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Breaking up
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Breaking up |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
In the clinic, laid out on ceramic, I’m reminded how often you’d stretch in a coffin of cosmetic ultraviolet. And back home after the scan that confirms you’re burnt out inside too, we watch Columbia peel away from Earth into nothingness. Then later, when all I have is surface, scattered on screens and walls, in albums and my head, a lab tech on TV pulls the shuttle’s skin to pieces, points defensively at a flat black slice of silicon. The camera zooms to the etch: “Resistance 2300 degrees.” But less clear underneath, “Brittle as life.” |
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Ignatius Junior Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 14OK , USA |
I like some of the images in your poem, but the abrupt jump to the space shuttle from the clinic in mid sentence confused me. I think there needs to be more of a connection between the two. |
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divine chaos Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617dancing 'neath the moon |
I've read this several times since you posted it, and I can't figure out if I'm just fried after a horrible work week and missing something -- or if it is meant to be such a contrast in thoughts? Though I think I see what the idea is, it feels like something is missing -- and every time I read it, my reaction is ... 'huh? what did I miss?' Perhaps some sort of explanation would help my brain process it, please? It's been a long week  ~S By words the mind is winged |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Your first two lines were the most vague in this piece, at least to me. But the premise becomes more clearly defined further into the strophe. Later, the second helps tie it together and we see the overall relation to the play on words within your title. Regarding a previous question on Flow: There is a difference in the overall flow between the first and second strophes in your piece. This has to do with the difference in line lengths as much as the integral rhythm which varies between one and two, along with your choice of words. The first has shorter lines, which contribute to a bumpier beat and quicker stops. The second has a much better cadence than the first, while the rhythm of its words give it a slightly alliterative quality. You should work to achieve the same effect within the first as well. Also, eliminate either ‘Then’ or ‘later’. There are some compelling comparisons within this poem which I would be loath to have clarified any further. Whenever poets feel the need to explain their premise, it's usually because the poem is failing. I don't feel this one is failing. The final three lines sum it up pretty well and make for a striking close. Sid If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My Poetry Forum |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Ig You’ve astutely picked up what is either a failing or a strength of my writing I guess - depending on whether or not I succeed for you personally. I often try to interweave a poem around a central metaphor hoping that (as Sid noted later) readers will draw interesting comparisons, hopefully some of which did not even occur to me. I’m grateful for your reading Ig. Sheli Hi. Thanks for looking at this - sorry if it didn’t work for you or made your brain hurt! In a way I am quite glad you say “something is missing”. I suppose I was trying to construct a metaphor that would survive intact through any reasonably sane reading - perhaps this is my own personal Holy Grail which, by definition, I’ll never succeed in doing. But I try! This is going to sound awfully presumptuous, but, if you have time, I’d be grateful if you’d give it a few more close reads and then just post your thoughts - however rambling or outrageous. Don’t be shy - heh. Only if you feel the inclination of course. Anyway, many thanks for stopping by. Sid Your comments were extremely helpful. I do have a regrettable tendency to try and keep readers guessing, and also a rather predictable penchant for the neat concluding punch line. It’s one of the reasons my pieces can get a bit tedious, and I suppose in this poem the movement towards gradual revelation is rather more overt than in some I’ve written, perhaps even a bit clumsy. Flow isn’t my favourite word! It always seems to me to embody several different elements of language and to that extent is fairly useless as a term to pin anything down. Still, you mention rhythm and cadence and the difference between the strophes. Actually, although it seems it didn’t work for you, the effect was entirely intentional. In the first strophe, especially the first 7 lines, I was trying to mirror the fractious anxiety of the speaker; the horrible uncertainty and the stop, start and interruption to normal life while the verdict is awaited. Accordingly I thought there should be nothing lyrical or “nice” about that passage. In S2 it’s all over really and I was shooting for a resigned tired tone - except in the contrasting, rather bitter hard L17. It seems like it’s working in effect, but not working for you maybe. You are totally right about “Then” and “later” - good catch, thanks. And thanks for your close reading Sid. Moonbeam |
