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Fuel for the death of mankind
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Fuel for the death of mankind |
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talesien Junior Member
since 2006-03-13
Posts 10Ohio, USA |
Sand-stung soul windows Caked in Ishmael’s sentence Glare no further than thirty inches Before focus is lost. Trigger callused fingers Brush indiscriminately, remorselessly, Steel, powder, government paper While desecrating mankind. Marionettes twist and jerk Under twined crosses Piously joyful Oblivious to the puppeteer Fleeting time mates Progress and sloth All the while rage Drives the bloody machine |
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| © Copyright 2006 talesien - All Rights Reserved | |||
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playing.with.crayons Member
since 2006-01-02
Posts 362Neverland |
A very interesting write, many layers here. My only problem is, as far as engaging the audience, its coming up dry on personality. Of course, if you're simply making a point you've done it effectively enough. But if you're looking for more than that, then I'm thinking you should try making it more personal. I really do like the line "trigger callused fingers" Very effective. Cheye |
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talesien Junior Member
since 2006-03-13
Posts 10Ohio, USA |
Thanks for the comments. This is a political work, addressing governments and religion, so I kind of intentionally made it impersonal, like so many governments and religions. I'm glad you enjoyed some of the lines. 'Trigger callused fingers' is one of my favorites as well. Gary |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
This is probably related to Cheye's personal reference but. It does make several distinct but related statements but in the end it just seems to go nowhere. The beginning, in fact the entirety, led me to expect something. Maybe that's just my overly simplistic expectation but it's the impression I got. |
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talesien Junior Member
since 2006-03-13
Posts 10Ohio, USA |
Thank you also for your comments. I guess I would ask how you feel the poem doesn't go anywhere? Each stanza relates to some aspect of war, either internationally, or within our own borders. Stanza 1 is a rather obvious reference to war in the middle east. (Ishmael's sentence, 30 inches being the length of a standard issue army rifle) Stanza two is a thinly vieled look at the gang culture of violence driven by money, drugs and guns. Stanza three is a caricature of how governments and religions pull the strings and we all, take it, joyfully oblivious to what is really happening. Stanza four ties it all together, amking the statement that Progress has led to sloth, with in turn has fueled an inner rage within societies worldwide, which "drives the bloody machine" of war onward. Hope that helps with the understanding of the poem. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
You pretty much helped clarify Pete’s critique in your reply. For, anytime one takes more words to explain their poem than the sum total of the poem itself, it’s a pretty good indication that poem has failed. Perhaps not completely--but failed nonetheless. Sid If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
A little strong on the political commentary... it seems this could use a deeper examination of, for example, the soldier's mindset... sure, the 'glee' of killing is one aspect, but to imply that soldiers are brainwashed or controlled into gleefully killing is an oversimplification of the issue. Ever seen Jarhead? As an aside, I think that the imagery in the first stanza is the strongest (aside of the soul windows bit... ach! I think yu would do better to just say 'eyes'). Maybe revising the rest to follow the (mostly) subtle vein set up in the first part would lead to a more descriptive and in-depth look at this topic. Hope this helped. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi, When I read poetry, I usually depend on the imagery created by the words to give me the feeling of the poem. I disagree with Sid, in that the imagery created by this work conveys the meaning very well. I think it could use a bit of softening of the imagery, if anything. It is very stark and harsh, but if that is how you meant for it to be, then you did succeed. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I had made no mention of imagery, in this particular piece, but OK, I’ll offer an opinion: Each metaphor/simile tried too hard and was more nebulous than it needed to be. Were it not true, any explanation of the stanza’s meaning would have been unnecessary. A more confident author would have been content to allow a piece to stand on its own and its readers to interpret as they see fit. If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I don't find any virtue in this poem. After all the negativeness, one would like to find a focus or perspective, or even a light at the end of the tunnel. Instead all we have is abrupt wording, negativeness and confusion. Trying to deal with as many negative things as are tried here I think is unwise and overbearing to most readers. It needs better focus and overall perspective to tie into, instead of shards of negativeness that don't go anywhere for the reader. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
An effective poem does not have to tell a story, or have a happy ending to have purpose. The purpose of the poem may be to paint a picture or evoke an image, whether it be a "negative" or uplifting image, recreating an emotion, etc. Almost all poets have written what one may call "negative" poems. I have noticed in this forum that those type of poems are either ignored, or get a reaction such as been demonstrated here. I think this only goes to prove that this poem was effective in provoking emotions. "It is wisdom to know others; |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Any artist with a modicum of experience in liquid medium knows that a careless mixture of colors can cause a muddy appearance in the final piece—and it helps to have a basic knowledge of light theory to know how one color plays on another. One must also use the “negative” (space) effectively in balancing the final composition. The same analogy can be applied to writing poetry. In balancing the color of one visual tool with that of another, the author must ask: Is this particular metaphor effective? How does it balance with that simile? Does the overall imagery lend balance to the final piece? quote: Actually, this proves nothing. There have been many poems here—some worse, some better—which provoked much stronger and more varied debate. It’s simply one opinion, pitted against another. Sometimes it’s just a clash of egos. Those who weigh in always feel they have something of substance to offer. Not everyone presents their case effectively. Sid If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
All I will say is that I have been painting in the "liquid medium"s of acrylics and oils since junior high school, and there again, colors can reflect the painter's emotions, whether dark or light, just as the poet paints with words, dark or light. Of course, in either medium, there can be a mixture of both, though both are not required if the emotion the artist wishes to express is one of a negatory or angry nature. "It is wisdom to know others; |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
How ever long you’ve painted in whatever medium, doesn’t change the fact that you must still guard against over-use and over-mixing of certain colors on your canvas, so that they continue to reflect light in a way most pleasing to the eye. And you must still balance the overall composition. My point stands. If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I won't take either side in this discussion as you guys are already covering it quite well. But, if one's interest is just in "making a statement" then, by all means, write or paint whatever you want in whatever style you want. If, however, there is some desire to interest or influence others then it is necessary to write or paint something of interest. The value of any art is in the eye of the beholder. Pete If she weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
"The value of any art is in the eye of the beholder. " Actually the value of the eye is in the eye. The value of the art is in the art.  |
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BROTHER JOHN Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 386 |
Talesien, I have read your poem and the comments pro and con. In the end, poetry reads us and we respond accordingly. |
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DavidTheLion Junior Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 36 |
in my opinion, I feel it could have went on longer...A lot of times its like I get the feeling people try too hard to fit their poems in nice and tight...I think it could have been cool to play more with the length, and the sloppiness. |
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BROTHER JOHN Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 386 |
Talesien, I noted with interest some of the comments on your poem. I was struck by Essorant's statement: The value of the eye is in the eye and the value of the art is in the art. It is true that the value of the art is in the art. However, there are many who see and never see the value in the art. Only the enlighted eye sees the value in the art. Too, great art helps us see even beyond the art. An uninformed mind sees a picture and that is all. Great art judges us, yes. But only informed minds (eyes) know this. |
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J@red Junior Member
since 2006-04-28
Posts 12Alabama |
I value the ideas I observe in the poem more that the poem itself which I think could be problematic depending upon your motive. Superman isn't brave, he is invulnerable. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
'Only the enlighted eye sees the value in the art. Too, great art helps us see even beyond the art. An uninformed mind sees a picture and that is all. Great art judges us, yes. But only informed minds (eyes) know this.' How do you judge enlightened and informed? |
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