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synthetic
Member

since 2006-06-10

Posts 70
ontario, canada

0 posted 2006-07-04 03:35 PM

I wish you were afraid of heights
so you'd come off that high horse of yours.
Walk along side a normal man
that can only offer you himself;
his joy, his sadness, his pain, his hopes.

Come off that high horse
so my words can lift you to a better place
where you can know that you're my star,
with air beneath your feet and above your head.
That air's actually my breath.
You never leave my lips,
you never leave my soul.
I'll praise you forever and ever babe.

I write for you because I have no choice.
My words are meant for you alone,
I'm moved by you alone.
That's why I want every moment with you to stand still.
Stand still because there's no need to stand the test of time,
stand still because everything I need is with you.

I've got a high horse
I'll ride it to see you.
I promise to save you.
I'll save you with promises,
ones I'll never break.
On my high horse I'll reach you,
bring you down from your tower.
The one they built around you,
that stands back against the sun.

I've got a fairytale constructed around you
and babe I feel it's coming true.
God gave me life
and I believe it was so I'd meet you.
So I'd know miracles are real,
so I'd know we all get our moment to shine.
An imperfect man who got the chance to say perfection is mine.

How about I pick you up on my high horse,
you can get rid of yours.
We'll tie our loose ends together,
watch our dead ends become a full circle.
Where you completed me and I felt blessed.
Where I completed you and I felt blessed.

You love to the utmost.
There's no turning back.
No keeping score.
No adding up tabs.

I can feel that way about you
because you bring the best in me out.
Because you bring the best in me out
it couldn't be any other way.
Hold onto me tight and feel free to close your eyes.
Knowing that you won't miss a thing
because I'll live my life for you.

So on our high horse
we'll be higher than before.
Boosted up by unbreakable promises,
love that won't fade, miracles, a fairytale
and the knowledge it couldn't be any other way.

Could you possibly give me a chance,
to make this my reality,
to make you my life.
I promise I won't let you down.
And so it begins with a promise,
so secure the word itself is shielded,
so secure it won't ever fall,
I promise I will stand up for you.
God gave me life and I'll give it all to you.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-01-02 04:40 PM

Well, I admit I don't really like this one, but some of the, I hope, intended irony was funny.

Also, wonder what happened next.

kaila
Junior Member

since 2006-12-24

Posts 37
PA

2 posted 2007-01-02 07:52 PM

Hi--

I actually like the opening:

"I wish you were afraid of heights
so you'd come off that high horse of yours."

The image and the idea surprised me. Thanks for the smile and the tone.

Many of the next few lines feel like overkill to me.  Cut the words; create and show rather than tell.

Again, there was a spark of something nice with the line
"so my words can lift you to a better place."  However, again, the lines that follow feel wordy, overstated, and unnecessary. I was focused on your feelings instead of on the feelings conveyed through the poem.

I recognize all of the high-low, up-down kind of references. The references must have taken time. However, you probably can create more tension--and move beyond the obvious switches in perspective-- if your feelings were conveyed in more truncated lines.

With "I write for you because I have no choice." I hear you.  But the lines that follow do not work as poetry for me.  (Sorry.)  I am not questioning the feelings, but I am uncomfortable with the words that do not seem true as presented.  Feelings are not always poetic and often do not need to be stated so obviously in a poem.

The rest of the poem seems to have too much going on.  Fairytale images, references to God, lots of reference to that high horse again, and different allusions do not work together. And the feelings run on and on as words rather than as poetry.

There obviously is meaning behind the poem. So stay with it. Make the meaning/feeling special.  Take one image and clearly, perhaps in multiple layers, explore one idea without all of the extra words. Or maybe create tension with some of the word combinations.  Sorry, I am not more helpful here.

kaila

synthetic
Member

since 2006-06-10

Posts 70
ontario, canada

3 posted 2007-01-07 07:54 PM

First off, let me begin by saying how stunned I am to see this poem surface. I would of most certainly appreciated grand acclaim for my first "review" but all is fair, and the truth is of far greater value to me. Brad, it's cool that you didn't like this one... but what's even better is how the "hope" thing was funny to you. I read it over a while and I believe I saw what you were talking about. Kaila, I'm hoping I've got your name right... thanks for the comments. There were definitely weak spots in this poem... ones that came in the form of repetition and clutter; but what I've come to realize is that this wasn't a poem to be posted in this forum. It was simply a personal piece, that I had no intention on posting originally, and so didn't search to have any order in it. Consequently, I went over feelings many times, and gave the reader something more than they would want. I'm glad that there were some parts that interested you, and I can only hope that new pieces I intend on posting in the near future will be of interest to you. Thanks again.

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