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Critical Analysis #2
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Sailors doom
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Sailors doom |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Through the flaming wreckage of the ship a dark outline stands out, tall and rigid. Knees bend down towards her feet, as the bounce sends her on, springing off of a destroyed burned sliver of wood. Leaping into the lightless black hole of destruction to dive into the realm of shadow, like an arrow hits its target. Pressure of infinite dark water tears away her torn tatters. Salt water invades bled out slits, pain that no longer matters. Piercing deep into that no one has ever been. Entering a world that takes lives in the blink of an eye. Depths made up of menacing gleaming teethed fins. Creatures of the sea, people have never seen. Hair plastered against her cream skin. Water runs through spread out fingers that try to reach for a grip, a supporting stone amidst a raging flood. A tiny finger brushes against a sliver of glass sunken deep. Single miniscule drop of dark red blood floats away. Hand over prick pointed hole, swims onward to the remains, of the sleekest greatest makes, that once ruled the sea. Surviving cannon, sharks, called each one to this reef. Jagged pinnacles of living coral hide among the shallows. Kings of the sea, thirsty for blood, beautiful in grace until they see you. Lying on the sandy bottom are Pieces of wood Waiting to spear the next ship waiting to meet its doom. Girlish face still, smug nose, thin lipped child, stowed away on surfaced burning ship, to prove the tales. Against all odds willing to risk sharks, murky depths that blind. Exhausted legs kicking, moving through last remains. She can’t fail. Bubbles of air release from her blue lips. Watching the harsh fantasies of the stories be true. Wooden hulls, moored in their last port, anchors dropped for the last time, bones of sailors journeyed their last ship Cheeks red with used up fuel. Gritted teeth keeping her from just breathing in the wet atmosphere. Letting gallons of aqua water choking off her supply of air. Moving through the liquid prison, sounding with the beat of oxygen deprived heart. Swimming through what the sea left of the victimized vessels. A heavy shadow lurks just below, a frightened glance below reveals her fate, misty hazel eyes see gleaming white teeth , Sleek blue blubbered skin, scratchy rough body of a giant. Crinkled eyelids close for the last time satisfied, in final part. As a charge begins prepared to take her life. In the moment before the colossal bite. Jaw muscles relaxed, letting out the last stream of air. Shivering in unison for the last time, blood freezes. Scent that draws predators to the frenzied fight. Gone, diluted in a watery grave. Tiny guppy darts out from behind a rock, snap. Go massive jaws of a shark, distracted. Tendrils of auburn hair lay glued to her skin. Thin moist lips open in a closed circle. Yet another Body of a brave soul drifting up to the sky. To float on her loosened back on the surface. Fingers still spread out reaching for what she never felt. Eyelids closed in price of being able to have a look. Desert dry burned skin reddened into a thick welt. On the horizon flames now flickering die out. A girl-child paid a blood price For what no one else could live to see. Saw a part of the sailors’ doom. Delved deep apart of the oceans depths. |
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| © Copyright 2006 rhia_5779 - All Rights Reserved | |||
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Your love for writing is more than evident. That’s a good thing.  This is a very long piece that needs a lot of polishing. Critiquing it line by line might be more than most have time for. Might I suggest that you work this a little at a time? Take the first four lines, scan them, even out the meter, set the rhyme scheme (and meter) that you’ll use for the rest of the poem and then come back and ask for critique on just that stanza. I think if you took this bit by bit you might come up with something pretty darn good! Best of luck and keep writing! |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Could you explain meter to me I think I get it but thinking now I may not. |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
