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Setting the Stage
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Setting the Stage |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Twisting and turning beneath the sheets, Remembering dreams and counting sheep, I give up now, it is impossible to sleep, The grave I have dug is perfectly deep. I pull at my hair, Memories despair, I would give up on my dreams, But I do not dare, I can think about how unfair, It will always be, But nothing can change except for me. Tormented by my illusions, Paving the way for insanity, My troubling delusions, Give way to sobering reality, But the reality is much worse, Than any delusion, I have come to that realization, I have come to that conclusion. The question is where I go from here, Now that the foundations of the wall, Have disappeared, What once propped up my very existence, Is now rendered to dust and ashes, Destroyed from its place, Of least resistance, That is to say I destroyed it myself, And the void left behind, Will not let up, It sucks me down, Drains my will to sustain, The fight to go on, Thus the setting of the stage. |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
perhaps this belongs in dark poetry? |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I guess I don't understand the rhyme scheme. Starts out so 1,2,3,4, and then the scheme is all over the place. If the scheme doesn't work then junk it. It's too distracting otherwise. BUT What once propped up my very existence, Is now rendered to dust and ashes, Destroyed from its place, Of least resistance, This I like a lot. You call the piece "setting the stage" and being an old roady I wish there were more theatrical mentioning in the words. Something about the end of a show or dimming lights. That's what I think. Hopefully a helpful crit. |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
I did my best to re-write this...at the time I wrote it, I meant that the stage was set for something, big, something meaningful that was going to happen. Now, I am not so sure, so I changed the context of what setting the stage meant. In addition, I attempted to keep the same rhyme scheme throughout, but I think it sounds to forced. As you suggested, I may have to scrap this, or perhaps write it in free verse. Anyhoo, here goes. BTW, thanks for taking the time to read this. Twisting and turning beneath the sheets, Remembering dreams and counting sheep, I give up now, it is impossible to sleep, The grave I have dug is perfectly deep. I pull at my hair, memories despair, I would give up on my dreams, but I do not dare. I can think about how unfair it is to be an unwilling player, And so with these thoughts in mind, I mail god a prayer. My troubling delusions, Pave the way for insanity, And then give way to sobering reality, But the reality is much worse, Than any delusion, I have come to that realization, I have come to that conclusion. The question is where I go from here, Now that the foundations of the wall have disappeared? What once propped up my very existence is now rendered to dust and ashes, Destroyed from its place of least resistance, But at least I am persistent. I am willing to engage the world as a whole, On its very own stage. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Personally I think a lot better. But the scheme just gets in the way. It's too forced. The final two lines are great. You end up at a solid destination. Maybe rewrite it in free verse or come up with a less restrictive rhyme scheme. Remember that the last word in a line doesn't have the be the last word in the sentence. That may help. Keep working at it. cs Who am I if I can't love, What am I if I can't hate, and what is the result when I can't tell the difference? |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
I find it difficult to write as if the last line is not the end of a sentence...I will attempt it on a later poem. Here is the newly revised version. I attempted to keep what I though was good and what you thought was good, so the result is this: Twisting and turning beneath the sheets, Remembering dreams and counting sheep, I give up now, it is impossible to sleep, The grave I have dug is perfectly deep. I pull at my hair, memories despair, Every memory is a slow death. What could have been is the bane of my existence, In a paradoxical situation, I must live to repair, Yet to go on is steady torture, And life is a one way trip to the mortuary. The question is where I go from here, Now that the foundations of the wall have disappeared? What once propped up my very existence is now rendered to dust and ashes, Destroyed from its place of least resistance, But at least I am persistent. I am willing to engage the world as a whole, On its very own stage. |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
I see a lot of good in this one. If you don't mind, I've done a line-by-line, my comments in parentheses. Twisting and turning beneath the sheets, Remembering dreams and counting sheep, I give up now, it is impossible to sleep,(make this comma a period) The grave I have dug is perfectly deep. I pull at my hair, memories (should this be possessive? Memory’s)despair, Every memory( can you use a synonym for ‘memory’ here? I don’t like the same word twice so close together) is a slow death. (Maybe put quotes around “What could have been” )What could have been is (delete the ‘is’ make it a dash, and then delete the ‘my’, )the bane of my existence, In a paradoxical situation, (delete the comma here) I must live to repair,(and make this a longer stop than a comma, maybe a semicolon or a period) Yet to go on is steady torture, And life is a one way trip( ‘one way trip’ is a little trite. Try something with more zing. ) to the mortuary. The question is where I go from here, Now that the foundations of the wall have disappeared? What once propped up my very existence( I think you need a line-break here) is now rendered to dust and ashes, Destroyed from its place of least resistance, (I don’t like the ‘destroyed’. Can you give me something concrete? Pushed, shoved, burned, dipped in chocolate and swallowed down. Something I can see? ) But at least I am persistent. I am willing to engage the world as a whole, (delete the comma) On its very own stage. (I don’t like ‘very own’. Maybe just ‘own’ ? ) Hope some of these suggestions resonate with you. Nan (Pilgrim variety) |
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UseTheIllusion Member
since 2006-02-06
Posts 223In a state of limbo |
Thank you, Pilgrimage. Here is the poem in the incarnation you wished to see: Twisting and turning beneath the sheets, Remembering dreams and counting sheep, I give up now, it is impossible to sleep. The grave I have dug is perfectly deep. I pull at my hair, memory’s despair, Looking back is a slow death. “What could have been” –the bane of existence, In a paradoxical situation I must live to repair. Yet to go on is steady torture, Where death is but the final destination on the route called life. The question is where I go from here, Now that the foundations of the wall have disappeared? What once propped up my very existence Is now rendered to dust and ashes, Destroyed from its place of least resistance, But at least I am persistent. I am willing to engage the world as a whole On its own stage. I am actually, much to my suprise, pretty happy with this result of the poem. It is not my favorite piece of mine, but it is strong enough. I will try to incorporate all of your advice in my future work. Thanks again. |
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