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Critical Analysis #2
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Stilts made of e.e cumings and Walt Whitman
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Stilts made of e.e cumings and Walt Whitman |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I will stab you with my pen until you bleed the words I need to be a better poet. You are the one who knows - you are the one who has taken my art from me like a piece of paper from a defiant 1st grader who just can't seem to pay attention. Did you shake your head? did you think "Small child." It must be hard. Standing on those literary stilts that grant you the power to rule on high. King, shall I call you? Step down my friend. I'm sure you’re not much taller than I. Step down so I can take my words from your flesh. An artist's job is not to commentate the truth. An artist's job is to create it. -Dane Barner [This message has been edited by ChristianSpeaks (09-15-2006 02:42 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 Dane Barner - All Rights Reserved | |||
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Christian I can put up with a lot of things in a poetry workshop but posters using poetry as offensive weapons against other critters is something I can't tolerate as it's a sure way to destroy any chance of a professional working board. I hope that after further reflection you will delete this piece or ask a moderator to do so. Regards. Moonbeam |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I thought this was quite well written and is readable and understandable even if taken in isolation from its obvious initial intent. As far as using poetry to hit back at another poet I have to say historically and traditionally satire is a legitimate weapon as long as the target isn’t named directly, to discount or delete this offering would consign half of Alexander Pope’s work to the same fate. I’d consider changing "what a child." To “Small child” the addition of small adds to difference in stature you’re aiming for and seemed to flow a little easier – but that’s just my opinion. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Grinch Thank you for giving a critique that was actually useful. I appreciate it greatly. Poets tend to have an artist personality that can be full of emotion both kind and hurtful. I think that if you have been burned by a poet [EDIT by moderator] it is your right and duty to fire back. Now if S/He would only do so in the form usually offered on this board, that would be a feat. As to your comments - I agree. I will change that around a bit. I think that the stanza format needs a little work too. Thanks for the read. CS [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (09-15-2006 05:39 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
When read in its "obvious initial intent," it probably falls short as just a rant or lightly veiled insult. When read as Grinch describes, however, I have to agree that it is well constructed. To reach that point though, I do have to make the effort to divorce the intent. Other than that, I thought the last line was a bit over the top. I think you can find something more relevant to Grinch's interpretation and more fitting. With that and possible some polishing, I believe the poem can stand on its own as a worthy offering. Try to look at it from that viewpoint and see if a change seems in order. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Pete, I quite liked the last line, the metaphor of words as thorns (or other painful piercing) seemed to emphasis the latent sarcasm – as if to say “sorry my words were so painful (not)”. Maybe I just read it wrong though – it wouldn’t be the first time.  |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
thanks Grinch Yeah I thought that it some how related to the idea of extracting your "pound of flesh" a la the old testament meaning. I'm starting to actually like this little ditty even removed from the carnage that has been CA lately. thanks CS |
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cbautista Junior Member
since 2006-09-13
Posts 38 |
As violent as this poem seems, I think that the emotion comes across very strongly. The short sarcastic comments as Grinch had mentioned enhances the emotion coming from the poem. Although, now I am curious as to who this poem is being aggresive to. Can you enlighten me? |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Nevermind that. The poem has now taken on a role of its own. I see it as aimed at one's own shortcomings but with the determination to overcome them. I still don't like the last line though although I can appreciate the "pound of flesh" inferrence. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
"I will stab you with my pen until you bleed the words I need to be a better poet. " It looks like the third line should be put in quotation-marks. This stanza is terrible: "You are the one who knows - you are the one who has taken my art from me like a piece of paper from a defiant 1st grader who just can't seem to pay attention." I recommend shortening it to something like: You know you took my art from me Like a piece of paper From a slack first-grader. The "title" also comes across more like an adverstisement-heading than a title/name for a poem. I think "Stilts" may be much better. I may not say I found this well written because I didn't. Such repetitions as "You are the one who...you are the one who..."; "did you...did you..."; "Step down...step down...". make it sound more like idle drama than poetry. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
The defiant 1st grader comment came from an instance during the day where I in fact had a defiant first grader in my class. You know how poetry and reality can sometimes cross paths. Thanks for the comments. CS |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I guess that if this piece needs to come down then so be it. I was starting to get attached to it, but it seems to have created quite a stir. That's your call Pete. I'm not sorry for writing it, and I think that it has some merit of its own. But I would rather get on with some more good conversation than fuss over stuff. It was nice turning the forum into "As the World Turns" for a while. Do what you want Pete CS |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I guess that if this piece needs to come down then so be it. I was starting to get attached to it, but it seems to have created quite a stir. That's your call Pete. I'm not sorry for writing it, and I think that it has some merit of its own. But I would rather get on with some more good conversation than fuss over stuff. It was nice turning the forum into "As the World Turns" for a while. Do what you want Pete CS |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Bump---can't get this thing to move. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I'm a moron...sorry. cs |
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Ignatius Junior Member
since 2006-09-23
Posts 14OK , USA |
I like this poem. It reminds me of Pound's "I've Made a Pack with you Walt Whitman", where Pound calls him a pig-headed father. It make you wonder, it's all a matter of chance, and talent... |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
CS, Though this seems to be aimed at a certain someone, I liked it. It is a smooth read with the words obviously carefully chosen. I was not aware that this was personal until I read the third stanza...the first two could easily be taken as speaking to one's muse, inspiration, etc. Perhaps, if you'd like, you could rework the rest of the poem to continue that theme, and keep the last line (it's good). The only other thing I would address is the last line of the second stanza. It looks awkward...I would make that into two lines. I enjoyed the read. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This is one of the best rants I've read in awhile. I'm not really happy with the ending though -- only because I've seen it before (I've done it before .)Let me think about it. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
I think the tone could be mellowed at the end a tiny bit to less (wondering if this is the right word to use)"provacative" . Minor side note, off topic sorry. Moonbeam used to post all the time and hasnt posted in a long while. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I don't know how to contact the guy. The more people with different takes on poetry, the better. I know he didn't like this one, but I've read the correspondance (some of it anyway) between Joyce and Pound and they did that. The flare up after 'Finnegan's Wake' is especially interesting. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Yeah- Haven't heard from him in while. Could have been Ron or someone using a pen name just to shake things up Who knows. CS |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
He may not come here very often, but when he does, he leaves a big impression |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Jennifer Maxwell hasn't been here for a long time either. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
He used to email me to help me with poetry but he just stopped and I havent heard from him in over 3 weeks |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Ahh the mystery continues. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Does anyone remember Kif Kif? Another disappearance. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Wow you are write. I have been disapearing lately but thats because we flew back to the states because some of my family is ill and we stayed where there was no internet access. Alot of people have been not coming onto the site recently. |
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