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Critical Analysis #2
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lostpoet25
New Member
since 2006-03-11
Posts 6
Illinois, USA

0 posted 2006-03-13 12:27 PM



Behind the lies and subtle deceit
Remains a truth yet to be seen
Among the evil and hateful things
Remains a joy only love brings
Forgotten realms of hidden lore
Locked and sealed within your core
A deep distrust of all things real
Nothing changes when you cease to feel
You must release your deepest fears
Empty your mind, allow your thoughts to clear
Only then will you truly find
A way to leave your preconceptions behind
Realizing inner peace, tranquility
You'll finally discover what all you know means.

Josh

© Copyright 2006 Josh Blight - All Rights Reserved
talesien
Junior Member
since 2006-03-13
Posts 10
Ohio, USA
1 posted 2006-03-13 01:36 AM


quote:

Behind the lies and subtle deceit
Remains a truth yet to be seen
Among the evil and hateful things
Remains a joy only love brings
Forgotten realms of hidden lore
Locked and sealed within your core
A deep distrust of all things real
Nothing changes when you cease to feel
You must release your deepest fears
Empty your mind, allow your thoughts to clear
Only then will you truly find
A way to leave your preconceptions behind
Realizing inner peace, tranquility
You'll finally discover what all you know means.


This seems like a collection of solid lines and couplets that aren't really related. It's almost like you are trying to say something important. I had a professor in college for a creative writing class who said once that great poetry is found, not forced. This feels forced. The ryhming seems somewhat forced, and you are asking the reader to intuitively understand how these lines go together without leading them to it. His other rule was "images over ideas". Here are a few suggestions that might help the flow of this poem, and push it's message a bit more into the realm of conciousness.

Behind the lies, subtle deciet
A truth remains, slumbering, unseen
Hate shorn thorns, scattered to maim
Can't take hold where joy holds sway

Notice how I replaced ideas with things, and personified what ideas were left by giving them intent. Feel free to use or abuse those suggestions, but maybe take a shot at a re-write with those techniques and see what you can come up with.

Gary

lostpoet25
New Member
since 2006-03-11
Posts 6
Illinois, USA
2 posted 2006-03-13 01:40 AM


thank you for the tips. I think I'll do what you suggested and give it a try. I appreciate it. I never actually had any assistance with my poetry, just picked up a pen and started writing.

Josh

stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
3 posted 2006-03-14 06:36 PM


I would have to agree with what talesien said.
There is great potential in some of the lines; they just need to be put together with something in the same category!

One of the lines, that really sticks out to me, which I did not like was,

“Empty your mind, allow your thoughts to clear
only then will you truly find
A way to leave your preconceptions behind”

Do not get me wrong, it has a nice rhythm to it, it just doesn’t make sense to me.


Although, I did like this particular part of the poem,

“Behind the lies and subtle deceit
remains a truth yet to be seen”

I feel like you could build something really good around these two lines.

Sorry, I seem to be just mimicking talesien in my critisizm.

Good luck though! I look forward to seeing a revision (?) if you plan to make one.

@-->---

lostpoet25
New Member
since 2006-03-11
Posts 6
Illinois, USA
4 posted 2006-03-14 06:41 PM


yes I definitely plan on posting my revised version. I am currently working on it and as soon as it is finished I will be posting it here.
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