The Comedic Death of Curious Martyr

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beautyincalvary
Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 98

0 posted 2006-08-05 10:19 PM

Upon the foot I was sitting of my welcoming bed
When I heard a faint a-tapping from above my pondering head.
I turned about and shouted out for enveloping me was dread.

The tapping tapped ferociously; I urged myself to doubt:
For no- this was no vampire nor beast of nature stout.
But quite, instead, a brave hero beckoning me to play,
Coaxing me to find the noise so I could save the day.

At last my fingers grasped the knob encompassing the tap,
I turned the brass and burst with fear as light shone through the crack.

There was no gleaming hero steaming in the streaming light,
Nor a hungry, feasting evil beast tapping to spur on a fight.
But upon my eyes, my trembling eyes, so surely they did see
A sorely sight, an evil blight steaming in that streaming light.

A knobby club, that evil chub was holding in his fingered stubs
Gnawed by his grinning yellow teeth- that gnawed-out club- on me bequeathed.

I cried my poor, sore streaming eyes and knew so soon that I would die:
“But oh, not yet!” howled he and smiled,“He is to suffer for his debt!”
And all at once came springing in- my unpaid debt, my gambling bet.
…And, yet, the sun stopped steaming then as I collapsed and groaned,
For in my heart I thought it well, knowing it was as a martyr -

That I’d descend to hell.
There is something wrong with this poem. I need help fixing it.

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

1 posted 2006-08-06 06:45 AM

you just stopped thinking, there are a lot of avenues for you to take this, redemption rebelion, perfect knowledge everything is achieved by meritorious works,fortune is unstable so do not accept a position on a tottering base,i doubt i helped at all,i felt that if you think, you can take this to a powerfil end, thank you.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2006-08-08 02:26 PM

Hi Emily.

The first thing I see wrong is exemplified here

quote:
Upon the foot I was sitting of my welcoming bed
When I heard a faint a-tapping from above my pondering head.
I turned about and shouted out for enveloping me was dread.

There are so many word inversions in just the first lines to cause most readers to just skip the rest of the poem.

In rare cases, you can make valid use of this construct but usually it just fails. In this case, it is all too obvious that it was done just to "make the rhymes." That is another fatal flaw: forced rhymes. This is just the first lines. These are scattered throughout the poem.

I know, poetry was commonly written with such wording but that was 100 or more years ago. Actually, ordinary spoken language was even similar then. Modern writing no longer accepts it. If you want to write in an archaic style then you usually need to maintain it throughout.

I think you have an interesting concept here that could work its way into a good poem. Try to rethink some of the wording and phrasing and see if it doesn't improve.

Thanks
Pete

beautyincalvary
Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 98

3 posted 2006-08-11 05:34 PM

Oy! It's a pretty crappy poem then. Hm, I don't know if I should even salvage it. Thanks!

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