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Assassin
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Assassin |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Assassin, clothed in head to toe black sneaking about in the dark, creeping silently. Killing devices bulging slightly in sacks In loose leaf creased clothing. Color of the midnight sky, cotton covering the assassin's face. Cold icy, empty eyes, mouth Curved in a twisted smile. Hiding behind confidence, in fluid grace jumping from roof to roof, legs stretching to get every last inch. Reaching around a building corner edging around, climbing up to grip a shabby wooden sill. Opening the panes under darkness’s shadow. Easing into a carefree room standing over about to kill. Pierce his knife into her throat. Assassin, driven by hate, and revenge. A sick desire to watch salty tears fall down the cheeks of whom he once loved. She chose her daughter’s future over him. Came back to her house to destroy her life. Murdering a little child, to watch his loved one suffer and cry. A child he once adored, cared for her every need, make her die. Standing next to wooden bedposts, holding up a canopy of fairy sheets. Skimming his hand along the bed frame. Curving knots and figures made by his hand, built out of bottomless feelings for the one who made his heart beat. Love for a girl without a father. A child who through all odds made him swell with great pride A chestnut brown haired 4 year old who broke through his mask of indifference and unfeeling, who helped him learn not to hide. Watching the innocent face whose smile, whose laugh, whose jokes he knew so well, seeing what his dark haired Savior had given for her daughter. Pushing his feelings out of a room in his mind, sweaty fingers tighten on the blade, getting so far as an inch above the little ones neck, looking at the necklace that spells her name. Ava, bringing memories back so fast Of little pink hands handing him the sweetest thing. A black cord threaded with powerful words “I love you, My best friend’ Rosy cheeked smile, as she placed the gift In his hands and giggling ran out. The simplest thing, that touched so deep in his heart. Assassin, showed that life could still be okay. By the least obvious person who might know. She is fatherless, always moving, and invisible to the world, Yet openly innocent giving hugs to everyone around He was dumped on the street as a baby child, grew up hardened in hate of the world that refused him help. They shared similar lives, the same story, She taught him a lesson he would never forget. Flashbacks of special moments flood into his mind. An unstoppable wave conjured up by the wind. Backing up knowing he would never be able to force his hand. One last look at the room, crouching beneath the window ledge Leaping out the window. To grasp cracks and tears in the wall, closing the window of a 4-year-old angel. picking up the note ,previously written, perched on the window outside, cutting up paper, letting the pieces fall to the dark ground saving a shred to write a couple of words from within. “ Kira, will love you forever, take care of Ava Farewell, Dakota. “Attaching the scrap to his blade to slip between the window and the frame , with a fraction still in sight. Placing it, wanting her to find it, ducking his head back down. Leaving as the dawn is breaking high overhead. Disappearing deep into the clouded night. Assassin, having met his match, the one life he could not take. A single tear that fell, the only heart he refused to break. |
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| © Copyright 2006 rhia_5779 - All Rights Reserved | |||
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Wow Rhea So this is what you’ve been up too! Ok you’ve got a narrative poem here. A poem that tells a story. So it’s going to be pretty much certain that you’re going to have to do some “telling” - the trick is to make sure that you tell as much as possible by showing interesting scenes and images. Let’s just take your first strophe. “Assassin, clothed in head to toe black sneaking about in the dark, creeping silently.” Good descriptive start, though you might want to consider an “in” before “black” or add some punctuation. Ending the line on “black” I think is very good. It emphasises the other potential meanings of black, as in evil or dark. In fact you might have a chance to make an even more effective opening by using those potential double meanings to your advantage, as follows: “Assassin, clothed in head to toe, black hearted, sneaking about in the dark, silently” Arranged like that the word “black” refers initially to the colour of the assassin and then suddenly as the reader’s eye moves to the next line the focus shifts to the assassin’s character, “black hearted”. Incidentally I don’t think you need “creeping” as well as “sneaking”. “Killing devices bulging slightly in sacks In loose leaf creased clothing.” I like almost all this especially “In loose leaf creased clothing”. That has a nice sound. The bit I’m not keen on is “Killing devices”. For a start it sound a bit too grand for the usual instruments that a man could carry. It might normally be used to refer more to “battle tanks” or “war planes”like the phrase “killing machines”. But that’s not my main problem with it. The main problem is that it’s just too vague! You’re making a detailed description of this guy so tell us what he’s carrying. Make something of it. In fact come to think of it - it sounds kind of improbable that if he was creeping about on rooftops he’d encumber himself with sacks full of weapons which would clink around. Surely he’d have a slim and deadly knife strapped to his thigh or something? I haven’t got the time to go through every line like that but what I will say is that you have some pretty good description here. I liked: “Hiding behind confidence, in fluid grace” and this: “Of little pink hands handing him the sweetest thing.” was a simply stunning line. It sent shivers up my spine in the context of the whole poem. In fact it’s by far and away the best line I’ve ever seen