The Art Of Risk (A Song) - pipTalk Forums

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kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

0 posted 2006-07-05 09:17 AM

It's not the situation,
a view that's merely shading
what's going on...

A righteous incantation
can only mean we'll soon be gone,
back to where we came from.

For humble information
rests on the shores of home
looms, and will returns, and re-creates.

A need for what's recieved
shall make a blossom like a dawn,
in all it's freedom to break

the undefeated champion, Shadow.
Don't get it wrong,
but we've got to take a backwards glance
to formate love.

(Partly inspired by the inspiring conversations from Digital Hell, Stephanos and Essorant in Philosophy...helping me on my way, Onelove.)

Beau de L'air
Member

since 2006-08-03

Posts 105
Middlesex, England

1 posted 2006-08-06 01:07 PM

Re. poem:Haven't the faintest idea.....
but someone should reply to a poem with 0 replies.

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

2 posted 2006-08-06 02:57 PM

Hardly a critical analysis, but as we're chatting about the subject, it's about going back to my home country to live, mixed-up with the ideas in the dark v's light thread, in the Philosophy forum. Perhaps too personal? That's why I made a song, it's not exactly poetry.

Digital_Hell
Member

since 2006-06-05

Posts 202
Amidst black roses

3 posted 2006-08-06 03:32 PM

Is this about a journey? Not only one to your home, but a spiritual one aswell? A search for the light and truth?

In both cases i must ask what you mean by

"A need for what's recieved
shall make a blossom like a dawn,
in all it's freedom to break"

By the flower are you representing life and perhaps growth?

As for that thread on Dark vs Light, its still giving me a headache.

A sign in the wind
The fatal last breath
Soft prelude to my death
Alone
Amidst black roses

Beau de L'air
Member

since 2006-08-03

Posts 105
Middlesex, England

4 posted 2006-08-06 03:36 PM

You want critical?  OK it's a song.... so let's make it scan.
I don't like "situation".  It's prose.
I tend to delete "merely" in my verse, but that's me.  It comes up a lot in the subconcious, I don't know why.  A kind of sneer I suppose.
"looms" doesn't follow "home" nicely except in prose. As in "I say, home looms darling", she cried as he sped up the country lane.
Finally what in the seven circles of hell is "formate"?

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

5 posted 2006-08-07 03:28 AM

Thanks guys. "A need for what's recieved..." is about back home needing the cultural aspects I've come across on my travels. Going home to put things into practice, instead of staying away to find things already in practice. This is about growth, but also going back to the place of original roots for that growth.

I know what you mean BDL about 'merely', it sounds muddy when spoken (although, does it go with 'information'?) The word 'looms' is relevant, to suggest a material mill, and also to suggest how close it is, but I'm feeling that it's an old word, and sticks out. "Nicely in prose"? "home looms, darling"? Hmmm. I'm so working class. I don't see the problem with "situation", apart from the fact I've heard it loads of times in songs. What exactly are the points of prose that can't be used in poetry, or songs?

Digital, I've not been involved in the 'dark v's light' thread for a while. It went all technical, so it may take me a while to catch up.

Ps, Beau De L'Air...I looked, and the word is quite chemical-I made it up to fit the rhythm, and this time, it doesn't go with the referenced meaning. oops. It should, though...formate, shape?

Beau de L'air
Member

since 2006-08-03

Posts 105
Middlesex, England

6 posted 2006-08-07 08:26 AM

The difference between poetry and prose is very tricky.  Indeed some poetic effects can be achieved by the insertion of prose,  IMV- (In My View is my new TLA). Broadly speaking when you expect one word to follow another, it is 'communication'.  When you don't, it might be poetry.

Lower middle class, me.  Originally. (Sorry USA nationals, you quite sensibly, are caste-less!) So were Blake and Clare, while Dickinson and Hopkins were UMC. These, are four of my heroes.

This is Gerald Manley Hopkins at the turn of the last century(?):

A Nun Takes the Veil

I have desired to go
Where springs not fail,
To fields where flies no sharp and sided hail,
And a few lilies blow.

And I have asked to be
Where no storms come,
Where the green swell is in the havens dumb,
And out of the swing of the sea.

"Out of the swing of the sea" you cannot improve that line.  Early modern you see.  So,  they were literally on the cusp of a new age.  Magnificent poetry seems to emerge at these critical times.  Whereas Wordsworth and the Romantics were a reaction at the tail end of their period.  Somewhat glutinous I think they are.  Well, Keats was pretty cool I admit....

The "home looms darling..." was a pastiche.  (PG W) And you are quite right, in the context of weaving, you are entitled to use it since it is an evocative word, but I first read it as a verb, which spoilt it for me.  Abject apologies.....

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

7 posted 2006-08-07 09:44 AM

So, the more unusual the word sequence, the more poetic a write? Interesting, and makes me think of Linton Kwesi Johnson's "Always capsizing, within the shattered dark...and the sudden planting of flesh". from "For Those Who go Doun Always, And Under." He also uses logical progression, talking about "swell" and "where stones ride." I've never thought of it like that, thanks.

Beau de L'air
Member

since 2006-08-03

Posts 105
Middlesex, England

8 posted 2006-08-07 10:02 AM

LKJ ALWAYS surprises. But the word(s) must be apposite too. If you've played chess you'll know that the possible patterns are infinite, but the rules never vary. Take the Greeks and their notions of what a drama was: Unity of place, time and action ( not sure about Action but I think that's right). Anyway it still works! Not to say we can't move on. Otherwise we wouldn't evolve.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

9 posted 2006-08-16 08:48 PM

kif,

I must admit I had to read this a couple of times to even begin to get the feel of it. It is a bit of a bumpy read...needs some smoothing out. I did love the "blossom like a dawn...", but the rest of the image was too drawn out. The third stanza with it's double "and"s is a bit too awkward.

I see much potential in this song-poem of going home, and trying to live up to your past, your "shadow", but I think it needs some working on. Oh, yes...as far as I know, formate is a noun...a salt...am I missing something? JMHO

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

10 posted 2006-08-17 03:38 AM

Thanks, warmhrt-no, you're not missing anything, although I am tempted to suggest 'calcification'. I made the word to fit the song, and it doesn't.

I'm wondering about the rhythm-as a song, it's almost like fitting in samples to music-as I can 'hear' the music in my head, I don't hear a problem...the problem would be how to express what's not written-what rhythms 'go' with this, without actually setting it to music. Punctuation?

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