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Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

0 posted 2006-09-22 12:16 PM

hi all.

It has been soon time since my last post and well I think that th quility of the reponsed gone way down as of late.  Just my two cents.

Now onward.  I konw that some of you will mention that this poem needs pucuation but putting that aside.  Have at it.

DRAGONFLIES  AND TEARS

The only times I tend to tear is in the morning cold
once awake beneath the dark horizon skies unknown

in dreams last night I was one dragonfly swift on the wind
perfect infinite stopping at your side with no desire

in my flight winds echo laughter sweet as rolling tears
like easy softness spring tulips or a daffodil smile

that’s when I remember times I wish I would have cried
or could have put a thought for you on golden wings in flight

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

1 posted 2006-09-22 01:05 PM

Something very charming and endearing about your little poem. The daffodil smile didn't quite work for me, but there's definitely something about the poem that really caught my fancy and made me smile.

Ignatius
Junior Member

since 2006-09-23

Posts 14
OK , USA

2 posted 2006-09-24 11:47 PM

Well, not only would you need some puncuation, but some of the lines don't make any sense.

That being said, there is some stuff I like here,

"stopping at your side with no desire"

That's a good frament

"like easy softness spring tulips or a daffodil smile"

There's a good line here if you can tighen it up...

"that’s when I remember times I wish I would have cried
or could have put a thought for you on golden wings in flight"

These are your best lines, the ending. They're good. I would say the rest of the poem needs to be reworked.

Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

3 posted 2006-09-25 12:12 PM

thanks you two for your thoughts.

What I like about this poem is the long lines and how thay give the feel of one moment in time. That split secoend in ones mind when someone speaceal pops in.

Thanks
Rick

Beau de L'air
Member

since 2006-08-03

Posts 105
Middlesex, England

4 posted 2006-10-01 04:35 PM

A curate’s egg is something which is good in parts.  I like your idiomatic American as in “I was ONE dragonfly swift on the wind” and “I remember times I wish I WOULD have cried”.  There is even an example of making a noun a verb which Americans love to do “The only times I tend to TEAR”!  Actually it has some merit here, and it even invites the concept of crying and breaking.   Where you go astray in this piece is where you string images together that seem to come from mental gymnastics rather than observation..

For example “PERFECT INFINITE STOPPING”  and

“IN MY FLIGHT WINDS ECHO LAUGHTER SWEET AS ROLLING TEARS (?)
  like EASY SOFTNESS SPRING TULIPS (?)

Then there are those fragments of  verse which sound like lifts from ‘verse data base’  like “dark horizon skies unknown”  and  “golden wings in flight”.   Tsk Tsk.   That will never do.  I think you need to get out more.

Regards,
D.

Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

5 posted 2006-10-02 06:46 PM

You make me laugh.

and yes you may be right, I just don't go out much. 'well not on a regular basis.

Maybe Ill look it over again and make it more compicated.

Roses are softer the tulips and pansys tend to smile more often then daffadill and snals are no good at chess.

Rick

Beau de L'air
Member

since 2006-08-03

Posts 105
Middlesex, England

6 posted 2006-10-03 05:20 PM

Skip,

Above all, don't make it more complicated.

D

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