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Critical Analysis #2
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Italy Angel
Member
since 2003-09-01
Posts 65
Northern Ca

0 posted 2005-04-18 12:44 PM




Some women master mirrors
in gas stations and motel rooms,
painting smiles to charm the night.
They learn to get by
when july deepens on fastbreath
or uncertain hands.

They count tips in denny's,
lying themselves into poetry,
blending into the pavement
of pigeon drop gray---
elegy clinging to pores
like perspiration.

The ash-tray girls, their bodies:
tree stumps in mud, fashioned
in the light of sour milk
and insult.

They buy french sleepers to weep in,
whisper abandonment, carry
love, light like a wafer
on the tongue.

They pick up pennies, study them
for signs of age, see months
become smoke in still rooms along
the back streets of Eden.

Ladies, hardened to glass,
they lose children in supermarkets,
sink into the cold
as minutes become urgent
and everything is counted,
like meter money,
like days that pass.




© Copyright 2005 Cherilyn Ferroggiaro - All Rights Reserved
netsky
Member
since 2005-03-29
Posts 148
Miami
1 posted 2005-04-18 03:22 PM


an early reply:  this is a splendid poem of depth and insight.   deliciously sad.  by poems such as this I learn.  

beautiful.  I'll revisit this poem often.

no critcism, but acknowlegment of you grace.

Italy Angel
Member
since 2003-09-01
Posts 65
Northern Ca
2 posted 2005-04-19 07:54 PM


Grazie! I appreciate it.
Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
3 posted 2005-04-19 10:57 PM


I cannot critique well, but I can say that there is much depth in this, and it amazed me.
Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
4 posted 2005-07-09 09:18 PM


I know this is the critque forum, however at the moment all I would like to say is:

this is good
really good.

thanks for sharing it.

J

There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar.
byron

Juju
Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429
In your dreams
5 posted 2005-07-09 10:28 PM


Wow,  that is one of the best poems I have read. I love the voice in the poem.  I love your pausing and flow.  Wow.  That really shocked me. It was cohesive and elegant.  I lved it this one is a keeper.


-Juju

Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic

The dictionary never lies.... I am magical (;

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
6 posted 2005-07-10 09:08 AM


The only thing
I can critique
about this writing,
is myself,
for not seeing it
when it was first posted.

An excellent example
of thought, imagery,
and brevity.

Huan Yi
Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688
Waukegan
7 posted 2005-08-29 02:00 PM



I think this would be much better if “we”
were everywhere instead of “they”, ( the latter  to me
having a certain pompous distance to it)

Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
8 posted 2005-08-29 10:49 PM


I loved reading this out loud, and again not a critque person but I did send it to someone who sure is, and perhaps he will give you the critique you are looking for.

I especially loved this, and the way that you make the reader stop and take notice .

They learn to get bywhen july deepens on fastbreath or uncertain hands.

Off I go to read more of your very enjoyable poetry.  I too loved the depth to this and the honesty of subject.

cynicsRus
Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!
9 posted 2005-09-23 12:05 PM


Italy Angel,
I take it, you posted your piece here, for honest, if not harsh critique, as opposed to the patronizing comments in many "non-critique forums?"
Sorry to disappoint you. I found this an extremely captivating read.  It's clear, you could teach me a few things about writing.
Thank you for posting.

Sid

If you must carp: Carpe diem!
ICSoria

My poetry forum.

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

10 posted 2005-09-24 12:15 PM


A deliciously captivating read! You are a poet who keenly expresses the manner of imagery in poetry. I'll look forward to more of this!

warmhrt

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

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