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Critical Analysis #2
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Kal525
Junior Member
since 2005-12-20
Posts 26


0 posted 2005-12-29 12:26 PM


http://www.lepoeme.com/content/view/20/52/


Light cast on your face born from the spark of the human race,
Trickled down and spilled onto your golden red gown.  
I watched it find its way down, hit the ground,
And slip into the wind only to be encompassed by your grace,
And once again found.

All night this sight kept repeating,
Each time more revealing,
Slowly stealing my heart,
As I sat there and watched it,
Grieving.  

Wisp after wisp your hair fell around me,
And caressed my heart into jealous envy.  
Your aura now lighting my deep misery,
I stood up to hold you in a feeble attempt to flee.  

The closer I came the more I could see,
My heart had been taken and now stood before me.  
I reached out to grab it and walk on my way,
And with the first step I took,
Night turned into day.  


As an aside, I have noticed that a lot of poems that I read here do not focus on rhyme.  Obviously rhyme is not a necessity when it comes to writing poetry, but I feel that it greatly improves the flow and diction of what I write.  Perhaps this is just a personal preference.  Do you see any disadvantages to rhyming in the way that I do?  If so, would my poetry benefit from something in particular?

© Copyright 2005 Kal525 - All Rights Reserved
Grinch
Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929
Whoville
1 posted 2005-12-31 08:32 PM



There’s nothing wrong with rhyming but if you’re going to do it you need to move away from the expected otherwise the reader guesses where you’re going then they start anticipating the word you’re going to use and then start to notice or imagine the hoops and plot changes you made to get there.

Take this for instance:

The closer I came the more I could see

You need a word that rhymes with see, the obvious one is ‘me’ so now you need to work out a line that ends in ‘me’ AND that fits what you original wanted to say. If ‘My heart had been taken and now stood before me’ was it great! But as a reader I doubt it. I think what you did was write a line that was somewhere near what you wanted that fit roughly the theme of the poem just so you could stick ‘me’ on the end of it.

I’m not saying that’s what you did – it’s just, as a reader, that’s what it looks like, this also highlights another pitfall of rhyming using the obvious – it’s easier to write what fits the rhyme scheme than writing what you wanted to say in the first place. In consequence a writer can easily be moved away from the original theme just to make a word fit.

For instance if I wanted to write about a girl I couldn’t stop thinking about I could easily end up with something completely different following an easy rhyme choice:

Your beauty twists and turns my head

Good start, now I need a rhyme for ‘head’ – got it!

DEAD

Sometimes I wish that I were dead

It fits the rhyme scheme but hang on a minute that isn’t where I wanted to go, I was thinking a meal, a bottle of wine, perhaps marriage and a couple of kids down the line now all of a sudden I’m writing something I never wanted to say.

Get my drift?

playing.with.crayons
Member
since 2006-01-02
Posts 362
Neverland
2 posted 2006-01-02 04:05 AM



I don't think there's a problem with rhyming, however it usually calls for more attention to meter. And when it becomes forced it really takes away the meaning and becomes transparent. The there's that godawful "sorrow, tomorrow".... haha
cheye xxx



gelato
Member
since 2005-10-27
Posts 63
TN,USA
3 posted 2006-01-16 08:17 AM


There is nothing wrong with rhyming, imo.  Perhaps not to be too predictable in the rhymes a slant-rhyme could be used.  However, I never focus on whether the rhymes are good or bad in my own poems, rather I focus on what I want to say in the main part of the poem.

"Relationships are the one tangible connection we have with God" - Purpose Driven Life

elpoeta
Junior Member
since 2006-01-17
Posts 15
Puerto Rico
4 posted 2006-01-18 02:02 PM


Reading this it seems as though you fell in love over a one night stand almost. It took a whole night for her to take your heart, and when you realized it was day, it was too late.  I agree with the earlier comments on ordinary rhymes, but as a person who likes to rhyme I can understand that sometimes it just happens.  You don't really know the next line, only a notion of what it should be, it's the rhyme that helps the idea escape onto the written page.

I liked the poem.

Mike

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