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Critical Analysis #2
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synthetic
Member
since 2006-06-10
Posts 70
ontario, canada

0 posted 2006-06-16 12:15 PM


To be completely honest I saw you first, but somehow I picked you even sooner.
Without words nor touch; just a blank look into a full soul.
A blank crowd filled with so much faith inspired me to watch your movements.
Just as quickly my blank heart filled with your presence.
You've never left me since and I've never been empty, in fact never more full.
That night an emotion came over me, surely it was mere infatuation;
However, I think it was coated in fright.
I just wanted you to know that the look that I had showed,
Was based on feelings that have grown.
I flourished so much that night that I stepped into the future,
A future that encompassed everything I had ever dreamed of.
You were holding it in your hands.
A young man without much of a plan, but I knew I'd follow you
Seeing as you brought my goals to me.

In between moments we shared I yearned for your words,
I longed for your understanding in providing me with mystery.
Mystery that only caused me to have more faith, stronger hope.
I had witnessed a miracle, tasted from the cup of life.
You said I'd be your husband, I hoped you'd be my wife.
I'd reminisce about that night so vividly, I'd re-live it again.
I waited for when you'd ask to be more than just friends.
But I could wait for you as I intend on doing:
I'll prove to you that my knowing I love you is all I need,
I'll prove to you that until then I'll bleed a blood so pure what I feel can only be right.

I hear about your absences and urge myself to be at your side
Because I know your words say everything is alright --- but they're not.
If things got better between you and yourself could there be room for me?
Or would I remain your liaison to a notion of security until the end of our days?
Sharing an existence that isn't a life we have together, rather two lives that collided;
In a brisk moment, similar to that before death.
Where my life flashed before my eyes;
However, rather then a light at the end of a tunnel I woke up to heaven.
I woke up to you, a dream from a nightmare where reality isn't worth it.
Boundaries aren't a reality to me, still distance realizes it can keep me from you,
Not forever, but for long --- not long enough, because I'll never leave you.

Could you let me love you, despite my flaws and our problems?
Could I not be on the outside as I fear I've gotten to be?
Life truly has led us in different directions onto diverging paths,
But boundaries aren't a reality to me and I can make it over your wall
Just as long as you make room for me on your path so I don't fall.
I've taken my time and waited for this moment.
I've taken my time to put these words down.
I just want you to know that I'm thinking in your direction and I won't turn around,
I love you.


© Copyright 2006 luc - All Rights Reserved
The Shadow in Blue
Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 493
EL, Michigan
1 posted 2006-06-16 05:16 PM


Wow!!  I give you a thumbs up for the detail and message you sent out through your words. I myself can't find that much wrong with it.


^_^
Jill


Skippyrick
Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150
Rohnert Park
2 posted 2006-06-17 01:51 PM


Hi:

I think you have just way to many wrods.  Why not make this a short story.  Or work on a way to make it feel more poetic.  seems like prose to me.

Rick

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
3 posted 2006-06-17 10:33 PM


Reads like prose. No real attempt at poetic content. Way too many words and probably even too many concepts covered. No metaphor or simile. A poem needs to show, not tell.

calxaed
Junior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 21
North Lincolnshire, UK
4 posted 2006-06-18 06:09 AM


I agree with the above, this reads very much like prose. Ezra Pound said 'Don't think any intelligent person is going to be deceived when you try to shirk all the difficulties of the unspeakably difficult art of good prose by chopping your composition into line lengths.'
There's nothing at all wrong with what you're trying to say, but poetry is to a large degree about how you say it. I'm wary of assuming that an essentially fictional medium is personal to the writer(intentional falacy and all that) but this seems like a love letter.

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