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Critical Analysis #2
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ChristianSpeaks
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396
Iowa, USA

0 posted 2006-08-18 03:43 PM


It's me. Is this still you?
She said.

It's always been me, I thought-
Standing in the middle of
this sightless scenery,
screaming my head off,
aggravating the dirt.

The cursor seems to taunt me
blinking aggressively
accessing my memory
along with my mail.

I sit there
with my mouth open
not a word to fall out,
and remember the back of your red shirt
my last recollection of you.


CS

That should be better.

[This message has been edited by ChristianSpeaks (08-19-2006 02:26 PM).]

© Copyright 2006 Dane Barner - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2006-08-19 09:33 AM


In a word, Spell Check or Proofread. Ok, that's more than one word.

Other than that, I think you have a pretty interesting start here. I did find the apparent environmental change from the first stanza to the second a bit of a problem but that could be fixed. Or it could be just my interpretation.

GoldenIllusions
New Member
since 2006-08-19
Posts 2

2 posted 2006-08-19 05:09 PM


I like this alot
it almost feels manic
I do think you should drop
she said
you dont really need it
very nice poetry though

Golden*

ChristianSpeaks
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396
Iowa, USA
3 posted 2006-08-19 07:36 PM


The reason why I added the "she said" was to set up the two speakers. In only a clarifying question, what do you think would benefit by the ommision of that statement? I am not questioning you critique. I just want to know what you think.

Thanks

CS

Skippyrick
Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150
Rohnert Park
4 posted 2006-08-20 12:57 PM


Dude:

This is nice.  You have asoseated e-mail and lost love well.  If your looking for a title, maybe just use your first two lines.  

It's me. Is this still you?
She said.

theres a lot I like about your poem. You may think about putting I thought in fornt of It's --

I like the adea of "sightless scenery"  This may sound funny but I dont see it, yet I repeat that I like the concept.

I think that what your trying to do here is give me that a moment of frustration. I like "agravating the dirt, but "scrccming my head off" is to simple.

The next part blinks like a cursor up to the last line maybe use "while I read my mail" or "Welcome you have mail"

Last but not least do need the last line?

I sit there
with my mouth open
not a word to fall out,
and remember the back of your red shirt

hay thank it was a great read and fun takeing apart.  

Rick

ChristianSpeaks
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396
Iowa, USA
5 posted 2006-08-20 03:32 PM


Rick thanks for the breakdown. I appreciate you comments. I surely like the idea of " you've got mail." That would bring a light breath to this otherwise frustrating piece. I will rework and post again.

here's the deal with the red shirt and the no words thing. That happened. Girl, boy. Girl boy fight. New girl - no old girl - death and dismemberment - saw girl for the last time. She was wearing a red shirt. She said hi- I freaked - and she left saying," Well, this is the last time we'll see eachother." And turned and walked away. I wanted to follow her, but Circumstances as they were - I didn't. 6 months later I got this email. I know that's a lot. But that part is needed. Hopefully it will read better with that knowledge.

CS

artexeres
Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 156
south africa
6 posted 2006-08-24 10:40 AM


No title needed, as the words tell the story, a good write indeed.
Pilgrimage
Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945
Texas, USA
7 posted 2006-08-24 03:01 PM


CS,  I don't see 'aggravating the dirt'.  If you were out in a field or something, I could see that, but if you're in front of a computer screen I can't visualize it.  I could see 'aggravating the electrons' or something there.  I'm probably missing something, I usually do.  But anyway, I enjoyed reading this one.

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

8 posted 2006-08-24 07:54 PM


CS,

"It's me. Is this still you?
She said."

I agree with someone else who said that "She said should be dropped.

"It's always been me, I thought-
Standing in the middle of
this sightless scenery,
screaming my head off,
aggravating the dirt."

I liked this stanza, except for the "dirt" line...doesn't fit.

"The cursor seems to taunt me
blinking aggressively
accessing my memory
along with my mail."

I also liked this, but you need to add punctuation.

"I sit there
with my mouth open
not a word to fall out,
and remember the back of your red shirt
my last recollection of you."

This stanza is also good in imagery, but, again...punctuation.

I enjoyed readng this, and your words did evoke imagery as well as emotion. Remember that the basics: spelling and punctuation always help the reader to appreciate your poetry.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

ChristianSpeaks
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396
Iowa, USA
9 posted 2006-08-28 02:00 PM


Thanks for all your comments. I would have replied sooner, but I have been abroad attending weddings, etc. Thanks for the punctuation idea. I think I'll work on that. Seperation may help.

The whole idea about the dirt comment - I guess that I got this idea in my head about being in the middle of no where screaming your head off, effecting no one but yourself. Then I added the idea of annoying the dirt - the only real observer in the whole matter. Sometimes I laugh at my own jokes. It's a curse. Thanks for the help all.

CS

Shaddow1
Junior Member
since 2006-09-04
Posts 41
Kingman Az, USA
10 posted 2006-09-04 02:37 PM


I read you poem but im not quite sure on your intent. What I seem to be grasping from it might not be accurate. The "Is this still you?" part is what I am not sure of. When read I am picturing a lover going through their partners emails and finding that their partner has ben unfaithful. But every one reads poetry differently. Very good though.

Love is like a Rose; it always dies - Britney Miller

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