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Critical Analysis #2

Family's Love

Artofmark
Junior Member

since 2006-07-12

Posts 41

0 posted 2006-07-17 01:29 PM

my eyes watery and heavy
I cry but i do not why
for others happiness envy
I try so hard but for they think i lie
my heart grows weak
I just want to yell in a outcry
Everything i do no good they critique
Lost in my thoughts but why?
I just wish for bliss
No more tears within my eye
For family love's is what i miss

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

1 posted 2006-07-20 11:28 PM

To me this piece feel very spoken word. I think that it may read better if you spaced the line a little. Tell us where we need to breath and show with a better use of leading language where we should speed up and slow down.

Good start.

CS

An artist's job is not to commentate the truth.
An artist's job is to create it.
-Dane Barner

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