Something I wrote (finally!)

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Critical Analysis #2

Something I wrote (finally!)

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

0 posted 2006-04-04 01:55 AM

my albatross grows heavy
years of weight
slow to fall away
sheath by sheath
reluctantly balding

land is sighted but the bird remains
a fixture so common
the crew is blind

in the galley i slip it into some Duck Soup
and emerge all smiles
to step off the ship

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

1 posted 2006-04-04 04:14 AM

I know I don't normally show up here, but for you?

I loved your ending, too. The Duck Soup reference was rather sprightly, but quite honestly your opening line put me off a bit:

"The albatross was heavy"

that kinda seemed like overkill, um, we KNOW an albatross as metaphor is a heavy load, right?

an albatross is generally considered a weight, right? And then your second line emphasizes weight--a touch of redundancy (and yep, I'm guilty of that myself) but I think you would have done better describing the attempt to fly with such a hindrance, relocating your subject/focus to the personal, which is where you end up afterall.

The second verse, I would have liked to see dig a little deeper descriptively, rather than referring to the albatross as "the bird"--I mean, you have a chance here to cast some light on the source of burden and yet, you chose to define albatross again.

(I liked the part about the crew being blind--though.)

and the last stanza is just fine, sterling even, but I think the first two stanzas could offer a little less definition and a little more play. So it fits, yes?

I just enjoy reading you hush.

I'm a fan.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2006-04-04 11:03 AM

Well, you have a pretty good critique already. I don't think I can improve on that.

It's sure good to see you back again though

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

3 posted 2006-04-04 02:37 PM

Thanks, guys- Karen, I will definitely consider your suggestions.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

4 posted 2006-04-06 01:16 PM

Hi,

I really enjoyed the read, and interpreted it a bit differently.
An albatross can be something you feel burdened or saddled with, not necessarily a "weight". With that in mind, I felt it was a poem of discovery.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

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