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Critical Analysis #2
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Farkas
Junior Member
since 2006-05-03
Posts 20


0 posted 2006-05-03 10:59 PM


Arlington

Walk among the gardens of stone  
Evenly spaced white rows as far as the eye can see
Watch the changing of the guard at the tomb of the unknown
Honoring the nameless heroes memory  

See the small flags flutter here and there
Faded by years of rain and sun
Hear a somber gathering murmur a solemn prayer
For a fallen hero whose journey's done

Walk softly by an old woman
Bent and scarred by the unforgiving years
As she pauses to remember what might have been
Her sad eyes filled with unrequited tears

And when you leave these hallowed acres    
Where the stone flowers grow
Remember the fallen peace makers
Who’s sacrifice bought us our tomorrow

[This message has been edited by Farkas (05-04-2006 05:02 PM).]

© Copyright 2006 Farkas - All Rights Reserved
Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
1 posted 2006-05-03 11:41 PM


"Bent and scared by the unforgiving years"
I'm assuming you meant scarred, as opposed to scared.
Today isn't a day where I can offer much more of a comment than this, having just received word a while ago of the death of a friend.
But I can say, your words do pack an emotional punch.
Welcome to Passions.

Farkas
Junior Member
since 2006-05-03
Posts 20

2 posted 2006-05-03 11:50 PM


Hi

Sorry to hear such sad news. Please except my heartfelt condolences.  I am grammatically/spelling challenged as English is not my native language. I will make the corrections. Thank you for your quick response.

Farkas


Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
3 posted 2006-05-04 12:02 PM


You convey your thoughts quite well, especially if English isn't your native language.
I look forward to reading more from your pen.
And thank you, for your words of condolence.

Farkas
Junior Member
since 2006-05-03
Posts 20

4 posted 2006-05-04 12:21 PM


Hi

Thank you for your welcome and your interest. I posted two poems tonight on the “37” forum that you might find suitable for consumption.

Farkas

hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
5 posted 2006-05-04 12:10 PM


'Watch the changing of the guard at the tomb of the unknown'

This line in particular struck me as overly long- you might consider omitting some of the "the's"

'Watch the changing of guard at the tomb unknown'

Also, you have a line wit and 'old women'- women should be woman.

Hope this helped a little bit.

Farkas
Junior Member
since 2006-05-03
Posts 20

6 posted 2006-05-04 10:43 PM


Hi

Thank you for your suggestions

Farkas

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