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Critical Analysis #2
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A Garden District Oracle (consultation and correspondence)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A Garden District Oracle (consultation and correspondence) |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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In answer to the question that you never deigned to take to task: I do not think you ask too much I don't believe you ever asked but stood there like an orphanage illuminated by the tact of coppering gone verdigris and twinings of the walk-me plant nestling the shift of slate in burial of fact-- purslane blooming in the sun as mold impressed the colonnade velveteen the fingerings of every stop someone had cast leaning on the post... a child in noisy crinoline and wrinkles in her leggings, grin offering the lemonade for six cents a cup and that was strained to order without pulp in answer to the question that you never thought to ask. |
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| © Copyright 2006 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
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william foos Member
since 2006-09-13
Posts 77schenectady,new york,usa |
i find this write to be intresting though it made me sneeze with the mold keep doing well love the papa |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thank you william. "Interesting" is pretty ambivilent, but at least you let me know you were here. This might be the second or third time I have received a scant reply in this forum on a post of mine--and I am getting the cold shouldered message. Thanks for the effort. I suppose I'll have to continue on my own path for helpful critique (as I have been) as I continue to duck the criticism from those who judge my lack of participation in this forum as proof that I am interested only in applause. Pete? You know I have tried before, and once I promised to come here more often and help via participation, but as you may have noted previously, and possibly noted just now, I am not well received here-either through commentary or poetry--but I'd like to thank you for always giving me the opportunity. My life on the D-List...  Karen shakes her head.  |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Wow! One niggle: for six cents a cup and that I keep wanting the "and that" to have it's own line, it seems an ideal turn, one of those "catch your breath" emphasis points that add so much punch. The only problem is "for six cents a cup" is too short on it's own, how about: for something cents a cup and that was strained to order without pulp (I had to re-write the whole thing a gazillion times to come up with that one niggle) |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
hhmmm.... and that well it does seem to want to be its own line, doesn't it? Now that I think about it, I have been reading it in my head like it is its own line (I really should cut that out, reading in my head, I mean, it fusses with me meter every time) but the lemonade has to stay at six cents--'cause that's my little play on words--six cents, sixth sense, Garden Street Oracle? Huh? Huh? no? (I swear I consider everything when I write, I truly do--I can't seem to help it--I am a duly noted hypomaniac who utilizes knight's move thinking, just ask my shrinks, they'll tell ya--that's right--I've got a TEAM now! *laughing*) I know "six cents" is a cheesy little joke but cheesy little jokes are trademark for me! Thanks for the consideration Grinch, and I'll try to write 'em how I hears 'em in my head from now on--or whatever the rice crispies tell me to. cofeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and thanks with my apologies if my style is too irreverent for this forum.  |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: Karen, You give up much too quickly. Some folks simply like to take more time than do others in analyzing a post. Personally, I usually prefer to re-read a post over several days before deciding how to critique it. Sometimes, by the time I post, someone else has already summed up my points better than I would have, so I forego responding at all. Then again, I’ll admit there are those posts which I just don’t feel an inclination to respond to at all because they’ve been posted with such obvious haste that it hardly necessitates putting any time at all into responding with serious critique. That’s just my opinion, and my prerogative. Your post however is definitely not one of those. Regarding these particular lines: “I do not think you ask too much” Needs a period. “…but stood there like an orphanage…illuminated…” I’m sure I understand what you’re going for in this simile, but somehow it’s a bit too paradoxical in my view. It acts like an extremely high threshold in an attractive doorway. Most readers will trip over this while others, (myself included)will exaggeratedly step over, then spend an inordinate amount of time analyzing its purpose. However, only a very few will stub their toe and refuse to proceed. “and twinnings of the walk-me plant” I’m pretty sure you mean ‘twining’, unless you meant ‘twinning’ which means: “One of two similar things; somebody or something similar or identical to another, or unusually closely associated with another”, (Think, ‘twins’) if that is what you meant, then drop the ‘s’. I thought the word that you were going for might be ‘twining’. In my mind it made more sense. “as mold impressed the colonnade” Comma after this line. “leaning on the post...” There is rarely a place for the use of ellipses in a poem. Use a period instead. “without pulp” A period needed here. I’m not exactly sure why you double spaced the last eight lines. I saw it as more of a distraction. You should bring them together to correlate with the rest. If anything, make it a separate stanza. To sum up: Although I came away feeling that you never quite answered the question in your own premise, after having read this a few times, I began simply thinking: So what? Since, overall: Visually, this had some very compelling moments—your choice and placement of words making all the difference. I personally liked the asymmetrical scattering of both Near and Perfect Rhyme throughout. Metrically, this was a very pleasant read. In technical terms: Mostly Iambic throughout, with a few Trochees tossed in—which IMO, only enhance it overall, by way of offering a bit of modulation. Not really an easy thing to accomplish. The only line that was slightly bumpy, but only in comparison to the others is “for six cents /a cup/ and that…” Comprised of a BACCHIUS foot and two IAMBS. This all brings up a personal pet peeve of mine. I feel that far too many Free Form Poets simply put words down without paying any attention at all to stress and how it can enhance or detract from the overall write. In my mind, that means an awful lot of lazy ‘poets’ go the Free Form route. One might just as well format it all in paragraph form. Then enter it in his/her personal journal and be done with it, since it is worthy only of space within a shoe box, with a proper lid. Having said that, I’ve seen a few genuine poets here—and yes, in Open also—who obviously take their time, attempting to put a bit of their soul into it. As I’ve learned, it’s not as easy as it looks, it’s just that such poets who take time to study the craft, then work at placing all the pieces in the best possible order, simply make it look easy, to those who are only willing to offer a casual glance at the completed picture. Thanks for posting. Sid |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Actually Sid, you were "dead on" on many things--this is a very personal poem, and I used a (actually two) very concrete metaphors to express myself. What I wrote here, is an imagined conversation between myself and my own mother. The actual house in question was a house me and my girlfriends used to visit, our sole purpose being to steal cuttings from an overgrown herb garden, which must have been glorious at one point in time. Although it was overgrown, it was obvious it had been laid out in traditional English Garden style patterns. The second house was a...whaddyacallit? It was a greenhouse at one time, but I watched it converted to guest quarters, so....shrug. But you get the idea. I agree my punctuation certainly needs addressing--in another thread I admitted I tend to waver from using a Dicksonian perspective of using punctuation as part of meter/rhyme scheme. Maybe we can talk about that some time, yes? But I read somewhere, regarding punctuation, when in doubt, do without. So sometimes I do that. I knew the line "stood there like an orphanage" would, as it should, come into discussion, but I wanted it to. Here you say: " “I do not think you ask too much” Needs a period." um, I think a comma would have sufficed, but most perfectly a semi-colon. A semi-colon would have been the perfect punctuation for a conversation between a mother and her unwanted adult child, doncha think? And a nod to "twinnings" being on purpose. Not only is that how purslane grows, but I have a sister, and we are both Gemini, and have made it a lifelong inside joke that we are twins, born four years apart--but? I am always late... and the walk-me plant is also on purpose, purslane being symbolic of "Sleep, Love, Luck, Protection, Happiness" which equates with "home" in my head. The slate is for the gray slippery areas on the path. "“as mold impressed the colonnade”" Nod. I could have presented that much better. But if you have ever leaned on a moldy post in high humidity, you will see that you leave not just indentation, but striking fingerprints, and the line there was used to denote a scolding from the mother, of too many visitors. (Um...should I blush here?) And I disagree about ellipses. Shrugs and end of argument for me, as I used it to connotate "endlessness" to underscore the "too many visitors" line of thought which justifies the argument of "mother house". And I am deferring all arguments of punctuation to a future thread. I hope you don't mind. As for my tendency to break up last stanzas, I actually don't know why I do that, except that I feel like I am physically breaking up as I write the end. It's not a conscious thing I do. But I appreciate your pointing it out, and I will certainly think about why I do that in the future. and back to this: quote: smile...The Oracle at Delphi always answered ambiguously as well. That's why I chose my title as I did. The parenthetical was added as some more current prophets added the formalities for reference in filing. (I am thinking of Edgar Cayce's Reference files, here.) And no, the question was never intended to have an answer. I had hoped to convey the emotion of the question of a child who goes to their mother to ask, "Do you love me now?" or "Did you ever?" only to find themselves overcome with the plea of "please, love me now." I wrote this poem with idea of twinnings--abandonement, and the pain of it--and abandonement, the freedom. And that's really all it was. But thank you. I appreciate very much your consideration. I sincerely hope we have many more fine discussions too. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: I was about to argue this but then I looked at your poem again and realized that in my haste to, Copy/Paste, I had overlooked the Colon above it. In which case I would go along with a semi-colon or even a dash. But I would defer to the English majors among us. I would never claim expertise on punctuation. quote: I’m not familiar with it growing as you say. I’ve only seen it grow in scattered clumps on the ground. But then, this was Arizona, where no such plants ever stay green on the ground for very long. quote: That part came across very well. I hope you leave it as written. In fact the last nine lines in this stanza were quite lovely in the way they were crafted. Pin that one on your hat, because if you ook through my critiques, you’ll see I don’t toss out such words gratuitously. quote: A matter of opinion. I used to use them often and most who would criticize my writing were bothered immensely by them. I just stay away from them completely now and don’t feel they are necessary. The punctuation guide which I refer to says that they are used at times to show “Pause, Hesitation or Emotional Stress” But that, “…such a practice should be used with caution.” So, one can easily overdo it. May as well leave them off altogether. quote: Not everyone will have your same interpretation line per line and you’d be better off attempting to allow for more than just your own. quote: I’d welcome such a discussion. I’m sure I have much to learn. quote: A common argument I’ve used is that one should have no need to explain his/her poem if it is indeed working as intended. In the case of an overall-well-crafted poem such as this however, it’s good to be able to look inside the poet’s head and see the ideas behind the words as well as the inspiration for certain ideas. Now that’s another word I’m reluctant to use casually: “Poet”, for it genuinely does not apply to everyone who writes “poetry.” |
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