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divine chaos Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617dancing 'neath the moon |
Moon, Shy? Moi? Perish the thought! *grins merrily* After a (mostly) good night's sleep (I'd almost forgotten what that was!), and another read .. it still feels like it's wanting something more. After reading your response to Sid, though, I think that feeling may be what you were shooting for In the clinic, laid out on ceramic, I’m reminded how often you’d stretch in a coffin of cosmetic ultraviolet. I like these lines - the first 2 are vague, but not too much so, and well followed up by the next 3. The 'flow' is pleasing. I know you don't like that word, perhaps rhythm is better? I don't want to call it a cadence because, after years of being a band geek, I associate that too much with a drum beat, and this has a softer feel. And back home after the scan that confirms you’re burnt out inside too, we watch Columbia peel away from Earth into nothingness. The "And" beginning these lines, I really don't like. I'm not sure why - it just seems out of place, and throws off the over all rhythm. Then later, when all I have is surface, scattered on screens and walls, in albums and my head, a lab tech on TV pulls the shuttle’s skin to pieces, points defensively at a flat black slice of silicon. I agree with Sid that "then" or "later" should be eliminated. My personal preference would be to remove "then." "Later" gives the sense that more time has passed. "Then" kind of mucks it up, making it feel like later in the day, instead of over a week later when the shuttle debris would be being examined, and may be some of the reason that it was giving me the feeling that I'd missed something. My feeling as I read "then later" was that it was later in the evening, in the quiet, ruminating ... then you threw in the lab tech examining the shuttle, which would be a week later at the least. Yep, that's what got the "huh? What did I miss?? How did we jump from that evening to that far ahead?" The camera zooms to the etch: “Resistance 2300 degrees.” But less clear underneath, “Brittle as life.” I like this, a lot. It gives just the right closing kick. Overall, I like it. The metaphor is not lost, just feels a little disjointed; but, from what you've said, that is what you were going for, and you've done it well  My personal preference is a more rhythmic flow from one thought to the next, while disjointing the line format (which I know drives some people absolutely insane), but that's most likely just my musically inclined mind and band geekiness shining through. I'm actually looking forward to seeing more of your work! ~S By words the mind is winged |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: I can see your point after the explanation and it's a good idea, in theory. Perhaps if the contrast between the lines of S1 & S2 was a bit more pronounced it would work. It might still help to even the rhythm slightly in L2, by dropping ‘out’, so that the first two lines mirror each other more, which would bring you nicely into L3 & 4 which already mirror each other, and are also considerably stronger because of the very effective near rhyme. From that point go with your original idea but as I said, make the contrast more noticeable from S2. Also, you need to drop ‘And’ in L6. Sid |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Okay- M, thanks for posting. It's very nice to see an example of your style. I have to say I see how your comments reflect that style, and things make much more sense. That being said, I like it. Now everyone keeps saying the first two lines are vague. I totally disagree. quote: I get a very clear picture of a body laying on a table. I like that you ended the first two lines with such hard consonants. It helps to speed up the last three lines of the strophe. After that - if you were laid out in a clinic you would either be on steel or vinyl. Not ceramic. So that makes me jump to certain conclusions. I'm not sure if I should taint the post with my ideas. But, my father worked as an embalmer while working his way through college. quote: I wish that you had ended this thought with another word than nothingness. This word to me is cliché. It (pardon the pun) tells me nothing. May oblivion, or "what is beyond" - I have no idea, but you get the idea. Not to be fluffy, well written - very enjoyable. cs Who am I if I can't love, What am I if I can't hate, and what is the result when I can't tell the difference? |
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divine chaos Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617dancing 'neath the moon |
