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Thomas1
New Member

since 2006-10-02

Posts 5
Felixstowe United Kingdom

0 posted 2006-10-02 07:27 AM

What can be taken from the man who is of health?

Whose conscience is free of backward false worship.

What can be given to the man who is of health?

Who can see his wealth elevate with your worship.

Che Guevara in his wisdom and wonder,

Pondered the beauty of wealth within freedom.

With bullets in hand he forgot to question

The morality of the actions that lead to his freedom.

Fate will burn; rules will guide you home,

I will take a stand, but I will be knocked back.

I can kick and scream, I can form a line,

I can do what I please, but I believe in life.

With debt and forgery the world is mine,

I can stand within these divine guidelines.

We can travel tomorrow and arrive yesterday,

Everything you love will remain unchanged.

What beauty will I discover today?

Tommy Hilfiger or maybe FCUK.

I look so right and feel so fashionable,

I fit into my surroundings like a reptile.

Fate will burn; rules will guide you home,

I will take a stand, but I will be knocked back.

I can kick and scream, I can form a line,

I can do what I please, but I believe in life.

Look around the poor are starving now,

Maybe you can laugh and maybe you can smile.

You can take a stand; you can make a joke,

You can pick and choose, you can sell my soul.

Panic all around, euphoria’s too cold to burn,

Sunday’s the same, manic marketing stalls.

And everywhere I’ve been, I have seen disgust

And I have seen everything self destruct.

Fate will burn; rules will guide you home,

I will take a stand, but I will be knocked back.

I can kick and scream, I can form a line,

I can do what I please, but I believe in life.

Slave me to the villains, Slave me to the rich,

Slave me to the old, slave me to righteousness.

Slave me to the end, I’ll walk the ramp of death,

Slave me to the night of endless cremations.

Fate will burn; rules will guide you home,

I will take a stand, but I will be knocked back.

I can kick and scream, I can form a line,

I can do what I please, but I believe in life.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

1 posted 2006-10-07 03:11 AM

I'm confused here.

The first thing I see in any poetry, at a glance, is the construction. I wasn't put off by the one liners, double-spaced. I happen to employ the same construction myself in some of my stuff. I'm not certain it works well here though, as to begin with, I'm not quite sure if this would qualify as didactic poetry. Is that what you were going for?

If it is, then this double spaced construct might work well, with proper grammar and punctuation.

As always, with critique, the temptation to re-write the poem is inherent, but I do see your first four lines working better, punctuated as questions, single spaced.

THEN come in with the editorializing (I don't mean that in any way a critcism)I just I think it would underscore your points better that way.

Personally, I would have also isolated the line:

"Fate will burn; rules will guide you home"

I liked the utilization of repetition in that, but I think spacing all by itself would have given it more of a mantra quality, lending power to theme.

I did enjoy this, but I felt that poor construction rendered its message ineffectual in parts; and that some creative re-arranging and proper punctuation (or even none) would make it a better read for me, personally.

I appreciate the opportunity to read it while it is in the working stage, so thanks much.

And again, the double spacing? It might just be me, but the double spacing of lines lent an airy quality to the work that just felt at odds with the heaviness of the message.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

2 posted 2006-10-07 03:41 PM

This was really confusing, I think it could be a little bit more simple. There is too much going on here in my oppinion, maybe tone it down abit.
"Fate will burn; rules will guide you home"

I also agree that this wonderful line should be isolated.Love that line by the way.

RHIA

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