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Critical Analysis #2
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longte
Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199
Australia

0 posted 2006-01-13 02:19 AM



To Live With Lies

They lived passions fired
everything she’d sought
…………Until she died

Never merely wife
as she’d been taught
They lived passions fired

Love in their desire
just as we all ought
…….Until she died

To live with lies
trinkets bought
They lived passions fired

Bruises and black eyes
fights were fought
………Until she died

We can’t describe
the damage wrought
They lived passions fired
………..Until she died


Live It

© Copyright 2006 P.Nicholson - All Rights Reserved
MUSEconnieSEconnie
Member
since 2006-02-28
Posts 74
california
1 posted 2006-03-03 05:47 PM


OMG LONGTE>>>>FABULOUS AND SAD.  WELL DONE MY FRIEND!!!

LOVE
CONNIE

I AM BLIND/I POST IN CAPS. FORGIVE IF THEY ARE UNCOMFORTABLE. A VOICE READER HELPS ME READ POSTS.  MY SCR-NAME POSTED WRONG, IT IS MUSEconnieHUES

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
2 posted 2006-03-03 10:46 PM


I'd say you took a bit too much license with the first rhyme: fired / died / wife / desire / lies / eyes / describe. The villanelle is a rigidly structured thing. I really don't think it allows for this kind of diversion. Some of the above really don't even make very good half-rhymes.

Other than that, I think you have the structure right. I suggest that you look up some of the other villanelles posted at PIP. I know there are some in CA as well as in the Poetry Workshop.



longte
Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199
Australia
3 posted 2006-03-04 12:34 PM


Second attempt
Still a huge amount to learn

Structure is interesting in the form called Villanelle

Will be back at some stage to try again
Still trying to get my head around the fact the Form is often more important than the Message
When I can combine both adequately I'll be back
Thanks for the feedback
peter

Live It

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2006-03-04 09:58 AM


Hard to claim that form is more important than message. Anything without worthy content is of little value. There are cases, such as the villanelle, where a specific form is truly required. Even if you do follow that form perfectly, though, such a poem will still garner little interest if it says nothing of value to the reader.

I'm afraid our forum may lead one to that false impression because form is much easier to critique than content, which is more subjective. It can be pretty obvious, for example, when a sonnet does not have 14 lines or its lines are not iambic pentameter or the rhyme scheme is wrong. Similar comments applies to the villanelle or any other "structured" form. There are pretty clear rules that apply to grammar and, to a lesser extent, punctuation. But, content is much more elusive. As in your Faeries, it comes down more to "what appeals to a reader.

I am reluctant to use myself as an example but it is just quicker right now than looking for another although there are too many to count here at PIP and in the literature. Take a look at "The Beach on a Summer's Evening" just brought back up by MsSouthernOrchid. It is a highly structured poem but notice that fact is hardly mentioned in the comments. It is the content that makes it work. It was written as an exercise in the Workshop. The assignment was to copy the structure of Frost's "Passing Through Woods on a Snowy Evening." It does match that form exactly but that fact would do little to interest any reader. Instead, it is the "feel good" impression that it leaves, much like your "Faeries."

Hope this made some sense.

Pete

MsSouthernOrchid
Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192

5 posted 2006-03-04 12:51 PM


I liked it. Although it's a sad subject put to poetry, I think it's well written. I am not a good judge though, as my own attempts at poetry sometimes leaves a bit to be desired. Still,I did want to let you know my thoughts.  
keoni
Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850
Up in the mountains in the NFC
6 posted 2006-03-04 04:38 PM


I enjoyed the poem, even though it's such an awful topic. I do think the rhyme was stretched a bit. I agree with you that the message should be more important than form, but if the message needs to come across just right, maybe this form wasn't the best to choose. Constant adherence to form and structure is not the purpose of this art, any art, but for some styles of poetry, and some poets, there are rules to be followed. Unfortunately
longte
Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199
Australia
7 posted 2006-03-04 07:19 PM


Thanks again

Learning reasonably quickly
Mainly through this site and the comments that are said
So much to learn
So much FUN doing so
Peter

Live It

Artofmark
Junior Member
since 2006-07-12
Posts 41

8 posted 2006-07-13 10:30 PM


kinda sad but well written, take a look at mine and let me know what you think.
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