oooo Christian just jogged my brain! The "ceramic" in line 2 felt odd, but only because I'm in medical! It's needed and is very effective for the rhyme scheme, and normal non-medical people would most likely never think twice about it I think that's what gave me the vague feeling there, knowing that the clinic wouldn't be ceramic, but a mortuary might be. Thanks CS ~S |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
NP - (that's internet speak for no problem - just clarification CS |
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IsAnyone Junior Member
since 2006-08-19
Posts 11 |
Wow, I really love the imagery here, and the way the lines break. My only thought is some of the metaphors may be a little personal making it hard for readers unfamiliar with you to get the gist, but thats not necessarily a bad thing. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Thanks for returning Sheli. You mention music and rhythm and I have to admit this poem is a bit of a departure for me, I am usually firmly grounded in nature based lyrical poetry. On the “And” at L6 I am not sure, Sid doesn’t seem to like it either but I kind of think the two opening statements need the connection of that word. It just sounds like two throw away sentences otherwise. To my ear it loses the progression of the story if you will. But I’ll think about it some more. “Then” is definitely going. I use “later” quite a lot in my writing and it can mean anything from an hour to a lifetime (I usually like the ambiguity). In this instance I wanted it to be slightly ambiguous until towards then end of the poem when it hopefully became more apparent what the likely timescale was. I don’t think you’d be too far off with a week to a month. On “ceramic” I had to use it obviously given what came later and like you say it worked sonically adding to all the hard “ic” sounds which I wanted. The clinic that prompted this poem is in Manchester in the UK and is full of horrible white sanitary glazed tiles. Though CS is quite right, I am not totally sure what the actual examination table is made of (poetic licence, so tough! Heh). And yes, I did think of the mortuary connection, glad both you and CS picked that up, I thought it presaged the word “coffin” and also what was going to happen in the poem quite well. I am so glad that you liked some of it and you’ve been helpful Sheli. Thanks. Sid Close reading again, and you spotted something I mulled over for a good while. I originally didn’t have “out” and I have to admit it sounded ok, but then I couldn’t get the other meaning of “laid” out of my head, and the whole notion of hot sex on ceramic got to be such a worry for me that I ended up by sticking “out” in there. After I’d done it I thought: gawd, now she sounds like a piece of cod on a fishmonger’s slab - which it does. But then I thought, well, to be honest that’s kind of what I was shooting for. So it got left. Now you have me thinking again! I definitely see what you mean about strengthening the contrast between S1 and S2. I really will give that some thought. See what I said to Sheli above about “And”. Ta very much yet again. CS Actually it’s not really my style! I’m usually tiresomely lyrical. Interesting you disagree with people about the first lines being vague. I agree with you, they aren’t vague in the sense that there is a clear image, but I think what people may have meant is that the meaning is vague possibly. As I’ve said above that was kind of deliberate in the opening. Yes I see what you say about “ceramic” - please see my comment to Sheli above. Now then, like Sid you’ve picked on a word that gave me great problems: “nothingness”. Normally I’d run a mile from that word - especially with the “-ess” on the end. But I’m fond of setting up discreet signposts, and in the last line of the strophe I wanted to foreshadow what the speaker was about to feel in the next strophe, as well as, contemporaneously, use a word for outer space (a vacuum), and a word which could indicate absolute destruction, vaporization if you like, of the speaker’s hope, the dying subject and of course the shuttle itself. Not easy to find a suitable word to do all that. Almost by definition it HAD to be abstract and vague! “Oblivion” indicates the destruction, but doesn’t pick up on the outer space vacuum (which of course mirrored the later emptiness the speaker was to feel when his partner died) - it also doesn’t really signify the “loss of hope”. It’s difficult, I know it’s potentially cliche, but words can be cliche in one context and not in another. So here I am, hoping! Thanks CS for your obviously close attention to this. Much appreciated. Oh and “np”, is that right!??? You mean like afk, brb, lol, yw, wb, and ROTFLMFAO! Heh. (Don’t tell nun, er, I mean ron). Is Many thanks for the reading and for your most encouraging comments. Welcome to CA. Moonbeam |
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divine chaos Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617dancing 'neath the moon |
Moon, Maybe "then" would find a place in L6, instead of "and" if you feel the need for the connection? I don't know, I'll read again tomorrow .. after clearing my head Glad to be even a tiny bit helpful!~S |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Good thought Sheli - good thought indeed. Humm. I wonder what Sid thinks. quote: Er, are you permanently inebriated or something? M |
