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Critical Analysis #2
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Undaunted
Junior Member
since 2006-03-31
Posts 10
Ohio, USA

0 posted 2006-04-03 02:49 PM


What We Become

The skin around her eyes, swells
like the atmosphere; purple and pregnant with rain.
Her lids now damp, half drawn shades.
His eyes are vacant, distant dying stars;
Nobody's won this fight.
On a corner table in a glass tray,
two cigarettes have burnt down to ash.
Long forgotten.


Somewhere in the universe, in a galaxy, two lives
fall apart, shedding themselves, layer by layer, wasting away
to dust, the dust of all they once were.
She sits in the yard in her terrycloth robe
as the moon falls to rest at her feet.
Inhaling and exhaling, dove soap and vanilla musk,
hair wavering silver streaks.
A summer evening and a tree branches out into
a turquoise sky, serenaded by the solo of a bird.
The sun has departed and so has he.  


Somewhere in the universe, she no longer cares.  
They're the parting clouds among endless skies.
Instead she commits to inertia, like an hourglass,
waiting for the day she’ll spill to the ground,  
hoping she’ll take to the heavens again.
From her diary she tears out old entries of love,
leaving behind the ghosts of words.
He’s out looking for youth, looking for life and she knows,
that if we live too much we’ll sooner explode.  

And the particles of stars, they can be anything at all.
Only we don’t get to choose.


© Copyright 2006 Lynne Cordero - All Rights Reserved
ErikaStaples
Junior Member
since 2005-12-19
Posts 24
SC
1 posted 2006-04-03 08:43 PM


The skin around her eyes, swells

For some reason this really stood out to me... It'd sound better if you took out the comma and put swell.  (just a thought.)

I noticed a lot of similar writing at first, then realize after a few lines that I've read this before.  Do you post on other forums as well?

I love this piece, and enjoyed reading it very much.

-Erika

Hope can die in an instant
but forever dreams carry on.
www.ErikaStaples.com

Undaunted
Junior Member
since 2006-03-31
Posts 10
Ohio, USA
2 posted 2006-04-03 08:52 PM


I DO remember you, and you gave me excellent feedback too.  Wow, my screen name is twilight030 in the other forum.  

Currently I have this poem in 3 workshops, one of which is pretty much dead.  I hope that isn't breaking any rules, it's just that this particular poem means a lot to me, and so I wanted to workshop it as much as possible.  Thanks again for the wonderful comments.

hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
3 posted 2006-04-04 01:32 AM


I really enjoyed the imagery in this poem, especially-

'hair wavering silver streaks.
A summer evening and a tree branches out into
a turquoise sky, serenaded by the solo of a bird.
The sun has departed and so has he.'

My biggest problem is that your punctuation seems jolting in certain places.

'The skin around her eyes, swells'

I would nix the comma- there really isn't any reason for it. I personally feel that if you want to create a pause, a line break might be more effective... but I don't think it's necessary. And anyway, the first line should grab the read, and to me, the hesitation caused by the comma is both distracting, and weakens the line overall.

'like the atmosphere; purple and pregnant with rain.'

I know we can sometimes bend grammatical rules in poetry. A semicolon is usually (as far as I know) used to connect to seperate but closely related sentences or thoughts. Here is where I think a comma would be appropriate, if you feel you need to pause.

'Her lids now damp, half drawn shades.
His eyes are vacant, distant dying stars;'

Okay, this is my completely subjective opinion, but it seems to me that if you switched 'are' and 'now' in these two lines, it would read more smoothly and strengthen the overall point.

(BTW, I like this semicolon better )

'two cigarettes have burnt down to ash.
Long forgotten.'

General question- maybe someone can chime in? Isn't burnt used more as a description (like the color 'burnt' sienna in a Crayola box) while 'burned' would be a past tense, more of a verb? It seems better to me in this context, but that could just be me.

I also wouldn't put 'Long forgotten' as a seperate sentence, it seems very abrupt. I understand that may be the point, but since this poem seems to have a flow that seems in tune with standard grammatical sentence structure, it seems to me a comma might work better?

'Somewhere in the universe, in a galaxy, two lives
fall apart, shedding themselves, layer by layer, wasting away
to dust, the dust of all they once were.'

I personally think these lines could be pared down just a little. I would drop 'in a galaxy' and the repetition of 'dust.'

'She sits in the yard in her terrycloth robe
as the moon falls to rest at her feet.
Inhaling and exhaling, dove soap and vanilla musk,
hair wavering silver streaks.'

Really cool imagery- I can feel the terrycloth and see the moon. My only suggestion here would be to maybe combine the two sentences to enhance the flow? Your imagery here is so soft, almost romantic (which provides an interesting contrast considering the topic at hand) that I just think sentence fragments like the second sentence here kind of jar me out of the scene.

'A summer evening and a tree branches out'

Just an interesting aside, I found myself wondering if both the summer evening and the tree were branching out, of if the tree branching out was in addendum to the comment that it is summer. Not saying I have a problem with the question this phrasing posed... it just made me wonder.

'Instead she commits to inertia, like an hourglass,
waiting for the day she’ll spill to the ground,'

Really cool. I can see the emotional breakdown happening. Great simile.

'He’s out looking for youth, looking for life and she knows,
that if we live too much we’ll sooner explode.'

I would get rid of the comma after 'knows'.

'And the particles of stars, they can be anything at all.
Only we don’t get to choose.'

Maybe... maybe this would be a good time for a semicolon? As in:

'And the particles of stars, they can be anything at all;
we don’t get to choose.'

