Declined - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

0 posted 2006-08-23 03:57 PM

To decline a present seems disrespectful
Yet
to accept with out knowing the source
is folly
for does not a gift blind the recipient?

even love?

The greatest gift of all
for the sages say love is blind
yet
it is only in this blindness that I can see
and it is with this understanding that I accept.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

1 posted 2006-08-24 07:42 PM

art,

I see you've ventured out into the realm of free verse. For being a novice, I think you have a good beginning, although I do have a few problems with your punctuation and capitalization. Also...try never to use cliches (ie: love is blind) if possible, although somehow in this poem, it doesn't seem too glaring. you've somehow made it fit.
Very good effort.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

2 posted 2006-08-24 08:24 PM

I agree, a much more satisfying read than the endless end-rhymes, and a question to ponder, to boot! I will reiterate what warmhrt says about the use of cliche-if you're going to use it, I'd delve right into the simile of "blind", and run with it...why is love blind? And, why do you say "to accept without knowing the source is folly"? You need to back that statement up. Other than that, a good beginning, as you're experimenting with question.

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

3 posted 2006-08-25 12:45 PM

To both of you, a great deal of my learning comes from you, so i really appreciate your effort and time.

Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

4 posted 2006-09-03 01:30 PM

Hi there:

Intereating.  when I write or read a poem that asked a question I always look for some clues to the answer. And what to know what question is being asked.

I get somewhat confused at "even love"  like one does not know if love is a gift or where the love is coming from.  Is it the love that is blind or is it the recipient that is blind?

In the last stanza you may think about swithching some the the lines.  Like:

the sages say love is blind
yet
The greatest gift of all
it is only in this blindness that I can see
and it is with this understanding that I accept.

Hope that this is a help to you

Rick

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

5 posted 2006-09-04 04:57 PM

Thank you, i appreciate your time and comments, they are a great help.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.