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Poor Vision (revision)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Poor Vision (revision) |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Poor Vision It wasn’t a foggy day but her stare cut the distance with razor-sharp precision in efforts to bring my attention to hers in that coy, girl-like fashion which men fail to understand - needless, notice. I swore I felt something, glancing to catch the final punctuation of her gaze cessation of attention caused more uneasiness than did the focus. I turned and smiled at curious eyes with questions just below the surface and I could almost hear the conversation between receptors that relate without the benefit of words. With all of the answers that were to become such - I returned to see if that imperceptible tinge would return, and wondered how many times the eyes were beckoning without so much as a realization from my short-sightedness. An artist's job is not to commentate the truth. An artist's job is to create it. -Dane Barner |
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| © Copyright 2006 Dane Barner - All Rights Reserved | |||
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Ok, I’ve read this a number of times and, perhaps it’s me, or perhaps it’s the Americanizations, “in efforts” rather than “in an effort” for instance, but the syntax seems contorted to the point of absolute nonsense in many places. Let’s do the detail. L1 In the context of what follows I don’t understand why it matters whether it was foggy or not. L2 -3 Really awful cliche. I mean when have you NOT heard the phrase “razor-sharp” in relation to vision? Come on, you can do much much better than that. L4 Right, about now I’m beginning to think, “What is remotely poetic about this?”. You are starting to drift off into Billy Collins mode but without the wit or insight. The whole of the rest of the poem is essentially telly as follows: “I swore I felt ...” “I turned and smiled ...” “I could almost hear ...” “I returned to see ...” Yawn yawn - Show don’t tell. L7 seems redundant. “I swore I felt something, glancing to catch the final punctuation of her gaze cessation of attention caused more uneasiness than did the focus.” What is comprehensible about that passage? “I turned and smiled at curious eyes with questions just below the surface” Ok, I’m getting eyes with little black questions marks embedded under the retina. Correct? “and I could almost hear the conversation between receptors that relate without the benefit of words.” “Receptors”!!! What the heck is this? A chemistry lesson? “With all of the answers that were to become such” I thought that the incomprehensibility couldn’t get worse ... “I returned to see if that imperceptible tinge would return,” ... but it just did ... “and wondered how many times the eyes were beckoning without so much as a realization from my short-sightedness.” ... much worse. You’ve tried way too hard with this. Keep to simple sentence structures and diction until you become more proficient. Trying to write in this overblown silly way merely makes your writing look ridiculous. I’ve read much better from you. Sorry I can’t be more positive. I hope this helps. M |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I will accept your criticism and your absolute certianty that you are correct. But I would admonish you to perhaps give some sort of suggestion as to what would improve the piece rather then rip it and provide no form of tutelage for better writing. Further, I searched the boards very briefly and could find none of your writing and could therefore not provide any of the services which you have so graciously bestowed on we, those poor fools who find such joy in our "art." cs |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Absolute certainty I'm correct - please don't patronise. This is just my opinion. If I sound confident it's because I have very many years experience critiquing poetry, but at the end of the day the things you can say with some certainty about poetry are that no-one is right and there are no rules. Also I am tired of the poor fools routine, please, if you want help, cut it out. I didn't "rip" your poem I simply told you what I thought was wrong with it and that in itself should help you improve. I also indicated at the end of the crit that simplification might assist. If it was me, I'd probably ditch this poem but if I wanted to persist with the idea I'd then sit down and start over by writing a precis in prose of exactly what I was trying to say. Have you done that? After that I'd concentrate on trying to put together a few original startling images not in any particular order and see where they took me. Do you read contemporary poetry? Do you have any poetry handbooks? M |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
They say those who can't do, teach. Is this what you are doing, or is there anything that you can show me that you may have written that may (or may not) prove your skill. Thus, giving some allowance for your chostic attitude towards critique. cs |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Christian "Yawn yawn" and a couple of other comments I made in this thread were over the top. I apologise. M |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
