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Pantoum on waste
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Pantoum on waste |
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longte Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199Australia |
I am pretty new to poetry Just found a couple of styles that seem like fun to try out Feedback would be greatly appreciated Pantoum on Waste Thought this war would end them all Body bags lie quietly bleeding Women’s tears may flood the halls Please stop it now they’re pleading Body bags lie quietly bleeding Death itself here has reign Please stop it now they’re pleading As silently they feel no pain Death itself here has reign Dreams are long forgotten As silently they feel no pain They have reached the bottom Dreams are long forgotten Now funeral dirge is all they hear They have reached the bottom Death has now removed their fear Now funeral dirge is all they hear Once stalwart strong and proud Death has now removed their fear Worms greet them underground Once stalwart strong and proud Desperate tears now flood the hall Worms greet them underground Thought this war would end them all ... .. Live It |
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| © Copyright 2006 P.Nicholson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Pretty well done. This can be a really form to pull off. The secret is in making the repetition as unnoticeable as possible while still maintaining continuity. You have done both here. The only technical point I see is S6L2 in that it does not exactly repeat S1L3. Some would find that unacceptable. Others may claim it is an acceptable deviation. Can't specifically answer that one but I did not find it too distracting. My only other suggestion is to work on meter a little. Strive for more consistency. I feel that helps in something so structured. Nice write. Thanks. Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Anybody up for a pantoum challenge? |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Yep,what is it? |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Sure Do I write a new one or poes one here? Well I should try to write a new one anyway. But I think that I will poest one more here. WHEN EVIL LURKS Senseless , senseless outside myself as sunrise slams again home like visions of loathing and disgust knowing temptation then looking away Look away look away do not gaze Senseless , senseless outside myself dark beneath untold stories of hunger like visions of loathing and disgust not today, not today when dirty is senseless Look away look away do not gaze to cold fears neatly buried dark beneath untold stories of hunger one stained landscape blows bitter winds not today, not today when dirty is senseless beyond lost hopes, beyond those broken roads to cold fears neatly buried as sunrise slams again home one stained landscape blows bitter winds knowing temptation then looking away beyond lost hopes, beyond those broken roads |
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MoonShadow Senior Member
since 2001-08-02
Posts 943Dark side of the Moon. |
Can a Pantoum use prose? My reference source stated that "A traditional Pantoum has a rhyme scheme of abab in each quatrain. Thus the lines rhyme alternately." http://www.baymoon.com/~ariadne/form/pantoum.htm MoonShadow . |
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