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sunsetgun
Junior Member
since 2005-07-17
Posts 21


0 posted 2005-07-17 02:25 PM




The wind destroys the evidence
of every mark that I have left
I have begun to lose the sense
that I actualy did exist
This sand engulfs my every step
what will I had is trapped by it
with every stride I do regret
you never knew how strong I felt   ,

I had hoped to find my fate
out in this uncharted waste,
though i can still see your face
I know your lips I'll never taste
So as I lay down to die
and gaze into the desert sky
I begin to wonder why,
that you could never say goodbye.


The wind picks up a lonely tune
and brings the scent of desert blooms
my final breath is coming soon
my final rest beneath this dune.

© Copyright 2005 sunsetgun - All Rights Reserved
Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
1 posted 2005-07-17 06:54 PM


"I had hoped to find my fate
out in this uncharted waste,
though i can still see your face
I know your lips I'll never taste
So as I lay down to die
and gaze into the desert sky
I begin to wonder why,
that you could never say goodbye"


welcome to Passions! maybe try this?

'I hoped to find my fate
within this uncharted waste'

and

'as I lie down, prepared to die,
I gaze into the desert sky
wondering why
you never could say goodbye'

just a thought

Juju
Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429
In your dreams
2 posted 2005-07-18 12:30 PM


welcome,

I wll come back in a few days to better analyze it, but I am out of time (;

See yeah later

-Juju

Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic

The dictionary never lies.... I am magical (;

sunsetgun
Junior Member
since 2005-07-17
Posts 21

3 posted 2005-07-18 10:30 AM


Thanks for your time!
sunsetgun
Junior Member
since 2005-07-17
Posts 21

4 posted 2005-07-18 10:35 AM


"welcome to Passions! maybe try this?

'I hoped to find my fate
within this uncharted waste'

and

'as I lie down, prepared to die,
I gaze into the desert sky
wondering why
you never could say goodbye'

just a thought"

hey, thanks for the advice ,I found those areas in particular to be clunky. well back to the old writing board

Juju
Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429
In your dreams
5 posted 2005-07-18 11:13 PM


  I like this one alot.  The biggest trick to writting good poems is take atvantage of themes and make sure yopur poem has good flow.  You set the mood in the begiining of the poem, which I like alot. Be careful though not to state words so the reader can inticapate them and when you repeat words it should be more then three times.  I like this poem alot.  I've known the feeling

-Juju

Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic

The dictionary never lies.... I am magical (;

sunsetgun
Junior Member
since 2005-07-17
Posts 21

6 posted 2005-07-19 10:32 AM


thanks for your help ,I'm terribly new at this poetry stuff so I'm not sure what all the rules are yet..more research is required.
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
7 posted 2005-07-19 12:37 PM


I'm a little late but welcome to the forum anyway. Since you posted in Critical Analysis (CA) I guess you want our impressions. You said above that you are new to poetry. In that case, I would have to say this is a pretty good start. I found it interesting enough to read more than once and that is a good thing.

Now, since this is CA, I did find some faults. Keep in mind though that this is all just one uneducated opinion.

It looks like you were trying to write iambic tetrameter and you have been fairly successful. If you intended to write non-metric then just ignore this. If you are new and don't recognize the "big words" above, tetrameter means four feet per line and iambic means each foot consists of an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed one.

In the first stanza, L4 misses the mark completely. Actually is just not a word that can easily be put into an iambic line and the first unstressed syllable is missing. I don't think the line can be salvaged without rewriting it completely. Then, L3 is acceptable although on first reading, it can throw the reader. I don't suggest changing it though. I just point this out to distinguish it from the rest of the lines which read and flow perfectly.

The second stanza is more problematic. L1 is missing its first unstressed syllable. That is an acceptable variation, if there is a valid reason for it and it is not overdone. The common acceptable reason is to emphasize the line. That probably applies here. L2 and L3 are completely off meter. Uncharted destroys L2 and there is a missing unstressed syllable between still and see in L3. Possible fixes might be,
   out in this God forsaken waste
   though I can still admire your face
I don't suggest that wording but just present an example of correct meter.

Some will object to the inversion in S2, L4. It might read better as,
   your lips, I know I'll never taste
Yes, this is still inverted but may be a little less noticeable. L5 is again missing an unstressed syllable between lay and down. I'll leave you to devise substitute wording there. In L7, you have again omitted the first unstressed syllable. I don't think it is justified here. Finally, that seems at least awkward grammatically although the syllable is necessary. I think a rewording of the line would help.

S3 is right on meter. I think I would change blooms to bloom to better fit the rhyme. That, of course, is not a perfect rhyme. It is called a slant rhyme or near rhyme. Considering the rest of the poem having no specific rhyme scheme, it is perfectly acceptable.

Ok, that's all for today.

Pete

sunsetgun
Junior Member
since 2005-07-17
Posts 21

8 posted 2005-07-19 01:06 PM


Line four in the first Stanza has been problematic fom the get go ,but I wrangled with it for a while and couldn't seem to fix it to my satisfaction ..
as for the stressed or unstressed syllables I'm goin to need to do some homework on that.
I really appreciate your criticism and will attempt to apply it and hopefully improve

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