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warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

0 posted 2006-04-06 01:32 PM

pink-lipped words
between sips of lukewarm lattes
suck dry the strains
oozing from the ceiling.

belatedly appearing,
she sits soundless,
an asymetric stone
loosed from it's setting,
flush, reflective,
tinged of flight.

asylum within retrospection
tempers time,
jagged shafts of gossip,
the edge from tittering.

                   the gate,
                   she'd left it open for just
                   a moment,
                   discerning, perceptive,
                   he'd passed through,
                   tightened hinges,
                   dove-tailed fundamentals.
                   she'd begun to dance
                   under half-light in the garden.

curtained eyes,
a slip of a smile,
slaps of inquiry pull her back,
her belly churns.

she rises up,
liberal words driven from bare lips
propel her to the entrance.

made-up eyes widen,
pink O's emit sounds of shock,
then murmurs begin,
the circle closes in.

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

playing.with.crayons
Member

since 2006-01-02

Posts 362
Neverland

1 posted 2006-04-15 11:25 PM

"curtained eyes,
a slip of a smile,
slaps of inquiry pull her back,
her belly churns."

I have not the heart nor the knowledge to critique this. All I can say is it is much enjoyed. A brilliant write.

farewell the ash-tray girl

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2006-04-26 10:15 AM

Hi Kris,

You know I'm not much at FV but here's a short try. Some of the metaphor just went over my head but some I found really pleasing. For example,

"pink-lipped words
between sips of lukewarm lattes
suck dry the strains
oozing from the ceiling."

The first 2 lines were great but the next 2 just don't seem to fit or I don't get it. Then,

"belatedly appearing,
she sits soundless,
an asymetric stone
loosed from it's setting,
flush, reflective,
tinged of flight."

Why asymetric? And a stone "tinged of flight" again feels wrong regardless of the flavor of flight you intended. But again, the first 2 lines pulled me in.

Ok, that's the best I can manage.

Pete

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

3 posted 2006-04-26 11:06 AM

Playing.With.Crayons,

I thank you much for your too kind words...

Pete,

I thank you for reading and for your comments. As to your questions...a stone (or gem) would typically be symetrical. It was my way of saying she was not "typical" or "common".

Perhaps you are right about "tinged of flight", but it seems perfectly alright to me. In fact, it is one of my favorite lines in the poem. I would like to know what others think of it.

Thanks again,

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Les Gartner
Junior Member

since 2006-04-10

Posts 37
MD

4 posted 2006-05-07 08:26 PM

Very well done in parts. I like the sibillant sounds as in:

she sits soundless,
an asymetric stone
loosed from it's setting,

as well as the plethora of l's as in:

a slip of a smile,
slaps of inquiry pull her back,
her belly churns.

And the end captivated me:

then murmurs begin,
the circle closes in.

Reminds me of:

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michaelangelo

A very satisfying poem. Thank you for sharing it.

Les

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

5 posted 2006-05-16 11:20 PM

I thank you, Les, for your kind words. I must say I have never had a poem of mine referred to as "satisfying", but I take it as a very high compliment.

Thanks again,

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

YeshuJah
Member

since 2002-08-20

Posts 65
FL USA

6 posted 2006-05-26 04:39 PM

Ok, here's what I get:

A bunch of people are sitting around jabbering
in a cafe and killing the music wafting from the ceiling -
she walks in, sits, stays to herself-
from this line: "asylum within retrospection
tempers time" I gather that she's waiting for someone-
the 'he' that passes through the gate - or, he just happenns to
come in as she sits..
Either way she engages him momentarily, but withdraws when he
prys?
She leaves - much to the suprise of the jabbering crowd
("made up eyes widen pink O's emit).

If this is it - my opinion is that this gets
plopped onto too many stools (attempts to paint us this picture with too many brush strokes),
so it appears to be jumping around. I'm fighting hard to think
how this could be reinvented and still keep what you started out with.

Except for 'belatedly appearing' the remainder of the second verse is where this
poem lives. I'd start there and work my way out and around - leave it obvious; the obvious can be rendered beautifully too.

YeshuJah*)

[This message has been edited by YeshuJah (05-26-2006 08:45 PM).]

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

7 posted 2006-05-26 09:53 PM

YeshuJah,

Thanks for reading and for commenting. I always take constructive criticism seriously, and yours was just that.

You've got the poem down until you got to "retrospection", which is a contemplation of things in the past. The stanza on the right was in the past...the inquiries were from the other women in response to the "curtained eyes, slip of a smile", and the girl doesn't wish to discuss it..."her belly churns", so she stands and leaves after giving them a piece of her mind..."liberal words". Perhaps this poem was just too confusing for others to digest...though, of course it was perfectly clear to me...lol. I will work on a revision.

Thanks again,
Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

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