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divine chaos Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617dancing 'neath the moon |
Sometimes, with the sleep deprivation during the work week, and listening to doctors babbling away for 8-12 hours a day, it seriously feels like it! But no :-p I meant, after I have a chance to let all of the above sink in, I'll read it again. ~S By words the mind is winged |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: That’s a great suggestion. It actually helps maintain the rhythm better within that line. I had absolutely no problem with ‘nothingness,’ having understood what you were going for. It’s entirely appropriate for all the reasons you’ve outlined. Re: Your first two lines. I figured that's what you were going for, it's just that you hit us so hard with death right away. In retrospect, I think the idea works great. It doesn't allow the reader a chance to fall back into a comfort zone. Sid |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
M- Then would be much better for "flow" - oops sorry- but you get the idea. I went to the thesarus and looked up nothing - I couldn't find a better word. I would follow Sid and say keep it. Or you could just make one up, but that may not work. Carry on. CS |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
I like the 'laid out' on ceramic because that's what they do to corpses, they 'lay them out', and so it resonates with the usage of 'coffin'. I actually like the whole thing except the last line, which everyone else loves. Sigh. Nan (Pilgrim variety) |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Nan Thanks so much for reading, and your nice comment. I am quite shocked! Nay, horrified, that you don't like the last line. Heh. No, I really am actually, this poem has been "up and down country" and you are the first to say that. Is it just the sound, or the sentiment, or the way I was trying to, perhaps in too clever clever a way, pick up on the futility of material strength, "strong" in one aspect, only to be weak in another, versus, perhaps a more spiritual outlook? Thanks to all btw for your kind help with this. M |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
M, I enjoyed the read...it was a very unique piece, and I felt you carried the metaphor well throughout. However, I do agree with some of the points others have made. In the clinic, laid out on ceramic, I’m reminded how often you’d stretch in a coffin of cosmetic ultraviolet. And back home after the scan that confirms you’re burnt out inside too, we watch Columbia peel away from Earth into nothingness. I would eliminate the "And" in L6, and change L7 by adding "out" to that line. Perhaps it's just me, but I did have to reread those two lines before they were clear to me. I think adding the "out" would make the read easier. Then later, when all I have is surface, scattered on screens and walls, in albums and my head, a lab tech on TV pulls the shuttle’s skin to pieces, points defensively at a flat black slice of silicon. The camera zooms to the etch: “Resistance 2300 degrees.” But less clear underneath, “Brittle as life.” I agree the "Then" in L1 should go, and I being as AR as I am, would rearrange the rest of the stanza's lines to end at the commas...I think the read would be a bit smoother. Loved the last three lines! I, too, look forward to more of your work. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Believe it or not, I am not doing this to pick a fight.  I don't like giving critique, but I like receiving it. It's rather like um, some other thing, in that manner. I have to start with the title here-- "Breaking Up" I have no clues as to whether this emotional, or some sort of ham radio operation problem. I'm not trying to be funny. I just honestly didn't get it. "In the clinic, laid out on ceramic" and okay, the problematic steel vs. ceramic has already been pointed out, but that really wasn't what drew my attention to what I considered, well, disjointed verse, in the opening lines: "In the clinic, laid out ceramic" My problem here lies with punctuation, as I read "In the clinic-comma--and I PAUSE there..." I tend to be Dickinsion in the regard, as Emily also considered punctuation as beats of meter. (When I find the reference, I'll refer ya.) but it lent some awkward and not much fluidity to the following line: "laid out on ceramic" and actually, I hadn't as much problem with steel vs. ceramic--it's both cold and unyeilding to me, so the effect was similar inwardly.... I was very puzzled by the following lines though: "I’m reminded how often you’d stretch in a coffin of cosmetic ultraviolet." The ceramic and so forth, I thought "illness" and MRI here and then this: "And back home after the scan that confirms you’re burnt out inside too, we watch Columbia peel away from Earth into nothingness." I wanted to feel something here, I really did, but nothingness, nod, that word, nothingness, was what