Life is a battle, time is a race

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UseTheIllusion
Member

since 2006-02-06

Posts 223
In a state of limbo

0 posted 2006-09-05 11:10 PM

I write about what I know,
And what I see in front of me,
When I refuse to join the sideshow,
It just means I gave up on society,
I still go to university,
For my own edification,
So don’t belittle me with your degradation,
Just ‘cause I don’t care about you doesn’t make me vile,
Just ‘cause I don’t buy your lies shouldn’t make you smile,
This is not about rebellion just for its own sake,
I am sick of all the nonsense, I am sick of all the fakes.

I am surrounded by stupidity,
A generation bred for imbecility,
My age demographic cares more about MTV,
Than the reality which surrounds them,
They don’t care for causality,
Metaphysics,
Theology,
History,
Ideology,
They are blind to what’s in front of them,
And yet can only see a stones throw ahead.

This is not about rebellion just for its own sake,
I am sick of all the lies inside,
I am sick of being raped,
By the simulacra surrounding me,
In the periphery of my vision,
I am sick of being terrorized by other people’s decisions,
I can only control my own fate,
When life is a battle,
And time is a race,
It’s all about earning my own place,
Channeling the rage into my pen,
‘Cause if life is a battle and time is a race,
Than it’s time the battle begins.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

1 posted 2006-09-14 11:01 AM

"Channeling the rage into my pen"

Pity it didn't stay there.

This is another uninspiring, boring, ummusical rant. It has the usual taint of "I am superior to you all" about it which, combined with the cliched title and the "I hate society" theme, would turn most readers off completely.

This is yet another example of a "poem" that should never have made it into the workshop.

M

UseTheIllusion
Member

since 2006-02-06

Posts 223
In a state of limbo

2 posted 2006-09-14 05:10 PM

Funny, I thought the point of this forum WAS to put such work into the "workshop", in order to improve our work. Thanks for your criticism. By the way, hows about you consider posing some of your own poetry, rather than tearing to pieces everyone elses?

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

3 posted 2006-09-15 05:09 AM

Sorry, but you were told by one of the best critters on this board that your last (and only other) "poem" in CA was simply a rant - some months later this is considerably worse.

To participate in a WORKshop you have to be prepared to WORK.

M

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

4 posted 2006-09-15 10:40 AM

i kinda have to agree, the only part i liked was the

life is a battle time is a race

part that was a nice line , and good vocab but yeah pretty unispiring poem , work on making it less confusing also more simple rather than confusing.

the best poem mite be the one that is about the simplest thing but it might be clear and amazing, as
where as if it complicated and confusing might be the best poem ever but noone can get into the poem cause its confusing. u jumped around a little to much.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

5 posted 2006-09-15 10:56 AM

I hope you won't mind me mentioning Rhia that a critique always carries more weight if it is written in good grammatical English with proper punctiation etc.  As:

"I kinda have to agree, the only part I liked was the: "life is a battle time is a race".  That was a nice line with good vocabulary.  But yeah,  pretty uninspiring poem; work on making it less confusing also simpler.

The best poem might be one that is about  the simplest thing but it might be clear and amazing.  On the other hand one which is complicated and confusing might be the best poem ever but no-one can get into the poem because its confusing.  You jumped around a little to much."

I hope you don't mind me mentioning this Rhia but it is all part of the mental discipline necessary to write well.  Use sloppy Internet speak and lax grammar and punctuation in your prose and you are likely to be lazy in your poetry too.

Just MHO and good job on the thoughts in your critique.

M

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

6 posted 2006-09-15 12:38 PM

Moonbeam if you have been a member since'05 how come you are a junior member?

Pilgrimage
Member Elite

since 2001-12-04

Posts 3945
Texas, USA

7 posted 2006-09-15 04:37 PM

I won't do an in-depth critique right now. But I will mention that you have quite a few run-on sentences that you have separated with commas:

I write about what I know,
And what I see in front of me,(.)
When I refuse to join the sideshow,
It just means I gave up on society,(.)
I still go to university,(delete comma)
For my own edification,
So don’t belittle me with your degradation,(.)
Just ‘cause I don’t care about you doesn’t make me vile,(.)
Just ‘cause I don’t buy your lies shouldn’t make you smile,(.)
This is not about rebellion just for its own sake,(either a period or a dash)
I am sick of all the nonsense, I am sick of all the fakes.

When done this way, you see how many short sharp sentences you have here. This makes the poem very staccato, and that is effective in a short poem but in a longer one like this it can make it monotonous. I'd like to see a revision.

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

UseTheIllusion
Member

since 2006-02-06

Posts 223
In a state of limbo

8 posted 2006-09-15 10:04 PM

I will concede to you, Moonbeam, that this is a rant. But I am a firm believer that even a rant has some truth to it, albeit hidden amidst all of the ravings and nonsense. To claim that a piece of writing lacks value is a misnomer, because every piece of writing has value, otherwise it would not have been written in the first place. And rhia, thank you for taking the time to critique my poem. I will try to make it less confusing, but, as I conceded earlier, it is indeed something of a rant. Pilgramage, thank you for your criticism. I will implement the changes you suggested, and repost it.

UseTheIllusion
Member

since 2006-02-06

Posts 223
In a state of limbo

9 posted 2006-09-18 01:55 PM

Having tried and tried, I do not think I can rework this poem into a more acceptable form, outside of adding periods, eliminating the comas, etc, etc. A rant is a rant, and I think it is best that it stays that way.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

10 posted 2006-09-21 05:55 PM

My reply to you was also a rant and I apologise for that.

Moonbeam

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