you write in context. Well done. On the other hand because of the length of the poem it was always going to be very hard for you not to slip into plain boring old “telling”. Lines like: “She chose her daughter’s future over him. Came back to her house to destroy her life.” are really very mundane and “clunky” Rhia. So what’s my conclusion from all this? Rhia, what I think you have here is a great start for a poem! It’s a first draft. A bit prosey, but that’s no problem at all. Most of all you have an idea for a powerful story, the story of how evil was averted by remembered love, but told specifically through the drama about the spurned father/(step father), the daughter and the mother. I think you could do with working on this to reduce the length of it. Try to say the same thing in fewer words. That will mean thinking hard about each and every phrase you write. Is it necessary? What does it add? Can I say it better? Can I make it more original and interesting? Good luck! M |
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divine chaos Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617dancing 'neath the moon |
Rhia, Are you sure you're only 13? ;-) This has a lot of potential! It does have a few rough riding places, but nothing that cannot be improved relatively easily. I won't go line by line, or I might be writing all night :-) Just going to pick out a few things to mention that don't sit quite right with me. I agree with Moon that the phrase "killing devices" leaves something to be desired. I'm not sure I'd say because it's 'vague' but maybe .. misleading? Not sure if that's the word I'm looking for or not (my brain went on vacation after work). That line brings a picture to my mind of the assassin lugging around large bags like some kind of twisted santa claus, or dragging a wagon behind him full of large, heavy items and, as such, doesn't really match the line following. Assassins, in my mind, should travel light - to be swift and unhindered, and I do love the next line "In loose leaf creased clothing." That is an awesome line, girlie  In looking at it now, if you could find something other than "killing devices" (maybe something like 'instruments of death?' - not sure if I like that either, but it sounds smaller ) .. perhaps toss the sacks, and just put the items "beneath" or "inside" or "hidden beneath" loose leaf creased clothing? That "In" at the beginning of that line feels like it doesn't belong there for some reason. In the second stanza, I think "cold icy" is a bit redundant, and "empty" could be improved. Maybe describe the ice with a 'cold' eye color, and use a thesaurus for something besides "empty." In fact, a thesaurus would be a good idea for several of the more common words you've used in this piece - to make the narrative leap out at the reader and create more vivid imagery  I don't want to make too specific suggestions on words that could be used, since you may find even better than what I can think of off the top of my head right now, and besides that, it's your work and should be peppered with your flavor, without being too influenced by mine. Because of your style of writing in this particular piece, it would definitely benefit from more proper punctuation. It is understandable without it, but there are a few lines that I had to re-read because of lack of punctuation, and that detracts from the overall effect. One example is the following lines from the 4th stanza: Easing into a carefree room standing over about to kill. There needs to be a comma or a hyphen, at least, after "over." I won't go through each stanza, because my suggestions are pretty much the same all the way through, as well as the fact that I realize as I'm writing this, I'm nearly echoing Moonbeam's thoughts (and that's kinda creeping me out *grins*). Rhia, you do have a wonderful beginning here. The story you're weaving has the potential to have the reader leaning in, holding their breath as it unfolds. When I write, be it poetry or stories I have a method that works well for me in cleaning up what feels clunky. I write until I run out of things to say on the subject of my writing, even if it seems like babbling. Once done, I walk away for at least a day. The next day, I go back and read through it once, editing as I go, then leave - this is usually no more than 20 minutes or so. Then repeat the process. Every day, 15-20 minutes editing, until I'm happy with it. It gives me time to clear my head before making anymore changes. It may work for you, it may not - but might be worth a shot Good luck on this one, I'll look forward to seeing the finished product! ~Sheli By words the mind is winged |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
quote: I agree with Sheli totally on that Rhia. She is giving you good advice there. M |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Just wanted to pop in and tell you I thought the story line in your poem was very compelling. As others haven mentioned, a little pruning would be a good thing or you could polish it up and turn it into a prose piece. |
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nostalgic*pride Member
since 2006-08-23
Posts 122NowhereVille |
I was so instructed to come and read this. Now that I have, I'm soooo glad I was instructed to. This was really good. I do agree with the others up above that the story line is well defined. And I was wondering? If I credited you, could I turn this into an actual story somewhere? Because it has emense potential. Or- of course- you could do it. But I'd love to see it become a story. Well, even if it doesn't become one, I still think you did a great job. And- to answer the Kiara question- I have no idea. That's up to her. She'll still write, just maybe not on here. |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
i saw this as a reply to one of nostalic*pride's poems so of course i wanted to read it i liked this it was different but in a good way it was very descriptive too... hunnie* A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your |
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