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She Never Knew
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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She Never Knew |
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Zmurder New Member
since 2005-12-31
Posts 1 |
Thoughts of love with only remorse to compliment Spending her life wondering where the happiness went Not knowing what she wanted was right before her eyes Someone hiding from her just to give her everything from the seas to the skies A man whos soul left him just to rescue her And after she was rescued his life became a blur The only thing he knew for sure Was that he loved her And as she realized what she had never seen before She began to wonder even more And as her thoughts became so real He realized she was the only thing that he could feel And in this restless world she couldnt seem to find him But he was holding on because the only thing he had was them So in what was so real Why couldnt she feel? |
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| © Copyright 2005 Zmurder - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Welcome to PIP and the CA forum. As for your poem, the idea has potential but it needs a lot of work. I have a couple of suggestions that might help to get you started in the right direction. As is, it is too wordy. Try to trim it quite a bit. Find stronger words to substitute for phrases. Use noun and verbs as much as possible instead of adjectives and adverbs. Your rhyme overpowers the content. Much of it is forced, that is, it is obvious to the reader that you forced it to rhyme rather than let the rhyme fall naturally. I know, that can be a difficult thing but it is critical if you want to write good poetry. Also, rhyming poetry usually works better when combined with meter, even fairly consistent meter. You obviously have none here. It would probably come together better if you dropped the rhyme entirely. Hope this helps. Pete |
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MGROVES
since 2004-02-01
Posts 3802california |
enjoyed reading this. it is so true~ My spirit will rise |
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