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Critical Analysis #2
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longte
Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199
Australia

0 posted 2006-05-08 05:47 AM


MY PRINCE

Is it now our time to die,
my prince
and do you wonder why
For we who were the lords of all
have crumbled, thus in crumbling fall
into the clutches of cold death
to fight
yet still dead none the less

Battlements are silent now
but in their silence, still somehow
endings reach with sharpened claws
broken promises yield gore

Peasants will soon rule our land
nobility can’t understand
why craven creatures such as them
intrude upon a world of men

So the silence of the grave
waits for we who were so brave
as children when we went to fight
believing what we did was right

Now as greybeards fading fast
ghouls have gathered; dark repasts
of blood and feasting, wait for them
rejoicing far beyond our ken

For we fought for our beliefs
now we fall as autumn leaves
Desiccated in the wind
It’s as though we sometime sinned
against the one who put us here
to fight and die and show no fear

So up my prince; grasp your sword
we go to die; but hear my words
What we did was right for us
don’t think our ending too unjust
for we lived by sharpened blade
Forever will the stories laid
in blood be there reminding all
In blood we lived, in blood we fall
...
..
.
Why now hesitate my prince
we were heroes once and since
as heroes we would welcome death
can we now do none the less
than fight the fight and surely die
The ravens cawing in the sky
harbingers of blood and gore
are not the swans we once saw
gliding on the moat so clean
That bloody swamp is now a dream

A nightmare fantasy that burns
acidic as we face the turns
of the wheel we thought was life
so callous with its endless strife
Enforced upon our lives with glee
Twas no peace for you nor me

In fact our lives
in many ways
were just precursors for this day

Come old friend
Come welcome this
The mystery of deaths sweet kiss
..
.
..

New style/direction I am playing with
I feel I got most of it to flow fairly well
The placing of pauses and ability to force stress points etc is so far beyond me
Any guidance greatly appreciated

There are a series of dots before the last couple of verses
Not sure if I should have finished it there??
..
.

Live It

© Copyright 2006 P.Nicholson - All Rights Reserved
kadafi09
Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 143
California, United States
1 posted 2006-05-20 01:18 PM


sorry I'm not very qualified to offer any substantive criticism of your poem, but just to offer some praise, I think the poem delivered its intended theme effectively and it flows really well. good work in my opinion

the sun setting over turlock,
where we hustle for change/
the converted remain/
loyal to the drug dealers

longte
Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199
Australia
2 posted 2006-05-20 07:14 PM


Thanks for the reply

Its hard to get feedback here sometimes even in this section
Would be great for someone to rip it to pieces and explain why
Thats the best way for me to continue learning

Have FUN
Peter

Live It

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