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Critical Analysis #2
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THE ROAD TO TEUTOPLIS
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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THE ROAD TO TEUTOPLIS |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
THE ROAD TO TEUTOPLIS I was under the overpass by Lulu’s Taqueria after ten p.m. just outside Bible Grove the old Indian stopped a big 4x4 no it was a big Navaho in an old pick-up “Get in, nothings open here” I did He drove north to Hard twenty miles Pulling into Ned’s Hide-away handing me a fiver Grinning all gums “I like you. That’s all you get, make it last all night” Two beers and one game of pool later “Sleep in my TP? Or under the truck it’s up to you” I left as the sun hit rubber on foot alone Rick Slottow |
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| © Copyright 2006 Rick Slottow - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
Economical, evocative, I was in a movie from the first line. I love the flat tone, like the flat road. TP? I love it. Americana. Shortcuts. Sort of "on the road". Two lane blacktop. A guys's poem. Should have been "handing me five", or "a five" not handing me "a fiver"... there you sound like a London cabbie...... (which you might well be, who knows?) AVE Skip [This message has been edited by Beau de L'air (08-05-2006 12:31 PM).] |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
thanks for your comments. I wonder sometimes well all the time why I get so few comments on my poems. one or two at the most. Unless I post something unfinished or just bad poetry. And the re-writes seems to get no second looks so I have been commenting less since the 50 mark. Thanks rick |
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
Yeah I know, people are busy. And they're probably not on holiday like I am. Is there a button you press to get a list of all the poems someone has written? If not, why not? I think your poem's the best I've read (one of the best, I quite like Kif Kif for some bizarre reason) since I joined this madhouse. Have a go at some of Beau de L'air's. I know... vanity publishing...... But if you hate them that's OK. Anyway are you a fan of country music? (Probably not at your age.) I find that writing poems to the latin hymns(!) (sung by your most excellent and conceivably catholic Beth Nielsen Chapman), does the trick. No I'm not remotely religious. Not yet. See you in cyberland.. PS Teutoplis? What sort of place is Teutoplis? And how is it pronounced? [This message has been edited by Beau de L'air (08-07-2006 10:13 AM).] |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Well, I am feeling kind of grammar-ish on this poem so hang with me for a few minutes and than I promise to shut up!  Actually, no, I’ve decided not to go through the whole list of things I was thinking of, although, I will suggest you add some comma’s, periods, and little things like that. It would break this down a little and make it easier to read, instead of sounding like one long sentence. I agree with Beau de L’air on most of what was said, aka the “fiver” being “five”. Plus, I also enjoyed the “flat” tone of the poem, it was what I would call narrative (?) in some ways. It’s not a tear wringer, which is nice, yet, it has just enough in it that it keeps you reading, I think you did an excellent job in keeping the content interesting, at least for me. Thanks for sharing/listening to my ravings! @-->--- |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
great too hear from all of you. Teutoplis: I realy am not sure how to prononce it. But is is a town in Ill. Never been there. More pucuation. mmmm I will look at that and think about making it a Five Or a five spot five ones. thanks again rick |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I think five spot would be better. Yes, an enjoyable piece. To be honest, there's still a strong tendency to see this forum as a workshop rather than an attempt to simply tell the writer what you think as you're reading it. This, perhaps, is why you get fewer responses on the better poems. I don't know. Wonder if this might become a sequence of poems? |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Gee: Thanks again for the comment. And again I have to take it as a complement that my poems seen to be more polished, that is closer to the finished product that we see here normally.. Sometimes I do put something really different and sloppy in just to get all of us going, just for the fun of it. Thanks again. Rick |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Do me a favor, don't do that!  One of the reasons I took a long hiatus, I guess we can call it that, from this forum is having to deal with those half-finished pieces. It weighs you down after awhile and it feels like you're never going to get to the good stuff anymore. |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
No I dont think I will.. A sequence of poems. I think I would have to atculy travel to someplace and try to discribe whats seen though the eyes of the traviler instead of just being amused with the way a story was told to me. It was'nt the story but the pace in witch it was told. I'll keep it in mind or? Rick |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I really like this- I liked 'fiver' as is, and I think the lack of punctuation adds a certain urgency, which to me, makes this work. I agree with what someone else said- reminds me a little of 'On the Road.' |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Rick I have no idea why you recieve few comments on your postings. Let's not let that happen here. I think this is great. I think the best poetry is that which gives you a scenario which you can then lay out in your head. This one fits the bill. Fiver or Five spot - either one for me. TP? maybe spell that out. I understood what you were saying, but there are several meanings for TP if you get my drift. Fine read. CS |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
There isn't any one clear answer regarding the number of responses to certain pieces posted. It simply comes down to what any given critic feels compelled to comment on, whether it be a memory the post inspires, their experience on basic form or some technical points they feel need correcting. One may simply not even like it enough to bother with. I must dispute the idea that this is even labeled a poem however. Is it somehow insulting to refer to a piece as prose? Would it be considered any less interesting? Line breaks alone don't make something poetry. Something really should be done about the punctuation: Either complete it or eliminate it altogether. It's distracting as written. Additionally, it's a wonder no one's asked that the stereotypical points in this be dropped; i.e., the fat, drinking Indian in a 4x4, (pickup?); the teepee, (Navajos don't live in teepees, if they happen to live on the Rez at all.) Sid |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Great: Your comments are pure gold. You have said so much in your simple comments. If it's not a poem or prose than what does that make it? what a wounderfull question that I do not have an answer to. And you are completly right in pointing out the long winded naritive style making hard to follow as well is the sterotypes, wrong as they are, make that peice hard to take seriously. Point taken. When the story was told to me I had the hardest time keeping up. I was so amused I had to write somthing. Thanks again rick |
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