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Critical Analysis #2
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The Shadow in Blue
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 493
EL, Michigan

0 posted 2006-07-06 11:29 PM


My Little Brother

A blond bombshell of joy entered my life
with a lopsided grin and the wag of his tail
he jumped into my arms lickity split

And as he aged he gained a new edge
an empathic smile with a kiss on my hand
just as he layed his head on my lap

Exuding an air of selfless true love
he looked into my eyes and tilted his head
peering right back at me he barked happily

Then looking away he ran torwards door
playfully stretching and wagging his tail
so I threw him a bone and chased after him

The dog tags on his collar jingling as he ran
launching himself on his catch with a pounce
and just like a cat he defended his prize

So now you are four, not so young anymore
but inside you are just my little baby brother
always the puppy, who I grew to love

So here is to you my teddy bear of sorts
with warmth deeper then your golden locks
I'll always love you and call you my own


© Copyright 2006 Jill Slamka - All Rights Reserved
ChristianSpeaks
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396
Iowa, USA
1 posted 2006-07-07 11:00 PM


Thank you thank you thank you...

This is my type of piece. I like the fact that it's not to much of a window shade. Each stanza leads well into the next and it creates a little picture or story that I can relate to. Very fine.

CS

An artist's job is not to commentate the truth.
An artist's job is to create it.
-Dane Barner

RyaNs TaLL
Junior Member
since 2006-07-05
Posts 17

2 posted 2006-07-09 09:23 PM


I like the line "and as he aged he gained a new edge" but beyond that i dont really like the overall simplicity of the poem; maybe thats what you were going for, but overall the message and staging of your writing are extremely simple. Not to trash your ability to draw a meaningful distinction between two uniformly different objects and still convey your message. I guess its just a different style than mine.

"If consequences dictate our course of actions then it doesn't matter whats rite it's only wrong if we get caught."

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
3 posted 2006-07-09 11:05 PM


Actually Jill, I found it to be a quite pleasant read. It is light weight but, of course, you knew that and most likely intended it. BTW, I believe it should be laid instead of layed. Here are my few suggestions. Do with them as you will.

S1, L3 appears to start a new sentence. Instead, I would put as in front of it to make it part of the previous line.

S3, L3 is similar. Again I suggest as between me and he.

S4, L1 needs the before door.

S7, L3 should probably begin a new sentence. It may already be but it is hard to tell since you used no periods and only one comma in the piece. There are many who will not agree but I still think proper punctuation adds a lot to a poem. It gives the reader at least a hint as to how the poet intended it to be read.

These are all mechanical suggestions that, IMO, will make the poem easier to read and will remove any suggestion that you might not have given it as much thought as you should have. As for content, I can only suggest that you work it over, trying to remove a few extra words. That likely requires finding some more expressive words to keep the emotion up. Try to drop some hints rather than spell it out so detailed. Leave a little more to the reader's imagination. Of course, you can't go too far with that without losing the spontaneous nature.

Thanks. I did enjoy it.
Pete



The Shadow in Blue
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 493
EL, Michigan
4 posted 2006-07-12 08:34 PM


Thanks for the advice Pete. I appreciate it and shall work on it when my muse finds my soul.
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