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Critical Analysis #2
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Soul Sepulchre
Junior Member
since 2003-10-19
Posts 29
Tennessee, USA

0 posted 2005-11-03 10:11 PM


(( I posted this one in Dark Poetry #4, but it hasn't gotten but one review. I'm hoping someone here will give it more time and an honest opinion. I wrote this one a few months back in August as part of my fiance's birthday gift. ))
A momentous occassion, likened to an Earthly Heaven -
And my body tensed, feeling the numb rush of euphoria settle in my veins;

And there, amongst a shy heart and gleaming, hazel eyes teeming with life,
You shattered the illusion of my self-sufficience, and made your way inside;

Shaken and shocked, with feigned eons of preparation gone, I could merely smile -
Ah, such a mixed blessing - I had lost greatness, but found perfection;

How fond I am of that solitary day, for in its wake I knew true love -
My heart, frigid and blackened by inner decay, warmed and flaunted its new radiance;

With an inner cry of exulation that, to this day reverberates in my soul,
I gave one final breath of life to a haunted past, making room for a hallowed future;

How great a love as this can exist I think I shall never know 'til death,
And until the cool hand of death reaches and beckons, I shall enjoy this new life;

For it is that within the boundaries of this reconstructed existence,
You are there, always, with a kindness and perfection unmatched upon Earth;

Lo, and bittersweet is that perfection, for it drives me with fond memories -
Even to this moment, as I toil, I recall the spring sweet scent of your copper tresses;

I recall the fondness for the soft, pale flesh of your graceful face,
And soft breathed tang of your lips as, in kiss, they convey to my mind a multitude of joys;

I shall forever think upon times when, for reasons of bliss or sorrow, you came -
And slid your form so tender and fragile, with desires I cannot know, into the wamrth of my arms;

And there I would hold you, cradle you, and redeem myself upon the subtle pleasures -
Such a mighty ransom I would give if, for even a moment, I could hold you this instance;

My heart aches but briefly for such things, as I dwell upon many a more moment -
Only to lay them to rest with a sudden recognition that those moments shall return upon the 'morrow;

Ah, if only but one wish be granted, I would ask that you could see my smile,
And know the pure, unbridled, unconditional love and soft surrender I have for you;

So it is that I know, in a moment of wisdom that, surely, I would otherwise not have,
That you shall lodge in the depths of my heart, and I shall forever lodge in your's;

And nothing shall ever seperate us, for surely no such force exists in reality,
And, as my heart did upon that first day that I knew we were to be, it exults at so sweet a notion;

Verily, not even the angels above can know such absolute calm -
Nor shall any other say, "I have that which he has";

Like two oaks whose roots have run amongst one another, and joined in harmony we are,
And we stand firm and unmoveable against time, with so pure a love that nothing may breach it;

So shall we remain, until the sun no longer burns, and time ceases to flow,
And God will grace us and bless us, for He knows what I know - our love is the most pure;

And with a self-assurent acknowledgement of that bond that sets my eyes ablaze with joy, I look up to the sky, and around to the Earth, and into the eye of the universe itself, and proclaim...

..."I would not have it any other way".

Jeremy -
"The spirits of the dead, who stood in life before thee, are again in death around thee". Edgar Allen Poe

© Copyright 2005 Jeremy McDonald - All Rights Reserved
Soul Sepulchre
Junior Member
since 2003-10-19
Posts 29
Tennessee, USA
1 posted 2005-11-06 01:28 AM


Tick-tock, tick-tock...

Time is wasting away. Could someone please leave their critique?

If I had any intention of my poetry being ignored, I'd would have gone to poetry.com, not here.

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
2 posted 2005-11-06 10:31 AM


CA is a give and take environment. We appreciate your posting here but how many times have you offered a critique?


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