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Critical Analysis #2
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Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member
since 2002-05-22
Posts 1667
New York

0 posted 2004-10-06 07:00 PM



I'd really appreciate feedback on this, this time. I waited for over 2 months for feedback on this earlier, lets try again... I don't think it is awful writing and if it is, tell me. Don''t let me wonder.

She stood there staring unwelcome in a room full of shattered glass. A mirror hung askew, as if the earth had just rumbled through town. Roses, red roses in a crystal vase sit undisturbed in a path of disaster.

Without hesitation tears formed at the corners of her eyes, stopping to peer over the brim to peek at the rollercoaster they were about to embark on. An emotional ride they took down the hills of her cheeks, and the moguls of her lips. Falling six feet to the glass laden floor.

There they rested forevermore. On the glass that revealed a troubled mistake. Her skin crawling, as shivers of fear run down her spine. She breathes in shallow breaths of subdued reality.

Tolerable, but not something she wants to do. Her eyes look downward following the sinking feeling in her heart. Failure, the brain, defeated again by a brainwashed heart. Synthetic love cultivated by evil.

A shadow lunges across the room. Cast from the evil that stands there. Six feet two inches in the doorway. Her heart skips a beat, and her mind swells with thoughts of fear and torment. She closes her eyes. Waiting.

Time passes. First seconds, then minutes. Tension rises. She steps back, slips on a pile of glass. Falling to the floor she grabs at anything she can reach. Light fills the room. Evil turns his back and leaves as the crystal vase falls to the floor, shattering upon the already broken glass.

All reality is gone. She stands alone, free from all evil. Her heart empty but whole. On a solid foundation she begins picking up the pieces.

Feel free to look in Spiritual, Critical and Prose for writing by me!

God Bless,
Kellie

© Copyright 2004 Kellie M. Cantrell - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2004-10-07 01:28 PM


Can't say that I know much about writing short stories so I'm not any authority. With that said, I do think this is a little wordy and the broken glass theme seems overdone.

I wonder if you might get more useful comments in the prose forum. Readers there should be more tuned to this genre.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

Kellie_Cantrell
Senior Member
since 2002-05-22
Posts 1667
New York
2 posted 2004-10-07 04:02 PM


I did, in august, I never got any replies!
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
3 posted 2004-10-07 06:59 PM


I guess Prose moves even slower than CA
Maybe someone with some knowledge will come along to help out.

Larry C
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286
United States
4 posted 2004-10-07 09:53 PM


Kellie,
I read this in Prose too. I can't relate to this write or the broken glass. So I'm afraid I cannot give you an objective opinion. Sorry...

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
5 posted 2004-10-18 11:41 AM


I remember reading this, Kellie.  It seems very disjointed - nothing pulls one paragraph along with, or into, another.  So if you were going for shattered, disjointed thoughts, you succeeded.

What ARE you trying to tell us here?  

Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley
6 posted 2004-10-18 05:32 PM


I read it in prose but I'm sorry I didn't have the time to critique it. I'll have a better computer connection in a couple of weeks and if you still want one, I'll do an in depth review.
hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
7 posted 2004-10-19 01:23 PM


Well, for starters:

"She stood there staring unwelcome in a room full of shattered glass. A mirror hung askew, as if the earth had just rumbled through town. Roses, red roses in a crystal vase sit undisturbed in a path of disaster."

You should pick one tense and stick with it. Is this happenning now, or did it already happen and you're relating it after the fact?

Also... I see where you're going with the first line, trying to use it as a hook... but I'd like some meat too... has she just walked into the room? How did she get there? Why is she there? What exactly is she staring at- the mysterious and undefined personification of evil, or the red roses?

Then she cries. Why? Because the flowers survived such tragedy? Because of the disaster surrounding the flowers? What happenned?

You end with her picking up the pieces, but it doesn't really do much for me as a reader when I don't understand what pieces she's picking up, what was broken, why, who, what, when and where, not to mention how... ?

