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fait je bois

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b.costen
Member
since 11-02-2003
Posts 107
ontario, CAN


0 posted 03-29-2005 09:24 PM       View Profile for b.costen   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for b.costen

all is here.
the leaves are on their trees
and the grass in its place

the girls are walking to their class
with lungs; cancer free
i sit and watch them go
and they go timelessly

all is here
i must admit that all is here
i have only to reach out and bring with me
those i desire near
© Copyright 2005 ben costen - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


1 posted 03-30-2005 12:15 AM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Interesting read except for the line,
   "with lungs; cancer free"
that just doesn't seem to fit. In fact, I found it jarring. Why use punctuation in that one place anyway?
netsky
Member
since 03-29-2005
Posts 141
Miami


2 posted 03-30-2005 02:24 AM       View Profile for netsky   Email netsky   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for netsky

well, you do like idiosyncra;cy (grin)

the girls are walking to their class
with lungs; cancer free

=== I do understand why you formed it just this way===

not many others are likely to see the logic, however.  you're kinda obtuse.  So am I.  So i get it:

Girls are walking to class with lungs

(uh, i guess so!)

;

cancer free

(the girls are so young that they have not yet picked up any life cancers like... experience with 'carcinogenic' men, who ruin pure women by mistreatment.  this is -one- possible assumption)

so you do write in fresh kinds of metaphor and abstractions.  I like.  So you have one new acquaintance who gets some of what you're doing.

And if I'm really -misinterpreting- all this, then tell me so. If my guesses are waaaay off base.. then you may know that your poetry above is just too surreal to convey the message.

but i think that i understand well enough.

thanks
r
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


3 posted 04-02-2005 12:02 AM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Well Ben, you need to let Reid know if he interpreted right. Even if right, I still don't like the line but that is, of course, only my opinion It's just a rather ugly line in an otherwise rather pleasant poem.
netsky
Member
since 03-29-2005
Posts 141
Miami


4 posted 04-02-2005 01:41 AM       View Profile for netsky   Email netsky   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for netsky

the fun in making bold statements (as I do) that I 'got it' is that:

-I probably did NOT (heh heh)

-and so, the ball is tossed back to the poet who must need now to  disabuse me of my error in parsing his  abstractions.. and this is a bit ticklish, yes?   Well, he makes me work to "get" the message and  justify his -unatractive, jarring cancer line-... so.. call it commentator prick-back.. in a sense.  

Yeah!  I get the poem completely!  (probably not) and so, b. needs to say who understood the poem better: himself, or this schlump-me at bat now.  

grins and smiles to all,
reid in smallcase.
netsky
Member
since 03-29-2005
Posts 141
Miami


5 posted 04-06-2005 01:37 AM       View Profile for netsky   Email netsky   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for netsky

because ben mentions this poem in another thread.. and I do want to learn more for sure of what I take from the poem is close to what he wishes to convey:



all is here
i must admit that all is here
i have only to reach out and bring with me
those i desire near





  

at 22 these girls are your age, too, and are just waiting to be plucked.  
You take your time.  
It doesn't require much to harvest a girl.  
Which one?  To what end?  

And this seeming reticence on your part implies to me your desire to -do no harm-

Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 05-18-2001
Posts 29020
Gaia


6 posted 04-06-2005 11:17 PM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun

all is here

leaves on trees
grass in its place

the girls are walking to their class
with lungs; cancer free
i sit and watch them go
timelessly

all is here
i must admit
all is here
i have only to reach out,
bring with me
those i desire
near
b.costen
Member
since 11-02-2003
Posts 107
ontario, CAN


7 posted 08-03-2013 01:07 AM       View Profile for b.costen   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for b.costen

thanks midnight sun. that is most definitely a more beautiful version.
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