I think of meter as rhythm. Your rhythm is so varied, I'd forget the line breaks, and write this out in paragraphs, making it a prose piece. If you want to construct a poem, there are a few lines that have an equal count of stresses. I noticed "gone, diluted in a watery grave", and "to float her loosened back on the surface". My advice here would be to see what other lines you have that could be pared or inflated to 5 stresses, then play around with the structure of the words within these sentences to *reflect the two rhythms you have going on here. For the other lines, look at them similarly, see what patterns you want to highlight, and add or subtract accordingly. *GONE, diLUted IN a WAtery GRAVE, and, to FLOAT her LOOsened BACK on the SUR FACE. I'll have to leave this for someone who understands what they're talking about, but I see 5 stresses, at different times that could be utilised into making a rhythm/meter. Before I do though... "crinkled eyelids close, for the last time satisfied, in final part" is something, although I'd drop the "in final part" bit. I'd use that line as a template for your others, too. I'm sure I could find a few more, but it's really for you to decide, first. (For variation, I'm looking at "to dive into the realm of shadow, like an arrow hits it's target" to DIVE inTO the REALM of SHAdow, the ARRow HITs it's TARget. I'm unsure about that ; perhaps it would work as 'to DIVE inTO the REALM of SHAdow', and leave the rest for another line? ps; I keep typing DELVE instead of DIVE.) So far, we've got 2 lines at 5 stresses, 10 syllables, and one line at 5 stresses, 12 syllables that *goes CRINkled EYElids CLOSE, for the LAST time, SATisfied. Whatever it's called, (a something pentameter?) it sounds good. (ps, I've no idea if I've scanned it right, I'm from Scotland.) (*meter, rhythm, stressing the beat.) Hope this helps. [This message has been edited by kif kif (10-08-2006 02:05 PM).] |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Rhia I think you have much too much to work with and are letting the pursuit of giving a lot of description lose the name of conciseness and structure. If you tone down the length by quite a bit and make it more concise, then you shall surely be able to work with the structure better. And then as you get better with structure, you will be able to afford to take the content further and further, and maintain the structure at the same time. I challenge you to take an idea you have and make sure it is expressed in only three stanzas. Make sure every stanza has only four lines, and makes sure every line has only eight syllables. That would be a good start at working on "regulating" the form much better, and then it shall be easier to discuss how meter may be improved as well. I hope you may take up the challenge Rhia. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Rhia, quote: Yes, it's a rhythmic device used in some poetry, my own preference is to almost ignore it until I'm editing and even then you can be a little loose with the rules and still produce a coherent piece. If you like you can completely ignore it and still write poetry, Free Verse doesn't use it and Syllabic poetry doesn't either. Poetry is made up of a lot of different parts, there's the content (the actual words you use including the plot or theme), there's the form (the pattern of meter and line layout), the rhyme structure (AABB, ABAB etc), there's half-rhyme, slant rhyme, assonance, consonance, onomatopoeia, alliteration, similes, metaphors and uncle Tom Cobbley and all! If you try to master them all in one sitting you're likely to fail, but if you take one or two of them at a time you get something that's both passable and something to build on in future poems. There's no hard and fast rules on which are the best to start with, some people maintain that Blank verse is best, I feel for anyone who's unsure about meter but still wants a passable poem they can post online then Blank verse isn't the way to go. For someone starting out Syllabic poetry would be my choice, it allows you to work on the content without the added pitfalls of having to worry about meter. You could do the same by trying free verse but that replaces the meter problem with line break issues and the content, being the only focus, has to be of a very high standard or the piece fails. To write Syllabic poetry you can do one of two things, you either make each line contain the exact same number of syllables or you make the lines in each verse contain the same number of syllables. If line one and three in verse one have eight syllables line one and three in verse two should have eight syllables etc. (there are exceptions, some eastern forms such as Japanese haiku are syllabic poems with different line lengths but only one verse). Maybe you could give it a try, just shout if you need any help. EDIT: I should have added that you can use rhyme in syllabic poetry too if you like [This message has been edited by Grinch (10-08-2006 07:08 PM).] |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Very good points, Grinch. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Indeed I will take up your challenge, when it is all written I will post for you to see. |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Most of my stuff's syllabic. Even when I'm not concious of it when writing, I'll go back later, and count the syllables in each line, and perhaps tidy up. For me, it's the 1st thing I do before posting. Then, I go over the whole thing, and check for any words that are repeated too often, and fix that. Sometimes, I swap the lines about, to change the 'logic'/sequence, and mostly, I dump a fair bit of the content, and/or try and describe something more fully. The most important thing I do is speak it out loud to myself (normally when I'm cooking dinner!) Then it gets put to you guys. |
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