resonated, and it should truly only be used when nothingness must be what resonates. And just typing that almost made me cry, too. (I get emotional) The next four lines are so conflicting: "Then later, when all I have is surface, scattered on screens and walls, in albums and my head, a lab tech" I felt directionless here, and perhaps that was intentional, I dunno, but it did remind me of that quiet time of a caregiver, when ya finally find some quiet and your head is still screaming. Nod. " lab tech on TV pulls the shuttle’s skin to pieces, points defensively at a flat black slice of silicon. The camera zooms to the etch:" This felt perfunctory, like chores and tidiness-- "“Resistance 2300 degrees.”" and no, I didn't like that much-- and worse than that was this: "But less clear underneath, “Brittle as life.”" I thought at first I didn't like your poem much, but as I think about it more, I think I like it more than the "emotional" drag poem. It is uniform, it is duty, and stoicism. What I like best about it too is that it does not yank the tear jerk stage ropes--it is a portrayal and like any good rendering, no lines are drawn and quartered, but shadows show between. I like this very much. (and you know, I would have loved to NOT, but I do like what I like, even when it bugs me) This was fluid steel. And yes, it could have been more, but I think it mighta broke had it bent any more than what it did. Nicely done, mb. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Thanks. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
To Ron: ‘Fraid that this time round Ron there’s not much you’ve said that I agree with. quote: No Ron, I’m not. In fact I’m often wrong. And you’ll have seen my apologies acknowledging that in many places on this forum. What I’m not wrong about is the abysmal level of the poetry and comment in this “Critical Analysis” forum over several years. And I’m also not wrong to point out your talent for the selective quote designed to twist people’s words around, not to mention your selective application of your rules. Where I WAS wrong was in thinking I could do anything to help raise the level of poetry and critique in this forum. It’s your site, your rules and ultimately Ron this site and forum are made in YOUR image, and I have to say that right now they are a pretty accurate reflection. You’re obviously quite happy with it that, good for you. .............. And to Sheli: quote: It doesn’t though Sheli it keeps coming back and back. That’s the point. This “Critical Analysis” board has been going nowhere and achieving nothing for years now - just look back at the history. Fundamental changes needed to happen. And I now know for certain that Ron has absolutely no intention of changing anything. And yes, I know I fly off the handle Sheli; it’s purely frustration at being able to see what the board COULD be. I know also that I behave badly sometimes and that gives unscrupulous people with an agenda, like Ron, opportunity to magnify that behaviour to my detriment. But as I said above, it’s not my board and ultimately not my business. I guess what’s really got to me in the last few days is that I actually thought that when Pete said in the Warmhrt post that he cared, he meant it. And that when Ron said he’d listen, he meant it. I actually don’t believe that either of them have had any intention of changing anything, and the thought that I wasted a lot of time making, yes, constructive suggestions, riles me a little. Sorry I didn’t get to your poem, and thanks for at least being receptive to some of what I was saying despite my tantrums. I’m grateful for that. And to Karen: Unlike Ron’s little diatribe, there is a lot in what you’ve said with which I agree. I do KNOW there is a lot of talent out there in the other forums. Maybe buried in all the fluffy stuff, but there all the same. I very much like Martie, Alicia, Christopher, Kamla, some of Brad (heh), (Megan) Liz Cor, Maree (simply gorgeous even for an Aussie!), and of course your poems are very compelling and weird! too. Incidentally I wasn’t too keen on the title of your post here, I thought it came off as a bit pompous maybe, but some of the images and diction were simply stunning (I even learnt a plant name!). Opening syntax needs looking at though, I thought. One thing I wondered was whether you’d tied all those images closely enough to the metaphor. I was scrabbling around a bit trying to catch all the nuances. But then you probably intended that. Anyway, look at me, I’m starting a crit and I didn’t intend to at all. But getting back to the talent, as it were. Yep it’s there in the other forums - so why doesn’t it come here? Pointless, that’s why. This place has nothing to offer poets like that, and it never will have so long as some of the suggestions I and others have made aren’t implemented, and, I have to say it, so long as Pete, in thrall to Ron & Co, is the only moderator. Which probably means never. I like your poetry Karen, and for that matter, I’ve always liked you. ~smiles~ quote: Well there ya go Karen. The wicked witch of the Moon is no more - so now all the fluffy bunnies from Open etc can come here without fear of having their tails docked. Let the fun begin. As I lurk in the coming months I expect the forum to become a veritable warren of pink and fluffy learning. Best to all the rest of you. M |
