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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
See the snake slither Coal black and crying With tears cast for mother, A lover or friend. Up Larkill in drizzle All coughing and shuffles, The muffles of morning All mourning the end. Past the crowd gathering For doffing and crosses, Wailing a trail For the preacher to mend. Slow through the gates now Mates solemn and knowing Respects for the going And a place for the grave. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Grinch This was interesting to read. Just a few question/suggestions: "See the snake slither Coal black and crying..." Why an imperative? "With tears cast for mother, A lover or friend." Why "mother" and not father, brother, or sister, etc? How about kinsman? I think you may do away with both "with" and "cast": "Coal black and crying Tears for a kinsman, A lover or friend." "Up Larkill in drizzle" Where is Larkill? Should the reader be familiar? "The muffles of morning All mourning the end." I think the morning/mourning wordplay is a bit cliche and takes away from the seriousness of the poem. How about bemoaning? Lines four to eight don't seem to make grammatically complete sentences with only verbs in -ing (verbal adjectives). You may easily fix that by doing "are" instead of "all" in the sixth line, and "bewails" line 11 instead of "wailing". In line thirteen, I'm not sure if slow is set as an adjective or a verb, but for the sentence to be grammatically complete I recommend using it as a verb. See the snake slither Coal black and crying A lover or friend. Up Larkill in drizzle The muffles of morning All Past the crowd gathering For doffing and crosses, For the preacher to mend. Slow through the gates now Mates solemn and knowing Respects for the going And a place for the grave. I hope that is sound advice. Enjoyed the read. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Grinch This has Betjeman written all over it - specifically it reminded me strongly, in metrical terms at least, of his poem "Myfanwy". And though the subject matter is very dissimilar, the tone had the same gentle softness too. On reflection this is perhaps due to the predominantly dactylic meter. A poem like this relies for effect very heavily on its meter. The reader wants to be able to sail serenely through the piece enjoying the sounds and nuances without having to stumble or falter. You mostly achieved this except for L9 - L10 where the running of "gathering" into "for" seems a syllable too far to my tongue - easily fixed by using "gathered" without any serious loss of meaning maybe? The other instance was L15 - L16. Same difficulty. The "and" seems an "and" too far. For me L16 should simply start with "A". This also seems to give the final line more punch and finality, which compliments the sentiment quite well I think. On the theme the title had me floundering for a while with the multiplicy of possibilities it threw up, but that was fun, and added to the piece. I absolutely loved the opening image of the funeral procession as a black snuffling snake - good stuff. Also I certainly think you need to retain the detail of spelling out the various relationships (mother friend etc) as this zooms the reader straight into the action. "Larkill" (sic?) (Larkhill?) I frowned over for a good while. Northern Ireland (Dublin?) is ringing bells but I'm just not able to pin it. The only way it is really permissible to use such a specific place name is if it adds something to the piece. In this instance I feel strongly I should know it and that it is probably a place linked to a lot of misery. Probably misery caused by hypocrisy of some kind - politic or religious. Certainly the line "for the preacher to mend" and indeed the slightly cynical tone of S1 suggests to me that the narrator is looking on the scene as yet another miserable example of many that he has witnessed. The internal rhyme and slant rhyme was definitely prominent. I'd almost say it was overdone except that that when I tried to reduce it by changing some of your words the poem lost a lot of its dreamlike Betjeman quality. It's sort of congestedly musical as if the poem itself is choked up with grief and the misery of the grey drizzly day. In the end I think the diction is actually near perfect for the tone you wanted to create and read aloud the sonics are quite outstanding in some places. The only area I really thought was too much was when you used the two short "Germanic" words "gates" and "mates" with such perfect rhyme in such close juxtaposition. The effect was to jolt me out of the dream. In fact L12 and L13 were, and are still, borderline nonsense to me and I didn't think "mates" was a good word for this poem at all. Apart from that, a most enjoyable read. Thanks. M |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
