»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
The Wind
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
The Wind |
|
|
Ignatius Junior Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 14OK , USA |
the wind speaks through leaves it brings the call of sparrows it touches my face The Wind the wind speaks through leaves the wind brings the sparrow's call the wind touches my face [This message has been edited by Ignatius (09-25-2006 11:58 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2006 Frank Brennan - All Rights Reserved | |||
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I think by moving around some of the lines, giving it some more thought, you could turn this into a really lovely haiku, one of my favorite things. What's popping into my mind is that when the winds pick up in autumn here in snow country, all the little birds seem to have disappeared except for the sparrow. Just a thought. |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
To be a haiku, the last line has one too many syllables. I never particularly cared for haiku but this could be a small exception if corrected. I don't see the repetition beginning each line as contributing much. For some reason if you changed it on the last line to read "it touches my face" then the syllable count is right and I don't seem to mind the repetition on the first two. In fact, it even seems to strenghten the poem. Maybe it's something along the lines of the sonnet turn or something similar that does it. |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Here's a link to a page with autumn haiku that are little more accessible than those by Basho or Issa. I think writing haiku or senryu is a wonderful exercise that helps you focus your thoughts on a particular experience. Haiku, either love them or hate them. http://haiku.cc.ehime-u.ac.jp/~shiki/4thconres.html |
||
|
Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Indeed, the number of syllables can vary somewhat; it is not locked into needing a 5-7-5 count. |
||
|
Ignatius Junior Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 14OK , USA |
Thanks for the input. I hope I have improved it somewhat with the info. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
