»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
Cataract (revised)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
Cataract (revised) |
|
|
UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
(sigh) Here is a more concise version of the original "Cataract). I removed some parts, added some more, and played with the order a bit. I still don't understand meter for the life of me, but I think the rhyming is less forced, and the rythym is much improved. Here it goes. I’ve got so many urges to quell. Suffice to say my brain is hell. The man I am is an empty shell, I believe my soul belongs to the devil. Which idol should I pray to now? Around my neck and kept in tow, But how am I supposed to know? I feel like a roman, the city has been sacked, My minds eye has a cataract, my thoughts are opaque. The code has been cracked, The odds have been stacked, Where I am is nowhere now, There is no turning back. |
||
| © Copyright 2006 UseTheIllusion - All Rights Reserved | |||
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Use [EDIT to remove irrelevant personal content] As for the poem it’s a lot better. Partly because you’ve cut out quite a bit of the abstract stuff and some of the phrases which were verging on nonsense .... BUT BUT..... wait for it! The really really good news Use is that you have a whole strophe there of almost perfect IAMBIC stress pattern: Which idol should I pray to now? Around my neck and kept in tow, But how am I supposed to know? Maybe one trochaic (or spondaic) substitution at the start. I scan it as follows: WHICH I dol SHOULD i PRAY to NOW a ROUND my NECK and KEPT in TOW but HOW am I su PPOSED to KNOW That’s really very good Use. Hey, read it aloud in a kind of singsong way and place emphasis on the syllables I’ve done in capitals and you should hear what you've done there. So you see! You CAN write in an iambic pattern. As I was saying before I was interrupted by serenity and his royal ronship it should be almost instinctive as it’s the basis of spoken English, and there ya go you did it! Good start. Now try another 100 lines or so! M [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (10-05-2006 05:33 PM).] |
||
|
divine chaos Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617dancing 'neath the moon |
Use, This is much better! Can you hear the rhythm of it when you read it? There are still a few little clinks in it, but not nearly as many now  I'm glad you didn't give up after your first thread got hijacked. ~Sheli By words the mind is winged |
||
|
serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
smile--I sigh along with you m'friend. I’ve got so many urges to quell. Suffice to say my brain is hell. The man I am is an empty shell, I believe my soul belongs to the devil. This is much better I think. The punctuation can be handled so many different ways, but since I don't believe any rules were disregarded, I think we can chalk up any difference of opinion to a difference of style. (I would have put a comma behind "Suffice to say") but it's not mandatory. (I'd smile at this point in critique, but smiling is frowned upon.) Which idol should I pray to now? (nodding here, the confusion is understandable) Around my neck and kept in tow, But how am I supposed to know? (and your confusion is aptly expressed there) I feel like a roman, the city has been sacked, These are two distinct sentences, and the capitalization of your following line with "My" suggests a third. The punctuation problem could be solved with either periods, a semi-colon, or a dash. Some people use ellipses, but even I would not advise that here. The captilization of Roman, I'm not sure about, but I think I would have. And I might have been wrong. But I do wonder. My minds eye has a cataract, my thoughts are opaque. I found this a little bit clumsy, but like I said previously, I enjoy your use of the cataract metaphor. The code has been cracked, I'm not sure of what code, perhaps something more specific than an article before your subject might have been helpful for clarity. The odds have been stacked, Where I am is nowhere now, There is no turning back. And I am enjoying the flow of this so much more than my previous read I hate to quibble commas vs. periods, but I am still wondering which is correct and more agreeable. All in all, I think you have done a commendable job on the revision. I happen to think you deserve all of the credit. So bravo to you. In case you missed it, I apologized to you in the other thread for my participation in some unseemly behaviour. I have learned something from you regarding personal dignity, and I thought I should thank you as well. So thanks. |
||
|
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
I heartily endorse Karen's sentiment Use I think YOU deserve all the credit too. Best. M PS I really do think you should try some lines of blank verse now. Google "iambic pentameter" and "blank verse" - the power of the internet is yours to command! Or just ignore me if you want ~smile~ |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, it is good to see you back. Like everyone else, I found this to be a big improvement. As moonbeam pointed out, the second stanza is definately iambic tetrameter except for the first foot. I would scan it exactly the same way. That first word demands and deserves to be stressed, making the first foot a spondee. That is an entirely acceptable deviation to iambic verse when used sparingly and where natural. Your first line falls a little short in style. "I've got" is commonly used in speaking but is not quite polished enough for writing. Your poem would be better served by substituting "I have" instead while still maintian the exact same meaning. Then you might find a one syllabel substitute for urges which would make the first 3 lines also almost iambic tetrameter. The remaining bump is "is" in L3. There are ways to deal with that. The simple, although not elegant, one could be to remove is and add a colon or 's after am. With a little though, you can probably find several better choices by changing the wording a bit. L4 then does have some problems. I would scan it thus, approximately, that is: i be-LIEVE / my SOUL / be-LONGS / to the DEV-il That is 4 feet but the first has an extra unstressed syllable and the last has two making them dactylic, the last with a feminine ending. In addition, it appears that you are going for end rhymes in all 4 lines but devil does not rhyme due to the stress being in the wrong place. Not only does this not work but it leaves the impression that you used it not knowing any better. It is definately a no-no to give your readers the impression that you don't know. I suggest a complete rewrite of that last line. I'll leave the last stanza for another critic or another revision. It has some good lines and some good ideas but it is a literary mess. Thanks for bearing with us on your original thread and for coming back with this improvement. Keep writing. Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (10-06-2006 09:05 PM).] |
||
|
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Pete Thanks for giving a more precise commentary on the meter, and thanks for showing you CAN edit inappropriate comments. M |
||
|
UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Thank you all for your honest critiques and comments. I don't resent having my previous thread hijacked, although things seem to be taking a turn for the nasty there. I have incorporated most of your suggestions into the poem. I am somewhat happy with the result, although the three line sections, I feel, could use an extra line each, butto add them would risk forced rhyming. Once again, deleted some lines, added a few more (a whole new section in fact), and altered some things. Here it is. I have got so many urges to quell. Suffice to say my brain is hell. The man I am is an empty shell. Which idol should I pray to now? Around my neck and kept in tow, But how am I supposed to know? I feel like a roman. The city has been sacked. My minds eye has a cataract My thoughts are opaque. The odds have been stacked, I am in limbo now, And it simply is a matter of fact. There is no method to my madness, Thoughts running through my head, Like so much sand in an hourglass, Pouring down like tears I have shed. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