I think the "gates" and "mates" round the scene, and bring the reader to the North of England(?) I'm a literal gal, 'the pits'?...although, I can also see why moonbeam wonders 'Ireland', insinuating a historical turn to this procession. I quite like the "...mother, lover or friend" because it shows that death in these parts (wherever they be) showed no mercy. The language of this poem is simple to reflect the language of these people, I think. "kinsman" sounds pretentious here to me. I do think there are too many 'ings, but I tend to look out for them as a personal check, it's not a serious fault here. [This message has been edited by kif kif (09-18-2006 04:36 AM).] |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I’m impressed, no I'm amazed! Larkill was a recent edit it was originally Larkhill (how did you get that M?) which is actually a real place, at the top of LarkHill is a cemetery, which is a bonus. I specifically wanted a real place name that grounded the poem in reality and Larkhill seemed to be a commonly used named throughout the north of England which might sound familiar, I edited it to play on the kill\death association (I thought it sounded Irish too). Ess, quote: The speaker is trying to draw the attention of the reader to something that's happening now it's a rhetorical device to engender interest. quote: Kif Kif had that pinned, it's an everyman reference, I could have used a host of related words but settled on Mother for it's assonance with lover. quote: You could be right about it being a bit cliché, I like the turn created by the almost repetitive nature when it's spoken aloud. I'll change it if it's a real show stopper though. quote: You lost me Ess Up Larkill in drizzle All coughing and shuffles, The muffles of morning All mourning the end. The procession winds its way up LarkHill in the morning, it's raining and everyone (all) are described as coughing (coffin), shuffles and muffles, (a little bit like a trope more like a half-trope) and they're mourning. Past the crowd gathering For doffing and crosses, Wailing a trail For the preacher to mend. We're moving past the crowd who have gathered to pay respects, they've gathered for doffing their caps, crossing themselves and wailing. The trail will end at the graveside where the preacher will try to lesson the grief - he's going to fix the wailing. I'm not sure bewails would work. Moonbeam Betjeman? I read a poem once about a train, I actually thought it was by Betjeman but I can't find it now, in it the meter of the poem matched the sound of a train. That's what I wanted, not a train sound but a meter that almost forced you to read faster and faster, I wanted to make it hard to read slowly as a counterpoint to the funeral topic but also because almost everyone wants them to be over with quickly. I agree 'gathered' and 'A' is better I'll change both. The Title? It's a little joke and a play on words, death and gravity are the two things that are guaranteed to bring you back to earth.  Again I'm amazed you got Larkhill. Gates and mates - this has always been a big problem, Kif Kif got it so right with the northern image (it's Lancashire BTW) but I agree it does jar. At one time I thought of changing it to pals, it has the same connotation and the link with the Accrington Pals tickles the double meaning devil in me. What do you all think? Kif Kif Special mention for placing the poem in the north of England, Lancashire did have it's pits and when I wrote this all the mourners wore flat caps and watch fobs, thanks for your input. Thanks to all of you in fact |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
I think 'pals' would do. Although, I have no problem with the rhyme, it slots in perfectly to my ears. It all sounds authentic to me, keeping in mind I was force-fed a diet of The British Industrial Revolution at school...it must have stuck, although I remember no poets, it was all facts and figures, with one Gaskell novel thrown in.) It's your word 'doffing' that placed it. Did the mourners not 'doff' their hats, much like they'd doff to the factory owner? The only comment I have on your structure, is yes, it does move like a funeral procession. The whole thing is visually/aurally precise. I've never read Betjamin (which I'll correct over the next while), but I do get a strong sense of 'Industrialism', 'progress or decline?' from this poem. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Grinch I believe you need a verb being used as a verb in order to make those lines grammatically complete sentences. What you have are verbs being used as nouns (coughing, doffing) and adjectives (past, mourning, gathering, wailing) but no verbs being used as verbs. It may help to see it written as if it were prose: Up Larkill in drizzle all coughing and shuffles, the muffles of morning all mourning the end. Now look at it this way: They went up larkill in drizzle all coughing and shuffles, the muffles of morning all mourning the end. Do you see the difference? |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I can see the difference and I understand that it's not grammatically correct Ess but then again people rarely speak perfect diction. If someone asked me where the funeral procession went I'd say "up lakill in drizzle" I think using the phonetics and resonance of normal speech adds conviction to the premise that a real person is showing and describing the scene, I think "they went" is implied in both speech and in the poem. Of course I could have over done it and recreated the Lancashire dialect exactly then the question would have been: "werz thee bin" And the answer would be: "up larkill int drizzle" But that would have fixed the poem to an exact location. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
a good one. I'll read it again. |
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