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oceanvu2 Senior Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 1066Santa Monica, California, USA |
Hi Moonbeam! Apparently, I missed out on a doozy of a discussion re the appropriate dialectic used for posting remarks in this forum, or the thread has been edited. Whatever. Re the poem: To this reader, it seems extraordinarily clear and connected, (which is not fluff.) So, without dithering about dactyls: In the clinic, laid out on ceramic, I’m reminded how often you’d stretch in a coffin of cosmetic ultraviolet. This is "Prufrock" by allusion and rhythym. The first two line are where the poet and the poem's "other," are, the "other" laid out, the poet observing. The set up leads to a memory and equivalent image: the "other" in a tanning bed. The words "cosmetic ultraviolet" seem particularly apt if the reader makes a cosmetic/cosmic connection, and plays with the implications of "ultraviolet" in literal sense, and metaphorically within the totality of the poem. In the lines: "I’m reminded how often you’d stretch in a coffin" you evidence your technical sophistication through compression, where the less apt would inevitably use: I'm reminded OF how often you WOULD stretch OUT in a coffin." Etc. Etc. What's not to get, here or in the very clear remainder of the poem? Best, Jim |
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sampo Member
since 2007-02-25
Posts 54oz |
Moonbeam - The comparison of a personal tragedy with a public one works for me. By that I mean, you've made it work. The title is, dare I say, perfect, in regards to conveying this metaphor. A couple suggestions - in the clinic, laid out on ceramic, Consider if the opening line is necessary. My feeling is that the second would make a better opening. More declarative. I’m reminded how often you’d stretch in a coffin of cosmetic ultraviolet. And back home after the scan that confirms you’re burnt out inside too, we watch Columbia peel away from Earth into nothingness. This is all very good stuff - particularly the sober observation of being burnt-out on the inside as well. Also the image of stretching in a coffin of cosmetic ultraviolet - an excellent perception of radiation therapy. Haven't read a better take, and how poet's love to play the cancer card today. Would call into question nothingness, it's a tough word to get away with. I see this as perhaps another chance to elaborate on the metaphor - perhaps compare the condition of the patient post-treatment to the dying embers of the Columbia - ie - something scorched and, or blistered. Then later, when all I have is surface, scattered on screens and walls, in albums and my head, a lab tech on TV pulls the shuttle’s skin to pieces, points defensively at a flat black slice of silicon. The camera zooms to the etch: “Resistance 2300 degrees.” But less clear underneath, “Brittle as life.” Very good close. I might change underneath to beneath for purely sonic purpose. Hope this helps. I like this poem a lot. Can't believe I missed it. Regards, Sampo. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
And Sampo I can't believe I omitted to thank you very much for the critique and your kind comments, many apologies for that, but thanks to the antics of our resident buffoon here in the forum today I fortuitously came to check what I’d said in this thread and there were your lovely comments. I'll have a think about that opening too. Thanks again. M |
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guyoverthere Member
since 2007-08-12
Posts 58 |
Ceramic threw me off too, not because I work in the medical field (clearly if you've read my poems) but because I've spent time in hospitals. I also thought you might have been talking about a mortuary (in which case your poem made complete sense to me). Maybe try: In the clinic fighting the panic Someone mentioned something about the word 'nothingness' being kinda cliche. I agree. Get rid of it. The poem is very compelling but when I got to that word, I cringed a little (not that I'm one to talk, I've been known to casually toss in a cliche here and there too). I don't think you have to say 'Then, later'. It seems a little redundant to me. I think just 'Later' would be fine. I could be wrong though. I actually agree with you on your use of the word 'and'. I use it alot because it seems to connect thoughts well, gives a nice feeling of transition. I really enjoyed reading your poem and I don't often enjoy reading amateur poetry (even if I am an amateur myself). |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Hi guy "Nothingness" may well have to go. I'm still thinking about "then later", but your comments pretty much bear out what others have said. I very much appreciate you taking the time to comment. M |
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