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Critical Analysis #2
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secret lover
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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secret lover |
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skoolyardturtle Member
since 2005-06-28
Posts 96 |
my shadow had never looked so tall before as the street lamp scattered my soul across the sidewalk and stretched to your door left ajar oh so discreetly for me to enter without alarm the low rumble of thunder had startled you from slumber as a cat-like thief had snuck into your soul and pryed your heart from cool fingertips (the night had grown much too cold) what i had turned out to be was for you to decide but i had loved you since the day i heard you pronounce your name the sweet syllables that escaped your lips and struck my ears with lovely white lightning (but the stinging in my ears had never felt so good) your expression was so calming in a day that screamed out late December the people heaving behind their cars stuck in snow draft the wind caressing every strand of your hair as my hands shook with anticipation the footsteps in the snow trailed around my frozen figure as my heart was buried with the spinning tires cars forever stuck in the loneliest winter ever the violet midnight sky had given me some spare time as i stood waiting outside your creeked window my ammunition of pebbles had exhausted and was left with only one option as the thunder rumbled once more your secret lover climbed to your room once again to steal sweet air from your lungs a whisper of his name so calming the recycled air from their lungs exhausted in the lonliest summer night he'll take his leave once again and return when he's run out of options to relive the night of the violet sky and breath your recycled air (but the stinging on my lips had never felt so good) I want life in every word, to the extent that it's absurd.- The Postal Service |
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skoolyardturtle Member
since 2005-06-28
Posts 96 |
this write describe a relationship i had with a girl in high school. I had only snuck into her house about three times, but it took so much out of me just to get the guts to climb a tree onto the roof awning that led to her room. The first time i had done it, she told me how she would have never expected me to do anything close to sneaking in her house, which gave me the idea. But i'm not entirely satisfied with it, which is why i'm encouraging the most brutal (but helpful) criticism you can dish out. Thanks turtle I want life in every word, to the extent that it's absurd.- The Postal Service |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Turtle, you do have some imagery here and it is interesting. I think the girl would be impressed, well, maybe. As written, however, it makes a better love letter than poem. Overall, it is just too prose. To work as a poem, you could probably trim close to half the words used. |
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