It seems like you either have an actual plot in mind that you didn't transfer to paper, or meant this to be vague. If the former, please let us in on the secret. If the latter, you need something more to make it work.

Hope I've helped.

Always Lisa
Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133

8 posted 2004-10-19 07:03 PM


As short stories go, this seems like you picked up where something left off. I feel as if I have fragments of the center of a story with nothing much to support it. Too much abstract, overkill. You're trying too hard to be arts (ie) and there's too much poetic filler.

I think that as your story went on, it started to improve like the dusting of cobwebs. Things became more crisp and clear.

This may sound odd but try to put yourself here... Sometimes a simple black dress with a small brooch to dress it up can be the prettiest at the ball. Too much flash can be an eye sore. Dress down a little and see what happens. I want to see that evil for what he really was behind all that flash you put him in.

Regards,
Always Lisa

[This message has been edited by Always Lisa (10-20-2004 09:25 AM).]

~DreamChild~
Senior Member
since 2001-04-23
Posts 544
in your dreams
9 posted 2004-12-09 01:48 PM


good story, well written. very descriptive. a worthy read. try replacing the multiple references to glass with some other descriptive analogy, for even more depth, and eliminate seeming repetition.


jwesley
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563
Spring, Texas
10 posted 2004-12-19 10:51 PM


Actually I guess this would really be a short, short story, which means you have to complete it in a very short time, yet have the reader understand everything that's happening. The reader doesn't really need to know what brought them to this point, because this is just a small slice of time, but he does have to fully understand what this slice of time is telling him.

Revising and rewriting can do that, my friend.

A short, short story is kind of like writing a good paragraph. Your opening sentence has to set the tone of the paragraph, and the other sentences in the paragrah have to compliment the opening one, smoothly and understandably. They all need to "flow" one to the other...they cannot be disjointed.

Remember, you have to write so your reader, who knows nothing of what's going on in your head, or what vision you're seeing, can see a coherent picture . . . or the writing fails.

You may understand what you're writing, but you have to write it as if you're telling a blind man how to recognize the color blue.

A rewrite is in order, not just a revision.

jwesley

merlynh
Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411
deer park, wa
11 posted 2004-12-23 03:24 AM


I thought I had time for quick a rewrite, but alas it took me two, to try and show you what you may be trying to do. You'll have to excuse my creative thinking. It's hard to pass up someone who has such promise as a writer.

Though I don't know if the staff here will approve. I should reminded them that the word contructive means serving to improve or advance; helpful.

As he came closer, she tried to grasp reality staring in an unwelcome room full of shattered glass.  The refection of what life had been, a mirror hung askew as if the earth had just rumbled through town. Those roses, red roses in a crystal vast sat undisturbed in the path of disaster--her hopes, dreams she inspired to have in life. Without hesitation tears formed in at the corner of her eyes realizing she was in love, stopping to peer over the brim to peek at the roller coaster they were about to embark on. Her tears become the emotional ride down the hills of her cheeks, and the moguls of her lips.  To meet her feelings which would rest forevermore on the glass that revealed troubled mistakes from the past. Her skin crawled as shivers of fear ran down her spine. She breathed in shallow breaths of subdued reality.  Yes tolerable, but not something she wanted.  Her eyes looked downward following the sinking feeling in her heart. Failure defeated again by a brain washed heart. Synthetic love cultivated by evil.  As he came closer like a shadow that lunges across the room cast from the evil six feet two inches from her doorway. Her heart skipped a beat as her mind swelled with thoughts of fear and torment as she closed her eyes waiting for his kiss. Time passes. First seconds, then minutes. Tension rose. She stepped back, slipping on a pile of glass. Falling to the floor she grabs at anything she can reach. Light fills the room. Evil turns as he leaves as the crystal vase falls to the floor, shattering upon the already broken glass. All reality is gone. She stands alone, free from all evil. Her heart empty but whole on a solid foundation she begins picking up the pieces.

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
12 posted 2004-12-23 09:27 AM


Start with the picking up, don't end with it.
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