06-09-2006
Posts 1304
California


5 posted 10-18-2006 09:54 AM       View Profile for rhia_5779   Email rhia_5779   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rhia_5779

Yeah, if you are going to post in CA, use proper spelling and word usage. Also don't use alot of chatspeak and bad in your replies. If  you want good replies you would be more likely to get them if we can read what you write. Feel free to not be as careful in the other forums you post in, but workshops theres no reason that we should read the poem, which is while the title and the poem need to be spelled write and such, otherwise we click on the link, and take a look at the spelling and think Oh this writer didn't care, so why should I read this.
Not A Poet
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since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


6 posted 10-18-2006 10:11 AM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Rhia offers good advice. Sloppy work doesn't get much attention in CA. In fact, it tends to put people off, instead.

Also, by posting in CA, you are inviting critique. That, after all, is the purpose of this forum. If you immediately don your defensive armour at the first hint of a negative word and litter any communications with netspeak and lazy chatroom abbreviations, you leave the distinct impression that you have no interest in what others might think about your offering or in improving your writing. That attitude will not go far in this area.

Do surprise us with a little more effort and forethought next time.
ChristianSpeaks
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since 05-18-2006
Posts 387
Iowa, USA


7 posted 10-18-2006 11:05 AM       View Profile for ChristianSpeaks   Email ChristianSpeaks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ChristianSpeaks

quote:
Chills rushing through me wit the touch of your kiss


The word "wit" is only applicable to the definition of someone's mental acuity or to indicate the addition of onions on a Philly cheese steak.

You need to use "with" as this is not an instance of "wordplay."

cs
lifeonly
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since 10-18-2006
Posts 16
Ontario, Canada


8 posted 10-18-2006 04:24 PM       View Profile for lifeonly   Email lifeonly   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lifeonly

The poem lacks punctuation and it becomes a run on sentence with a whole bunch of ellipses thrown in.  It's good to still comply with most rules of grammer and punctuation in poems and when you stray from these rules I think it should be done sparingly.  Otherwise the poem can become a mess and a hassle to read.

quote:
The rain pores onto our surface but (and) soaked in our smiles
My(/) admiration can’t be hidden, being (its been) cloaked through miles…


These lines read awkwardly for me.  When I read the first line I thought you meant to say, "The rain pores onto our surface and soaks in our smiles." and meant to end the thought there (with no periods it is difficult to know when a sentence is ended/started.).  

I went onto the next line and realized you meant to connect the two lines in the same sentence.  First I would like to suggest you change "but" to "and" in the first line as the two thoughts are not opposing eachother, but rather complementing eachother.  

Next you say "in our smiles my admiration can't be hidden", do you mean to say that your own admiration is in both of your smiles?  I think you should change "my" to "our" or get rid of it completely as its confusing to jump from talking about "our surface" and "our smiles" then suddenly "my admiration".

"Being" should be changed to "it's been", to make it past tense.

That being said, the poem had a few highlights.  I liked the image of the rain being soaked in your smiles and I'm sure the girl who this was written about would be especially pleased.  It is the thought that counts, after all.  Although while this girl will not critique your work, people posting in the CA will most definately.

[This message has been edited by lifeonly (10-18-2006 05:30 PM).]

rhia_5779
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since 06-09-2006
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California


9 posted 10-18-2006 04:28 PM       View Profile for rhia_5779   Email rhia_5779   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rhia_5779

What is an ellipes? Did I spell that right?
moonbeam
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10 posted 10-18-2006 04:47 PM       View Profile for moonbeam   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonbeam

Also ellipsis.

dot dot dot Rhia

And they all lived happily ever after, or did they ...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellipsis

How are you doing with the metaphors?

M
Not A Poet
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since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


11 posted 10-18-2006 06:37 PM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Elipsis is singular whereas elipses is its plural.
Khatharsis
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since 05-21-2006
Posts 32


12 posted 10-19-2006 01:19 AM       View Profile for Khatharsis   Email Khatharsis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Khatharsis

i thought the puntuation wasnt that much big of a deal... but i do see it. and the word "wit" i do mean "With"  but its just how u say "short way of saying it" so to speak.


I agree with alot thats been said with changing a few words around to add that extra something. Though it seems a lil...toooo picky. I guess i got lost in the transition and I promise each and everyones commenst will go to good use and and I will take it in.

I didnt mean i didnt think less of ur views or opinions, and i i thought i made it clear i respected it. Sorry for the misdirection, and I will post something a lil more...... different.
Khatharsis
Junior Member
since 05-21-2006
Posts 32


13 posted 10-19-2006 01:21 AM       View Profile for Khatharsis   Email Khatharsis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Khatharsis

oooooooooh.. and and the title of the poem... was meant as is.... forgive i have sloppy fingers and i may mix letters up... im not a perfect typer but I try to make sure the poem comes out direct. I assure u... the spelling was meant as is.. the title... the punctuation could be titier and maybe changed a few words i completely agree with. Though i wouldnt call it "appauling" as the response thats kinda flying at me.

But i respect it and i appreciate everyones response. I will post something different, and will take everything you've said into consideration.
cynicsRus
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since 06-06-2003
Posts 599
So Cal So Cool!


14 posted 10-19-2006 10:09 AM       View Profile for cynicsRus   Email cynicsRus   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit cynicsRus's Home Page   View IP for cynicsRus

[Edited - Ron]

[This message has been edited by Ron (10-19-2006 05:12 PM).]

Khatharsis
Junior Member
since 05-21-2006
Posts 32


15 posted 10-19-2006 02:23 PM       View Profile for Khatharsis   Email Khatharsis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Khatharsis

wow....
rhia_5779
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since 06-09-2006
Posts 1304
California


16 posted 10-19-2006 04:21 PM       View Profile for rhia_5779   Email rhia_5779   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rhia_5779

I am working on them. I got to really work on them yesterday night and tonight. Sorry I haven't gotten back to you yet. Science final yesterday, and my science teacher hates me so I was all worried. French exam Wed, and Italian Exam on Monday. MAth chapter\final on monday. I can study this weekend and tomorrow though. Trying to catch up on pip and see what I have missed.

I will try to send you the metaphors before Saturday.
Ron
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Member Rara Avis
since 05-19-99
Posts 9708
Michigan, US


17 posted 10-19-2006 05:15 PM       View Profile for Ron   Email Ron   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Ron's Home Page   View IP for Ron

Sid, I intended to edit out the unspecific nastiness from your post, leaving behind just that which might be useful to a writer. Sadly, when I finished the former, there wasn't anything left for the latter. You would have been wiser to follow your own advice if you were "so completely desperate" to find a critique to critique.

Moonbeam/Rhia - It's not a real biggy, but I'd appreciate it if questions not relevant to this thread could be addressed elsewhere. Thank you.


Xeonox
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since 04-01-2000
Posts 1735
Fullerton, CA


18 posted 05-09-2011 05:12 PM       View Profile for Xeonox   Email Xeonox   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Xeonox

Nice poetry. Sorry I did not respond sooner. This poem had some nice imaginary.

I speak insanity. I write fantasy. I sleep reality.

 
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