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i am nothing
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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i am nothing |
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beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
oh, daddy, hold me again like when i was little oh, daddy remember the sunsets your big and calloused hands grasping firmly, lovingly my small and tanned hands my fingers are thin and long and yours are thick and long enclosed around mine oh, daddy, watching me and i admire the colors blue and purple and pink and orange mixed into a pastel painting and the moon is coming, daddy! why is the moon shining, daddy, when i can still see the sun? oh, daddy, your answers are beautiful like a poet describing how the sun first talks to the moon before leaving and it doesn't even make sense but it is beautiful and i am beauiful as you admire me i am beautiful you tell me, daddy i am a butterfly and you are my cocoon because you made me i am yours and you will always protect me. but, daddy, you cannot protect me anymore my hands have GROWN, daddy and yours grasp not my thin fingers but only the cool, perspiring beer bottle poisoning your liver poisoning your motor functions poisoning your mind oh, daddy, you can NOT protect me anymore because i don't know how to grasp your hand because i grasp only your hidden beer bottles and throw them away praying to a god i don't believe in that you might be my daddy for just one day but you will never be my daddy again because i am not your beautiful baby anymore i am nothing nothing, you tell me swaying and smelling of stale whisky you are nothing i hear and i TRY, daddy but i am not smart like you were i cannot do the math in my head counting, multiplying, divinding i can't do it but i can smell on your breath the tragic waste of knowledge burned out by alcohol i am nothing my test reads the third letter of the alphabet screaming you are nothing with merely one letter screaming you are nothing with the stale whisky on your breath screaming oh, daddy, where are the sunsets why do i dream why do i think these beautiful thoughts painted with pastels that i buy cheap with babysitting money why do i draw these beautiful pictures why do i throw away your hidden alcohol oh, daddy, why did you leave me alone with the fading sun by emily. I posted this in teen poetry... I don't know if I'm allowed to post this same one in here, but I want this to be critiqued. |
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| © Copyright 2006 emily boresow - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
It is all right to post in CA or Workshop after posting in another forum. I think you have a start here. A tragic story and one that is told many times, I'm afraid. Still, if done with something new, even a new feel, it could be good. I would suggest you trim it down quite a bit. There seems to be too much repetition, not so much exact but substance-wise. It seems to me that the build up is too long, maybe too many points or points too elaborately detailed. The same probably applies to the turn. Maybe try to drop some hints instead of thoroughly spelling out every point. It usually helps to include some metaphor or simile. I'm not sure I would overdo that in this case though. Good luck. Now let's see what others have to say. Pete |
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artexeres Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 156south africa |
a sad and very true tale told well, it really got me thinking and thank you for sharing your feelings.i can relate as i also boozed once upon a time it really makes us fathers losers i was fortunate enough to stop six years ago and it has changed my famillys as well as my lives. I who had nothing fated to loose Caught in a web deluded by booze Never knowing that I could choose Tangled in chains hanging in the air Broken heatedly I cry filled with despair Searching frantically for answers, lurking out there Vacant in space blankly I stare All of life’s goodness, I could not trust Looking back now I can see how my life got bust With the mirror of life I come face to face Shattering reflections, spitting disgrace. [This message has been edited by artexeres (08-02-2006 11:28 AM).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hello Emily, If, indeed, you are the subject of this poem, you are brave to bare your soul in this way. (Even if you use the first person, the poem can be fictional, of course.) You have a very good expression of feeling here, and I do not think it needs metaphor, though simile always helps to paint a clearer picture. I do feel it could benefit from more punctuation, as no comma or period at the end of a line often makes the reader want to connect the next line to it, or stop at the end of each line, which is not what you want all the way through the poem. The poem also needs some tweaking, and I will try to give you my opinion as best I can. I am not an expert, but I hope I can help you polish this up a bit. Perhaps others can also give you some input. It very well could be an excellent piece with a few revisions. First off, I would eliminate the "oh" from the first line, and make the "hold me again" the second line for more emphasis. L1 "daddy, L2 hold me again, L3 like when I was little." Then a new stanza. The next few lines could have some of the words removed, and still retain the meaning and emotion. I think the sunsets should be brought up a bit later to clarify the colors you speak of. (I'm not rewriting your poem for you...just offering some alternative that could show you what I mean.) L1 remember (this makes this stanza past tense) your big, calloused hands, those thick fingers cradled my small hands firmly, lovingly, as you watched me watching the sunset, the colors... In the second stanza (and elsewhere), I would eliminate the "ands" and "buts"...they are not needed, and will make a smoother read. Here's an example of how I would revise the first few lines (remember, only my humble opinion). daddy, you cannot protect me anymore, my hands have GROWN, yours no longer reach for mine, only... I think you could also eliminate the "becauses". Believe me, Emily, you are not a "nothing", as the poem suggests the subject is. You are an artist able to express herself well with words, and with practice, you can only get better. Read poetry as often as you can, and work on each poem you write, revising it till you feel it can get no better. Always keep the reader in mind...how smoothly it will read, and the emotion and imagery you want to convey. I hope I have helped you in any small way, and if you want any more suggestions feel free to ask. Sincerely, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu |
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beautyincalvary Member
since 2006-07-13
Posts 98 |
Thank you very much! This is excellent advice, and I agree with you. No, this poem is not about me. I write mostly fiction. The nonfiction poems I write are not allowed on here. |
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artexeres Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 156south africa |
A very good comment, sorry for being prusumtious, it is just that your read was so powerfill, i got carried away. anyhow a real stinger of writting, that i believe every father should read. thank you once again, for the write, i really enjoyed. |
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