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ErikaStaples
Junior Member
since 2005-12-19
Posts 24
SC

0 posted 2006-04-03 12:30 PM



Incinerating Promises

Breathlessly I shudder
beneath the sensation where our spirits meet.
Your thoughts echo through my mind
which is encircled by your soul’s passion.

A finger traces the lines of my heart
performing a melody of serenity.
Each string savors the gentle pull
and hides the desire to engage a different tune.

The impact of our united souls
incinerates each promise to die alone.
Delivering persuasion of everlasting hope,
and surrendering to eternal love with you.

Hope can die in an instant
but forever dreams carry on.
www.ErikaStaples.com

© Copyright 2006 Erika Staples - All Rights Reserved
Undaunted
Junior Member
since 2006-03-31
Posts 10
Ohio, USA
1 posted 2006-04-03 02:00 PM


Hi Erika Staples,

I'm new here and fairly new to writing.  I am attempting a critique of your poem, which I did enjoy.  I hope it is helpful.


Incinerating Promises

Breathlessly I shudder
beneath the sensation where our spirits meet.-(I get the drift of what you're saying here and it is pleasant to read, although a bit too abstract to really present an image.)
Your thoughts echo through my mind
which is encircled by your soul’s passion.-(I gathered from this that that the narrator and their subject connect on a spiritual level, almost telepathic.)

A finger traces the lines of my heart
performing a melody of serenity.-(This is beautiful, but again abstract.  I'm chalking this up to be a metaphor of subject flowing through the narrator on a spiritual level.)
Each string savors the gentle pull
and hides the desire to engage a different tune.-(You went from finger to strings, which threw me off.  Also "hides the desire to engage a different tune." suddenly changes the mood of the poem, whereas in the beginning narrator and subject were connecting and now it is subtly implied that they're not, unless however this desire is of a sensual nature.)

The impact of our united souls
incinerates each promise to die alone.-(I didn't quite understand this, I might be missing something, but what are the promises and why die alone when they are connected?)
Delivering persuasion of everlasting hope,
and surrendering to eternal love with you.-(Surrendering is nice but implies that narrator is forced somewhat, however it works as a fresh and breezy ending.)

Overall I really do like this.  The word choices are fitting for this poem, simple but effective on a spiritual level.  It is however a bit abstract in creating an image in the reader's mind, although it does get its message across.  "Breathlessly" is an excellent start to the poem, I would stick with that.  Thank you for the read.

"Who looks outside dreams, who looks inside awakens." - C.G. Jung

ErikaStaples
Junior Member
since 2005-12-19
Posts 24
SC
2 posted 2006-04-03 02:42 PM


I appreciate the time you took to critique this.  Thank you.  let me answer a few of the questions you had.


Each string savors the gentle pull
and hides the desire to engage a different tune.-(You went from finger to strings, which threw me off.  Also "hides the desire to engage a different tune." suddenly changes the mood of the poem, whereas in the beginning narrator and subject were connecting and now it is subtly implied that they're not, unless however this desire is of a sensual nature.)

The fingers trace LINES of the heart, as in strings.  Wanting to engage a different tune, meaning letting herself give into the desire... explains more in the next stanza....

The impact of our united souls
incinerates each promise to die alone.-(I didn't quite understand this, I might be missing something, but what are the promises and why die alone when they are connected?)

This is more on a personal level.  Not wanting to fall in love, but in this obviously the person is falling in love, and must incinerate the promise to die alone....

Delivering persuasion of everlasting hope,
and surrendering to eternal love with you.-(Surrendering is nice but implies that narrator is forced somewhat, however it works as a fresh and breezy ending.)  

Yes, she is forced by love to surrender herself, love and trust to this person (again giving up the promise to herself to die alone.)

I hope I answered some of your questions, helping you to understand and enjoy the poem more.

It is harder to explain the meaning behind the poem, than it is to write it.  HAHA, but I tired.

Hope can die in an instant
but forever dreams carry on.
www.ErikaStaples.com

Undaunted
Junior Member
since 2006-03-31
Posts 10
Ohio, USA
3 posted 2006-04-03 02:53 PM


Thank you for clarifying what I had missed.  The poem is definately more understandable now.  
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