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Skil213
New Member

since 2006-01-13

Posts 5

0 posted 2006-01-31 12:48 PM

I posted this in another section but i wanted help or even just tell me if i captured an emotion like i was going for
~thanks
You greet me in the morning
and follow me through my day
you hang over my shoulder
and im sure your here to stay
you have no heart, brain or a pulse
yet with me, it seems you have a mind of your own
in fact sometims I think you are clearly right
and that is the case, your my only friend tonight
although i'd like to say that i havent seen you in awhile
the truth is you hide behind every smile
but this time is different, you brought friends that seem like there here to stay
you dont even introduce them because i already know there names
lonelyness and depression
see even sadness has friends, but not me

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

1 posted 2006-01-31 06:28 PM

there are spelling errors and the wrong uses of your and there..you're( you are) and they're ( they are)

and a few apostrophes left out of the contractions.

it's an interesting write and I can understand the feeling of loneliness...

I am not good at critiquing but I did want to read and respond

M

playing.with.crayons
Member

since 2006-01-02

Posts 362
Neverland

2 posted 2006-02-01 03:43 AM

Skil213:
The ending is good, just have to fix up a few of the spelling errors, eg. "loneliness"
It's an excelllent idea for capturing the idea of loneliness/sadness but thorough editing needs to be done. Also I am not a fan of the phrase "here to stay", where here you write it twice. The rhymes were irregular as well. It's a good idea and with editing it could be very well done. In any case, welcome! and read around. xx

farewell the ash-tray girl

Serendipity_13
New Member

since 2006-02-03

Posts 3

3 posted 2006-02-03 09:21 PM

I really liked where you were going with this. The only adivce that I would give you is maybe just to use less words to give it a more powerful portrayal. Otherwise it was good!

Mike1
New Member

since 2006-04-25

Posts 8

4 posted 2006-05-21 03:07 PM

This poem was probably the best one i've read out of over 100.

Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

5 posted 2006-05-23 02:55 PM

Hi there:

I may not be good at this but I do enjoy it.

So it goes: I like the idea but not the format or the way some of your wrods play togther. Just some sugestions.

Ex:

in the morning you greet me
through my day you follow me
hanging over my shoulder
you are sure to stay
no heart, brain no pulse
it seems you have a mind of your own

I don't want to re-write the whole poem but I hope this may help you.

thanks for sharing
rick

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