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Critical Analysis #2
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me and you are we...
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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me and you are we... |
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curiouse Member
since 2006-03-21
Posts 277england |
i turn , I look out into the worlds I see fields of laughter and greenery. I smell everlasting bounds of flower and beauty The sun becomes the moon and I see man and woman I see life, I see eternity and I see life after death, I see happiness And I see sorrow I see death, And I see birth I can hear the children playing, I can hear the woman screaming, I can hear the men groaning, And I can hear life take its course. I can feel the different textures Of material and spiritual objects I can feel people dying, I can feel them being born, I can feel the world growing. I can smell sweet perfumed scents, And I can smell nature I see me and you I hear me and you I feel me and you I smell me and you We are...Me and you Forever... We are. Lovers never to depart... Never to depart Curioustity is a fine gift... [This message has been edited by curiouse (04-03-2006 08:12 AM).] |
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Undaunted Junior Member
since 2006-03-31
Posts 10Ohio, USA |
Hi Curiouse, New and would like to critique you poem. WIll do the best I can and hope it helps.  i turn ,(There should be a capital "I" here since you used capitals throughout the rest of the poem.) I look out into the worlds (The enjambment here is off. I see no need for another"I" Why not instead:"I turn, look out into the worlds.) I see fields of laughter and greenery.(Again, too many "I's". It makes the poem almost sound like a list of what you saw on a walk. Laughter and greenery is nice.) I smell everlasting bounds of flower and beauty (Very nice imagery for the senses here, nice choice of words and syntax.) The sun becomes the moon and I see man and woman (I really like the clever way you described day slipping into night here.) I see life, I see eternity and I see life after death, I see happiness And I see sorrow I see death, And I see birth( there's a lot of repeating in this part. That you saw death was already implied in the third sentence and the second mentioning takes away from the effect.) I can hear the children playing, I can hear the woman screaming, I can hear the men groaning, And I can hear life take its course.(The mood takes on a different course here and in a sudden way, with the children playing and then suddenly a woman screaming and men groaning. WHen at first you were describing the mystery and beauty of life, here you switch to pain and agony in a way with your choice of words.) I can feel the different textures Of material and spiritual objects I can feel people dying, I can feel them being born, I can feel the world growing.( I see your trying to give off a feeling of connectedness and one with the world here, but there's something missing. Textures of material and spiritual objects is vague in a sense. What is their meaning. What materials? And what objects? I think a little more specifics here would work.) I can smell sweet perfumed scents, And I can smell nature(I think this line gives you a great advantage for more word play. Perhaps tying the perfume smell with the flowers and nature?) I see me and you I hear me and you I feel me and you I smell me and you(Ah, now it comes down to two people. I can pick up on the romance you were building upon along the way, although this part, for the shortness of the lines is too repetitive.) We are...Me and you Forever... We are. Lovers never to depart... Never to depart( the repeating of depart doesn't work for me here. Also, you don't need the elipses, use commas instead. Elipses are used to indicate that a sentence is either incomplete or trails off. They should never really be needed in a poem, unless maybe in its title.) Overall I think this could be great with some more imagery and without the repetion of "I". You have a nice idea, keep on working with it and good luck. |
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