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MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

0 posted 2006-03-05 02:25 AM

Scattered Pieces

My heart broke in pieces
and scattered all around,
I tried to catch the pieces
as they tumbled to the ground.

They fell here and there,
rolling everywhere.
Pieces gone forever,
like dust in the air.

Now I have a patched up heart
that's used and very worn,
with a lot of pieces missing,
all shattered, ripped and torn.

Free_Spirit07
Member

since 2006-01-29

Posts 222
The middle of my mind!

1 posted 2006-03-05 02:29 AM

Flip this is awesome as aye

oh im speachless! this is gnna be da first thing in my library...*thumbs up*

x0x0
Free_Spirit07
~%#*So far from perfect!*#%~
~%#*So far from life and living!*#%~

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

2 posted 2006-03-05 02:38 AM

Thanks so much Free! I'm so glad you liked it.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2006-03-05 11:15 AM

I know it is certral to the theme but I think the poem would be improved if pieces were not repeated so many times. That makes it seem like almost a one word poem. You should be able to find other expressions giving the same meaning without the repetition. That would also allow you to speak more metaphorically. As written it also borders on cliche, particularly the beginning part. Again, changing some of that wording word likely help.

Hope to see a revision soon. Well, that is, if you agree

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

4 posted 2006-03-05 11:24 AM

Not A Poet, thank you for your reply and your very helpful advice. I will work on the wording and see what changes I can make.

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

5 posted 2006-03-05 11:47 AM

I hurriedly made these changes. I have to leave for work soon so I had very little time to work on it. What do you think?

Scattered Pieces

My broken heart burst
and scattered all around,
I tried to catch the pieces
as they tumbled to the ground.

They fell here and there,
rolling everywhere.
Vanishing forever,
like dust in the air.

Now I have a patched up heart
that's used and very worn,
with a lot of pieces missing,
all shattered, ripped and torn

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

6 posted 2006-03-05 12:25 PM

Ms,

Your revision is, I believe, exactly what Pete had in mind as to your choice of words, and wording...

much better!

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

7 posted 2006-03-06 09:34 AM

Much better indeed.

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

8 posted 2006-03-06 11:16 AM

Thank you! I am glad you approve and I do much appreaciate your help. You were right about the wording and I like it much better this way myself. Thanks again.

BlueRhapsody
New Member

since 2006-02-13

Posts 4
Nevada, USA

9 posted 2006-03-08 03:04 AM

Wow, this poem really caught my tounge. I really admire this poem :P!
I just made an account here, and I'm shocked to see poems like these here...so awesome...

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

10 posted 2006-03-08 10:57 AM

Blue,
Thank you for the wonderful review. I'm glad you liked it. ( blushing)

Herumtreiber
New Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 8
California, USA

11 posted 2006-03-09 02:50 AM

It's a wonderful poem, the meaning is straightforward yet subtle, but it would help if you used another word than pieces to describe you broken heart, and the rhythm was straight in the third stanza.

talesien
Junior Member

since 2006-03-13

Posts 10
Ohio, USA

12 posted 2006-03-13 01:25 AM

This is my first post here on these boards, so I hope that I don't come off as a royal jerk

I think that the poem has a good basis, but as is, even after the revisions, the content doesn't border on cliche, but takes up residence there. If your goal in writing this poem was merely for it to have personal meaning, then take this advice an flush it down the toilet.

If, however, you want others to read this poem and be challenged by it, you have to get outside of the norm. We've all had broken hearts. Not to sound callous, but Boo-Hoo. WHY was your heart broken like this? Make me, as the reader, actually CARE.

Find words, or turns of phrases, that are capable of relaying the emotion in a new and fresh way.

Your revision showed improvement in language and wordsmithing. I would suggest that in the next revision, you find the "story" of this poem, and make it real. Make us care.

Gary

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

13 posted 2006-03-13 08:10 AM

Hello Gary. Thank you for your suggestions. They are most appreciated and I will certainly give them some thought. Welcome and hope you enjoy the forums.

talesien
Junior Member

since 2006-03-13

Posts 10
Ohio, USA

14 posted 2006-03-20 11:26 PM

I'm very glad to be here, and I definitely appreciate you not taking offense to my comments. I always try to make a useful critique.

Gary

sympl_gurl
Junior Member

since 2006-03-31

Posts 13
Texas

15 posted 2006-04-06 10:44 AM

I think we all have felt like that at one time or another. I like the flow.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

16 posted 2006-04-06 12:45 PM

Hi,

The revision is definitely better than the original, but, I, being a free verser, feel a bit like talesien (Gary), in that more feeling should go into the poem.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

17 posted 2006-04-06 11:49 PM

Hi everyone. Sorry I have not replied to your posts before now, but I have been out of town and away from my computer. I just returned home tonight. Thank you all for your helpful ideas and I will work on this poem more to see how I can make it better.

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