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jfharbis1
New Member
since 2006-04-24
Posts 1


0 posted 2006-04-24 11:17 PM


I'm new to writing, please dont be to rough =]

Embracing the dish overflowing
Anticipating the endless hunger
Speechless, welcoming the world again
At the last gaze before slumber

The last rain to fall
Was many years ago
The lands so dry
Nothings able to grow

With no rain to fall
Prolonging the endless drought.
I start it off with a single tear
The planted seed will soon sprout.

With the sky so amber
So calm and so pure
It’s anything and everything
Which develops into the cure

But for now it’s fragile
Just waiting to go
The sky is so new
It’s shown how to glow

As the world turns
And the wind starts to blow
The hunger sets in
And I’m told to go

To go back to life
Where the dish is no more
To haze world commitments
Preparing for the hunger that’s in store

On a throne, frail from hunger
Countless ages roll away
Distant sweet smells aren’t enough
The hunger will always stay

The hunger is so taking
But I wont have it any other way
Without the hunger all would fail
I embrace it without dismay

The ages roll away
Oh is it ever so sweet
The dish soon overflowing
Knowing all will be complete



© Copyright 2006 jfharbis1 - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2006-04-26 11:02 AM


Not too bad for a new writer. I do have just a couple of suggestions.

Usually rhyming poetry works better with a more consistent meter. It can be difficult to rhyme without it and the tighter the rhyme scheme, to more consistent the meter should be. I don't know that there is any such rule but that's just the way we expect it.

Then you have made one of the more common mistakes, forced rhyme. That is when it is obvious to the reader that a line really didn't belong but was just put there to make the rhyme. For just one exapmle,

"With the sky so amber
So calm and so pure
It’s anything and everything
Which develops into the cure"

and there are others that I'll leave you to find for yourself.

Be wary of rhymes that don't quite make it. Here you have hunger/slumber. They do not make a rhyme. These really aren't bad though. I just point out that they don't rhyme so you will know that.

Actually the above near rhyme works pretty well for me as they probably are rather difficult words to rhyme without the much worse forced version. That brings out another problem with this poem. May of your rhymes are trivial or just too easy, such as ago/grow, go/glow, blow/go. Sometimes these are unavoidable but always should be minimized. Compare them to drought/sprout, sweet/complete. Then you have others falling between, pure/cure, more/store, away/stay and way/dismay. These are not inspirational but they are not distracting either. Every line can't be an absolute winner. Overall, I'd say your balance here is not too bad but I would work on the trivial ones at least a little.

Finally, shorter works are probably better suited to one "new to writing." I wuld suggest working within the "standard practices" for a while would be helpful. Wait until you are comfortable with that then branch out to whatever you feel up to.

Hope this helps,
Pete

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
2 posted 2007-01-07 06:06 PM


Hmmm, another one note wonder. Pete's points are well taken. For me, I would drop the rhyme altogether, sit down on a Sunday afternoon, preferable outside, and just write whatever comes into your head for awhile. That is, the advice that Connery gives in Finding Forrester.

I think it needs more visuals of the drought.

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