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Critical Analysis #2
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Home Truths |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Some say there's no way better than our own front yard. Plants cultivated, neatly in a row. Just trained to ignore barking from the dog, out back! Chained to fence-posts, everywhere, and collared to inflict pain. Forget the comfort of home as time marks a run. Wild interest is swift, to make the beast shout Danger! Incredibly hard, without no love or safety. [This message has been edited by kif kif (06-20-2006 03:38 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 kif kif - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Hi: I again don't quit get what your are writing about. It it crulty to dogs? The way you use some of your words don't sit right with me. Some say there's no (way) better (no yard or what? No way to know what your refering to.) Plants cultivated, neatly in a row. Just trained to ignore (the flow seems to stop. what other word could you use here to help the two line abjam? [That last word is spelled wrong]) barking from the dog, out back! Chained to fence-posts, everywhere, (do you need the and) collared to inflict pain. Forget the comfort of home as time marks a run. Wild interest is swift, to make the beast shout Danger! Incredibly hard, (this line seems strange like the first line tthe word no seem out of place) without no love or safety Keep on writhing you have an interesting way of phasing your thoughts. Rick |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Thanks, Rick. The rhythm is a result of a messed-up haiku. was trying for a reggae vibe-(no way better...)I know, I know...a continent seperates the styles. I've gone global! I know what you mean, though, the flow is choppy. What word did I spell wrongly? The dog is a metaphor for 'the underdogs' in society. Remember the old out-posts in the age of 'Discovery' We came, we saw, we collared. I am stuck with the last two lines-I understand that the abstraction confuses. I just don't want to spell it out! Thanks again for your help...I'll ponder your input some more. |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
kif: I was I that spelled a word wrong enjambment: You know a better word that would flow into the next line. rick |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Right. "...ignore barking..." that enjambment. That line's been fiddled with loads of times. At first, I had 'they train to ignore', but I wasn't happy with the word 'they'. I know the grammar's off, but will I get away with it if I say it's a conversational style? |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, it doesn't make a lot of difference what you "say" it is. As I see it, they whole piece is pretty conversational (there are more fragments than sentences) and I think you get by with it fine. It does read easily as is. I do have more of a problem with the double negative last line though as it seems to be excessively incorrect in comparison with the rest. BTW, enjambment aside, It reads better for me if you move barking to the end of the line above. The enjambment looks artificial here as it is really the only one evident and forms somewhat of a speed bump. |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Oops-Not A Poet-guess what? I didn't even notice the double negative! That's what I get for brushing things off as chatty ...and yes, I pummel intentional fallacy...*it means what I say, right! *disclaimer; not one to wallow in self-importance, the above was a joke (as you all don't know me too well, yet) |
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