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Critical Analysis #2
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kif kif
Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439
BCN

0 posted 2006-08-05 12:08 PM


There once was a gang called Controversy,
ripping up the land in a car called Fallacy.
Dressing up in clothes borrowed from Auntie Bessie,
this band of vagabonds like nothing more than getting messy.
Driving through the lanes in their petticoats,
shouting with the windows down, throats full of coke.
Stepping on the gas, 'til the engine chokes,
without old ladies pants, they're never ready!

© Copyright 2006 kif kif - All Rights Reserved
Beau de L'air
Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105
Middlesex, England
1 posted 2006-08-05 12:49 PM


Kif, greetings.  I can't get my head around this one.  For instance, (and I say this in the spirit of advising a grandmother to suck eggs as you are not a junior member like someone I know) why wouldn't you have written:

Ripped through the land in a Ford Fallacy
Dressed in clothes  on loan from Aunt Bess
This band of vagabonds, on a mission to mess?

That was just for a laugh.  By the way have I obeyed the protocols etc.?  Or am I considered presumptuous?  To some extent this internet poetry thing is as mad as a box of frogs! x BdL'.


artexeres
Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 156
south africa
2 posted 2006-08-05 01:46 PM


can one say it is contraversal and thats not a falacy,lol i think the expression  "throats fill of coke" explains a lot of the whatfor this poem seems, to say to me? thank you, for the read
kif kif
Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439
BCN
3 posted 2006-08-05 03:34 PM


Ribbit.

Say what you see. 'Just for a laugh' is always good by me, especially in this context.

I wrote it that way to suggest a limeric. Artexeres, the line "throats full of coke" is a later addition. At first, it was "driving with the windows down until they boke", but as a Scottish colloqualism, it's too obscure I think. By using "coke", I've narrowed it down.

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

4 posted 2006-08-05 10:22 PM


kif,

The wording is a little bumpy, but I appreciated the imagery...in fact, did laugh.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Essorant
Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
5 posted 2006-08-05 11:25 PM


I liked it too.  But since the form echoes the sound of a limerick it comes across somewhat like a bad attempt at one.  Why not just go all the way and work it into a limerick or two?
kif kif
Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439
BCN
6 posted 2006-08-06 12:58 PM


Thanks for reading, warmhrt and Essorant. I'm not exactly sure of the rules to a perfect limerick...I'll find out. The bumpy rhythm was trying to imply the bumpy ride. It was an off the cuff thing that kept coming back to me on certain occasions. Yikes...homework!  
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