Sorry, I hope I didn't step on your toes there- I get touchy about people re-writing my stuff. I just think the 'only' sounds kind of clunky, and somehow the short end sentence doesn't fit the rest of the poem.

I liked this a lot, so don't think I was trying to tell you it sucked. If I though that, I wouldn't have just spent so much time replying to it. Hope this helped.

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

4 posted 2006-04-04 11:24 AM


Hi,

I see you have already got a thorough critique from a good poet, so I will just say that with the tweeks suggested, this could be an excellent poem. I only have one other suggestion: the title might be changed to "What We've Become", which is grammatically correct, or "What We Have Become".
I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and knew it had much potential. Keep writing.

Kris



"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

ErikaStaples
Junior Member
since 2005-12-19
Posts 24
SC
5 posted 2006-04-04 02:04 PM


HAHA, one that is pretty much dead... Is the Poetry In The Park?  I went there too, and it is very dead!

No, I don't think you are breaking rules.  If you are, I am too!!  I post at different sites as well.

Hope can die in an instant
but forever dreams carry on.
www.ErikaStaples.com

Essorant
Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
6 posted 2006-04-04 05:43 PM


I liked this.
But it almost seemed like the poem couldn't make up its mind whether to use clouds or dust as the metaphor of the people involved.  The reference and suggestion with cigarettes, ashes, and dust, I thought confused and hindered the initial and later way of treating the mysterious "her" and "him" figuratively as heavenly bodies in the sky.

I think you may do away with the last three lines in the first stanza, and the first three lines in the second stanza, and let the heavenly theme stand on its own.

I also have some other adjustments to recommend.  
Here is my whole suggestion.
  

What We Become

The skin around her eyes swells
like the atmosphere, pregnant with rain.
Her lids are damp and half-drawn shades.
His eyes are dying stars in the distance.
Nobody won this fight.

She sits in the yard in her terrycloth robe
as the moon falls to rest at her feet.
breathing dove soap and vanilla musk,
hair wavering silver streaks.
A summer evening and a tree branches out into
a turquoise sky, serenaded by the solo of a bird.
The sun departed and so did he.  

Somewhere in the universe, she no longer cares.  
They are the parting clouds among endless skies.
Instead she commits to inertia, like an hourglass,
waiting for the day she will spill to the ground,  
hoping she may take to the heavens again.
From her diary she tears out old entries of love,
leaving behind the ghosts of words.
He is out looking for youth, looking for life and she knows,
that if we live too much we will sooner explode.  

The particles of stars can be anything at all.
Only we don’t get to choose.



  
I hope that helps a bit.


cynicsRus
Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!
7 posted 2006-04-05 02:17 AM


There is some nice blending of metaphors and similes that helps create quite lustrous imagery throughout this entire piece. There is also an overall cadence which makes it even more appealing in my mind and gives it more a feeling of epic prose. Not saying it is, necessarily, but it has a very good rhythmic feel to it.

Any errant punctuation has pretty well been pointed out and I hesitate to add anything more to what others have suggested, but I will say a few things. Use or discard as you will:

S1L1; I would like to see you eliminate a filler word, (The) at the beginning of your piece. It’s just a personal pet peeve I suppose.
S1L2; Again, the line would stand well enough without, “the.”
S1L3&4; The juxtaposition of these two lines helps draw the relationship between this strong pair of otherwise unrelated similes. However, I’d eliminate “are,” after “His eyes…” It’s unnecessary, and would help your line relate better to the previous.

In the “Dictionary of Problem Words and Expressions,” either burned or burnt is proper for the past tense of burn.

S2L1; If you really want to use, “in a galaxy,” I think it would sound better at the beginning of the line, before, “Somewhere in the universe…”

S3L9; “that,” at the beginning of the line could be eliminated without loss of impact.

I like your title: It alludes to your subjects’ futures, while we are allowed to witness their present state.

I don’t know how long you’ve been working on this, but you’ve obviously put much thought and care to get it to this point. Overall, it’s a very well painted composition that needs very little more to get it to its completed stage. Whatever advice is offered, you alone must make the decisions on what to take and discard. For, it will ultimately be your heart it beats with—no one else’s.
Thanks for sharing.




If you must carp: Carpe diem!
ICSoria
My poetry forum.

Essorant
Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada
8 posted 2006-04-06 01:38 AM


"In the “Dictionary of Problem Words and Expressions,” either burned or burnt is proper for the past tense of burn."

Originally in words that took -d- to show past tense, the -d- only became -t- if the preceding letter was voiceless, as in kept, slept, thought, etc.  Words such as wend, send, bend, dwell, learn, and other similar verbs all throughout Old English and much of middle English had d.  But afterwards in many words where the -d- was preceded by nasals (n,m) or liquids (l,r) the d often became t, thus went, sent, dwelt, learnt, etc,.  but the d forms still show up beside these, both by tradition and imitating other verbs with -d.  

In Old English there was a transitive form bærnan "to burn" that took -d.  But the intranstive form biernan was a strong verb and changed its vowels to show past tense as in run/ran.  Thus it has past tense barn (in first and third singular) and past participle burnen.    

I guess it depends on how much weight you give to the roots of the language, or to the modern ways (often deviations) we adopted.  If you don't care you could use burned or burnt.  If you care to be more modern, burnt is probably the better.  If you care to follow in the original ways of the language though, you may use burned (transitively) and burnen (intransitively).  

Just some thoughts.



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