(looks left, then right) thanks I am starting to get where you are coming from. I read a little Liz Lochhead. She's great. Do you have any good sites with poetry collections? Peace be with you, cs Who am I if I can't love, What am I if I can't hate, and what is the result when I can't tell the difference? |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Christian Peace to you too. You’ll find masses to read and research here. http://books.guardian.co.uk/poetryworkshop/ It’s not really a workshop as such, more of a competition but the stuff is quite high quality. Some of the guest poets are very good and there’s links to their books etc. Check out what the workshop was in each case first, and then go to the short-listed poems link. Good reading, and maybe you might consider submitting yourself next month! M |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Not sure if this is helpful, but this poem really confused me, I didn't get it, sounded more like just sentences trying to form poetry to me. That may just be me, but If you figured out what you were trying to say then put that into words that could improve this. Also alot of the words there didn't need to be there, they did not help the "idea" , some of them were redundant and others seemed like they were there just to be there . Maybe taking a closer look at your poem, and disecting it verse by verse, line by line, etc.. might help. Decide what you really wanted to say and what just sounded good at the time and doesn't help the poem. I know in terms of writing I may not be one to talk, but am really trying. Some of the stuff I do in my own writing I am working at being able to notice in other writings so I can point it out to myself. Also Moonbeam I am going to look at your the site you gave for Christianspeaks . |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Good for you Rhia. Hope you had a good day yesterday. Also hope that the notebook is filling up with lots of ideas! England expects yanno, or should that be America or even Italy! Take care. Moonbeam |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Rhia- Just to let you know, I read your latest and thought it was just wonderful. Pieces that long usually cause me to windowshade, but yours was captivating. (didn't have any criticism so I didn't post) Anyway - this thing. I wrote this in the Las Vegas airport. Just a little vignette describing a ssituation that only half happened. I will cut some words out - see if I can take some of the narrative away without taking any of the story. I'll post it later today - hopefully you can have a look. Hey M - Have a wack at this one if you like - see how the teacher sees things after the students remarks. CS Who am I if I can't love, What am I if I can't hate, and what is the result when I can't tell the difference? |
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divine chaos Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617dancing 'neath the moon |
Christian, While I like the content of this piece, the delivery seems a little muddled (maybe because you male-types are all a bit confused when it comes to understanding women! *grins*). "It wasn’t a foggy day but her stare cut the distance with razor-sharp precision in efforts to bring my attention to hers in that coy, girl-like fashion which men fail to understand - needless, notice." I get the comparison of the first lines here. It wasn't foggy, but her stare cut through (as light cutting through a fog). It feels .. sloppy. I think it could be reworked a bit while still keeping the comparison intact, and maybe even give it a little more punch to really grab the reader's attention. Perhaps something along the lines that the day was clear, but her stare cut through the fog of your existence? That's still a little .. blah, but more of a contrast in the comparison - and less confusing  "Razor-sharp" leaves something to be desired. I know that look, I've used it! Using the cliche dulls an image that, in my opinion, should be more vivid. "in efforts" might work better as "in an effort," but I'm not sure. The "needless, notice" there feels very out of place. I'm not sure what significance it has, if any. I think I'd ditch that bit. "I swore I felt something, glancing to catch the final punctuation of her gaze cessation of attention caused more uneasiness than did the focus." I don't really like these lines at all. The idea - yes, but the wording is lacking something, though that may be more personal preference than anything that isn't "working" in the poem. If these lines were left unchanged, I would add a period, or at least a semicolon or a dash, after "gaze" though. If you're going to punctuate her gaze, then punctuate the line "I turned and smiled at curious eyes with questions just below the surface and I could almost hear the conversation between receptors that relate without the benefit of words." 'curious eyes with questions just below the surface' seems a bit redundant here, and does give off the cartoon-like quality, as Moon mentioned, with the question marks in the eyes. "I turned" and "I could almost hear" are wanting something more too, in my opinion. "With all of the answers that were to become such - I returned to see if that imperceptible tinge would return, and wondered how many times the eyes were beckoning without so much as a realization from my short-sightedness." The first two lines here .. you're trying too hard, I think. They don't fit -- and don't make a lot of sense worded as they are. "I returned to see" is a bit 'blah' as well. I'm not an expert by any stretch of the imagination and I do hate being so negative, but, in my opinion as the reader, it definitely needs some reworking. There is a lot of unnecessary 'chatter' with little words (a, an, the, if, that) that feel like they are just there to fill gaps, too much of a narrative feel, I think. On a positive note, I do like the content, I just think it could be better expressed, and hold the reader's attention better, with some editing of the more trite/cliche phrases.  I hope I've been helpful, even if only minutely. ~Sheli By words the mind is winged |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Okay try number two - Poor Vision It wasn’t a foggy day but her stare cut the distance with unlearned precision. One attention to another in that coy, girl-like fashion which men fail to understand. Senses engage launching Glances at final punctuation of a stare where cessation Caused uneasiness not found in focus. Turning to smile at curious eyes with questions just…below…the…surface - I could almost hear the conversation between receptors that relate without benefit of words. With all of the answers that were to become such - I returned to see if that imperceptible tinge would return wondering how many times the eyes beckoned without so much as a realization from my short-sightedness. The last strophe is still wierd. Take another crack at it. -Oh I like this. |
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